The decision to start a family is, hands down, the most your life will ever change. I know you think you’ve already survived some major changes in your life but parenting will rock your world more than you can even imagine.
Before kids, you were only responsible for yourself. Then one day you have these little people that depend on us to keep them clean, feed them, clothe them, nurture them, teach them, and somehow make sure they end up decent human beings? It’s a very large responsibility. One that I often wish was reserved for only those who could remove their head from their ass, long enough to be successful at it.
I have yet to hear anyone refer to parenthood as a “cake walk”. Regardless of how challenging it can be, I have also never heard anyone say that it’s not worth it.
There is a short list of people I have actually appreciated advice from. I prefer to hear it from those that keep it real. The people that aren’t afraid to tell you what will really happen when the flood gates open and you find yourself holding this tiny miracle, wondering what the hell you are supposed to do now.
Nothing about the real story would have scared me away from wanting to become a mother, so I wonder why only a handful of people will tell you the things that you might actually benefit from? If they won't, then I will (I don't refer to myself as a truth spewer for nothing).
-It’s really adorable if you think you will be able to cocoa butter your stomach into one of those perfect little bellies. You know the one that looks all cute in a bikini at the pool. False, all the cocoa butter in the world won't keep your tummy from resembling Freddy Kueger’s face. Believe me.
-When people ask you “Do you watch the Walking Dead?” your first thought might be "is that a chapter in What to Expect: The First Year?"
-The amount of time you spend in yoga pants is proportionate to the amount of time it will take to actually button normal jeans again. Wearing legitimate pants (you remember the kind with a button and a zipper?) will be the best motivation to drop that baby weight. Nothing will encourage you to get back in shape faster than tucking your stomach into your mom jeans, trust me.
-It will be physically impossible to carry on a phone conversation without hitting the mute button, at least 5-7 times, to make threats to your little screaming banshees in the background.
- No one will listen to a word you say the first time, perhaps not even the 564,885th time. Just keep trying.
-There is a good chance your husband won't be the only one staring at your boobs when you are getting changed.
-The “I’ll just pump so my husband can get up and help with feedings” is faulty logic. By the time your kid is screaming his/her head off, you change them, make a bottle, feed them, burp them, swaddle them and lay them back to sleep. You will spend the next 40 minutes pumping your boobs, labeling/storing the milk, rinsing out the pump parts, and by the time your head hits the pillow there will be 20 minutes to spare until the cycle repeats. The real advice would be, to have your husband wake up and just latch the kid onto you, while you remain peacefully dreaming of Justin Timberlake.
- Speaking of boobs and breastfeeding: If anyone told you breastfeeding would be easy they lied straight to your face. I just hope they told you it was worth it.
-“Sleep when the baby sleeps” is great advice, if those dip shits want to come and take care of everything else you will have to accomplish in a day.
-You will never pee/shower/shit/shave/think/eat/sleep/read/write/blink/breathe/walk/talk/laugh/cry/ or anything else.....alone, ever again. Should any of the above actually occur, you will be too freaked out to even enjoy it.
-Hours of your life will be spent begging and pleading for your child to sleep. One night they will… and then you will wake up 900 times, in a full on panic, wondering what the fuck is wrong with them.
-All those uncomfortable moments of pregnancy when you: can’t breathe/tie your shoes/sleep without waking 647 times to pee/have an aching tail bone/burp up stomach acid/take two bites of food and you are insanely stuffed because your stomach is now where your neck is/want to punch your husband because he can sleep and you can’t/leak pee (or is that amniotic fluid?)/have a bajillion doctor appointments/get kicked in the ribs and bladder, etc. You would never believe me when I say this.....but you will miss it someday.
-Just when you are at your breaking point your kids will redeem themselves by loving you in a way you’ve never been loved before. As cliche as it sounds: when your screaming baby stops long enough to smile at you, it has the same effect as that memory eraser from Men In Black. It’s like somehow they know they are only a car ride away from the Safe Haven, then the switch flips, and you are left wondering how you created such a perfect little creature (until they start screaming again).
-You will want to go back in time and drop kick yourself in the teeth for all the times you were self conscious about your body. Once you have a baby, no matter how much you weigh, things will never be the same.
Are you scared yet? Don't be. This dose of reality pales in comparison to all the beauty that comes along with becoming a Mother. I could never do justice to those moments with my words, it's best I don't even try. Absolutely nothing about your life will ever be the same and everything will be worth it (I promise).
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I hope you will keep on reading because the other writers at ChicagoNow have more wisdom to bestow upon you, click below for more advice to new moms!
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