How My Kids Make Me Whole And Then Some

The last several years have been some of the most enlightening years of my life.  When I finally learned to take off the mask, I learned a lot about myself.  I learned what makes me complete, what makes me whole.

I’ve learned that I have to be myself no matter the consequences. I have learned to speak up when I see issues that affect me.  I have learned that I must have faith in the plan God has for me.  I have learned to embrace the gifts God has given me.

Even though I struggled with Gender Dysphoria for nearly my entire life, in 1994 I got married - as a man.   Two absolutely wonderful kids were the product from that sometimes extremely dysfunctional marriage.  Though I want to regret that decision to marry all those years ago, I can’t.  The caveat is that if I regret that decision, then I regret those kids.  And that is something I could never do.  I could never regret those wonderful, goofy kids.

Those kids are gifts, gifts that God has given me to get through this world.  They are my strength, they are my breath, and quite simply they are my life.

My soul smiles when I hear my daughter singing along to the Sunday morning worship songs next to me in the pew.

. . . or watching my son fall asleep beside me while watching a movie.

. . . or seeing my kids recoil at my wacky, off beat sense of humor.

. . . or holding my daughters hand as we walk in the forest preserve.

. . . or seeing their eyes and the wonder in them when we see a turkey vulture take flight just thirty feet in front of us.

. . .or just knowing they are sound asleep in the next room.

This last summer I finally realized or woke up to how much having my kids near me actually affects me.  During the weeks they stayed with me, I slept so much better.  I had less pain from the Fibromyalgia.  The fatigue was diminished.  Simply put, I smiled more.

When my kids are with me, I stop just simply existing.  I start living and experiencing life.

In the years leading up to the separation, I was distant, angry, depressed and disconnected from their lives.  There is nothing I can do to make up for all that time that we lost together.

But what I can do is treasure this time, the time I have with them now.

Now that I only see them every other weekend, the quantity of time is limited.  But the few hours I see them now is a million times better than the years I was with them leading up to the transition. I will challenge anyone that says that my time with them now is anything but the best quality time a parent can ever spend with their kids.

These two kids have taught me so much.  Since the transition, I have learned that my faith in God sustains me, but those kids he gave me – they make me whole.

 

If you would like to follow me, you can find me on Facebook at Trans Girl at the Cross and at Twitter @Megganrenee

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Filed under: Parenting, Transition

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    Meggan Sommerville

    Meggan Sommerville is a Christian transgender woman with a heart for educating others about the transgender community and her faith in her Savior, Jesus Christ. Her career life has taken her on a variety of adventures, from being a veterinary technician in the Western burbs of Chicago to being an EMT/Paramedic, EMS instructor, and a paid on call firefighter for Bolingbrook , Illinois. Since 1998, she has been the frame shop manager for a national craft retailer. You can contact Meggan via email at Transgirlatcross@aol.com or find her on Facebook at Trans Girl at the Cross

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