Memorial Day: Barbeques, Beer, and Bathing Suits

My first tan lines (of the farmer variety) would indicate that Old Man Winter *might* have finally packed his bags and left town. Memorial Day is creeping up and most of us consider this the *unofficial* start of summer. BBQ's and Summer Shandy for EVERYONE!

This is wonderful news, right? WRONG.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? Swimsuit season.

^ maybe if I was blessed with stems like hers, I wouldn't be so depressed.

Unfortunately for me, and the patrons of the local public pool, I was graced with some pasty-short-hamhocks. These bad boys haven't seen the light of day in years. In fact-I believe I might have been the muse for the "1995 American fantasy drama film" Powder minus that whole "supreme intellect" part. Potato/potahto.

I digress.

I would go out on a limb here and say that *most* women loathe bathing suit shopping. Even ladies with good figures can find fault in their physique. It's just what we do. I'm not going to go into the whole "love yourself and your body" discussion because if you are anything like me you will proudly raise your fist in solidarity and then catch a glimpse of your ass in a Target dressing room mirror and unravel all my hard work.

Let's get to the point. Bathing suits SUCK. It's hard to find the right fit when there are so few options.

1. You think a one-piece might be the safer route after spewing forth life from your loins. Except for the fact that I have a strong desire to tuck my stomach in, which is hard to accomplish in a one-piece.

2. You might contemplate one with a skirt to divert from the dreaded bikini shave. Retired-figure-skater-chic, as I like to call it.

3. Attempting the shorts and a tank look is a risky maneuver. We can't rile up the lifeguards thinking your fully clothed ass is in the water to save a life, now can we?

4. A bikini. Cue laughter and tears...mostly tears.

What is a girl to do?

My level of ingenuity has reached a whole new level with my Swim Parka (patent pending).  I haven't exactly ironed out the kinks yet but I already have a waiting list of ladies ready to frolic about the beaches without a care in the world of what is jiggling or what may or may not have fallen out.

^ Your Milkshake will bring all the boys to the yard or they will be like "yo, dude why is she covered from the chin to the ankles?" Either way, heads will turn.

Yes my friends, like a hickie from Kenickie (not pictured) I only care enough to send my very best.

All in favor? Say "aye"

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