A Mom with Free Time: Fantasy vs. Reality

I have a napping child and a husband that took the other two with him to work!!!!! WHY AM I YELLING?!??!! I'm yelling because that means I'm flying SOLO (kind of) there is still a child in my presence but it's a sleeping child and we all know that's the best kind of child! The better question is: Why WOULDN'T I be yelling?

Question #2: Why am I blogging about having a moment to myself?

Answer: Hold on to your seat birth control aficionados, I'm getting there.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: My goal is to spew forth truth about life after kids. With the intent to scare teens, forewarn people looking to start a family, and commiserate with my fellow veteran mamas. I'm here to spell out the difference between fantasy and reality.

Here are the things I would LIKE to be doing with my free time.

1. In my bed fully invested in some Bravo shows on my DVR. Or perhaps that train-wreck show about Tori and Dean. What can I say? I like to feel better about myself via clusterfuck reality shows. Judge me or join me, the choice is yours.

2. Watching a full day's worth of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon OR Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen. Much like my love for frozen M&Ms, consider me addicted.

3. Digging out my "pedicure pants" and getting my toes done. What are "pedicure pants" you ask? Well, they are pants that I can actually lift up over my cankles/calves. I only have one pair of pants that are able to be raised to knee height, so they are hard to keep tabs on. It's not like I would prance around town in my blue sweats, I HAVE SOME DIGNITY.


Secret to keeping your marriage spicy: DONT WEAR THESE..EVER.

4. Sitting in a hammock I don't even have a hammock reading something fabulous. I will never tell what I would be reading but it falls somewhere along the spectrum from People Magazine to Moby Dick. Note: it's probably not Moby Dick or anything of the sort. Shocked, I'm sure. 

5. Listening to the JT Pandora station and coloring. Yes, in an actual coloring book....with my own set of crayons that haven't been destroyed at the hands of toddlers. I LOVE TO COLOR! Contrary to anything you might have heard from my husband, I'm actually easy to please.

Unfortunately for me the reality of this unexpected solitude is FAR different than my desires. What I will really be doing with this time goes a little something like this.

1. This. Writing a blog about all the shit I should be doing to stall from actually having to do anything. I'm the ultimate procrastinator and I'll take you down with me. I'm good like that.

2. Laundry. Washing/drying/folding/hanging/making origami out of teeny kids' underwear. Seriously though, how do you even fold those properly? Newsflash: I don't, but you know my ass isn't over here matching socks.

3. Payroll/entering supply invoices/updating check register/payroll/filing.

4. Paying bills. I can't decide which is more painful #3 or #4 but I *think* #4 is because I only like to spend money if the return on my investment is something other than a pediatrician visit or a mortgage.

5. Running. I signed up for this 5k which is coming up faster than my kids when they hear me open a package of fruit snacks. I'm just over here working to cross the finish line....upright. I envy those of you that run for fun. I'm MONTHS into this gig and I would still rather slide down an un-sanded wooden pole in my birthday suit, than run. If we're being honest.

I just heard the dryer stop so my work here is done.

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