Divorce! Right now this is the ugliest word in the English language to me. Every couple that goes through divorce has their own issues and obstacles to over come. The problems seem to intensify when children are involved. But to add another layer to the already complicate life event, try being transgender.
The issues that comes with divorce can be the most painful emotions that one person can ever go through and even more intensified when you are handling your case Pro Se.
Out of respect for my soon to be ex, I will not go into the personal details of what we as a family are now struggling with. But I will tell you that I am jealous of those couples that have found a way to stay together even after one of them transitioned. To see those couples working together to raise their family is something I marvel at.
A very good friend of mine told me that during and even after her divorce, she was a “hot mess”. The time seemed to blur and reality sometimes seemed to have taken a vacation.
I found myself in the same boat Friday night. Depressed and struggling to find peace in the war of emotions my mind seemed to be in. I knew when I made the life altering decision to transition that my kids would struggle. I have done every thing I know to ease them through this over the past three years. They know that I love them and as a parent I try to talk to them and hug them and cry with them and laugh with them whenever I can.
This last year has brought me through some difficult medical problems. Hypothyroidism and Fibromyalgia don’t hold a candle to what I am going through now. Through all of the doctor’s visits, the tests, trip to the E.R., getting use to the new medications, I can truly say that God gave me a peace that I have never known. I knew deep with in my being that God was carrying me and giving me strength, some days quite literally just to walk.
With the divorce, I now face new struggles. Not only do I have to overcome the whirlwind of emotions, but I struggle to find peace. I struggle to feel God working in this area of my life. I struggle to hear his voice.
My faith is not shaken, but the stillness of the air has me lost. For so long I have felt God in every step from my transition to the recent medical problems. I know he is near and I do call out to him, but I have yet to sense the calming reassurance that all will be well.
It’s not as though I have not seen God at all. He has given me a small, but extremely supportive group of people that have been there for me in the most difficult of times. Divorce is hell, no matter how strong you think you are, you will always need a shoulder to cry on, arms to give you a hug, a voice of reassurance and sometimes a safe place to lay your head.
I have learned that fact all too well, and nearly everyone that has transitioned, been divorced, adopted a child, lost a family member or any other stressful life change I have ever talked to knows that fact too.
Those kind of people are not just friends. They are not just good friends or even best friends. They are a true gift from God himself.
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James1:17