I’m a huge Disney fan. Their musical scores from over the years have always had a huge place in my heart and on my mp3 player.
But on 19th of June, 1998, Disney released a movie with a musical score that truly hit home for me. The words from the song Reflection from the movie Mulan spoke to me AND about me more than any other song ever has.
“Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me. Every day it's as if I play a part. Now I see if I wear a mask I can fool the world but I cannot fool my heart.”
Those words described me to a “T’. Living life hidden from the world, never letting it see who I was.
I often asked, “When my reflection would show who I am inside?”
When would I be loved for who I am?
Would I have to pretend to be someone else for all time?
In the last few years, as I have gone through the process of transitioning, there have been several occasions that have become milestones as I live a life authentic.
In my past life, as a person putting on that mask of a guy, any time the couples my ex and I hung with would get together, the men and women would often separate nearly instantly. The women would gather in the kitchen talking about the kids, schools, new recipes, yes it sound so cliché but it really happened. The guys on the other hand would find themselves in the living room, usually glued to a Bears’ game on TV. or outside looking at one of our cars. I wasn’t a mom so I never quite felt accepted into the group of women and I always felt lost in with the guys and everything they were talking about.
So, after I transitioned, when it came to sitting down with a few women over tea and being accepted as one of them, my mind no longer wander to how I didn’t fit in and was finally able to be myself. We discussed our lives and our families over orange tea, rose jelly and homemade bread on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.
After living for years fearing if I would be accepted as a woman, this last weekend was the whipped cream on top of the sundae so far in my life. Being invited to a ‘ladies only’ party was a true compliment to me of how other ladies in my group of friends see me. Now I really can’t go into too much detail about the party, I would be breaking the lady’s code, but at this no men allowed and children are banned by law party, you could buy all sorts of things to make life in the bedroom much more, oh let’s say – interesting
To feel so at home and comfortable in a group of women at a gathering such as this, is one of those times in my life that cemented the fact I made the right choice to transition. I’m no longer just playing a part, trying to fool the world, or trying to hide my heart. No longer a secret me that I’m forced to hide.
One of my fellow bloggers, Shari Schmidt, asked, “Did you ever get to a point in the process where you thought, "Um this might be a mistake" and realize it's too late to go back?
My answer to her question is NO!
The mask is gone and my reflection finally shows who I really am inside.