Every time I hear “Never Grow Up” by Taylor Swift, I sit and sob (click the link, I dare you). This song makes me want to snuggle my babies and cry into their hair for days on end, not that they would sit still that long.
Of course I want to freeze time while these little tikes still think I’m cool. I don’t embarrass them when I crank the tunes and we sing in the car. They don’t want to crawl out of their skin when I kiss them goodbye at school.
But I’m not stupid and I know my days are numbered. They are going to want nothing to do with me in the blink of an eye. I actually get a pit in my stomach when I think about it.
Rolling their eyes when I make them say they love me. Not wanting to be seen with me. The day they just want to be with their friends and not us? My heart can’t take the thought.
I am hopeful I can resolve this little issue of them growing up, by doing away with bedtime stories and just reading them this list.
I promise it’s in your best interest (and mine) to just stay little.
- You have a chef, a cleaning lady, a chauffer, and a stylist. Basically you are a teeny tiny member of the Kardashian family.
- You have never had a hangover.
- When you screw up the words to a song everyone thinks its “adorable”. When I screw up the words to a song, people just think I’m drunk.
- You get to take naps. It’s not a punishment, it’s a gift.
- You don’t have to do your hair and make-up, ever. Hell, you barely have to match your clothes or brush your teeth and people still find you adorable.
- You think the mere act of driving to the bank is all it takes to make money appear. If only it were that simple.
- Exercise isn’t a chore for you. Although, I imagine running around like a banshee burns a shitload of calories.
- If someone pisses you off, you can call them a “stupid head” or sock them in the gut (and hope you don’t get caught) then go about your business.
- You have never had to pick up dog shit after the snow melts. Dogs are all fun and games…until then.
- You don’t have a job. And if you DO have a job, you are likely working for the Disney Channel and making a fuck load more than most people I know, so consider yourself lucky.
- You have never had to deal with telemarketers or any other annoying types of sales people. It is 2013, if I want to buy what you’re selling, I will be in touch.
- You probably don’t know what Candy Crush or Bit Strips are. Ignorance really is bliss.
- Saying exactly what comes to your mind is excused because you are cute and you don’t know any better. You will totally mortify your parents when you do it, but you won’t feel any shame in that game. It’s probably a liberating way to live, until you are forced to develop a filter.
- People cover your mattress with plastic in case you have an accident. Probably something a lot of college kids should take note of.
- Puberty will be the ugliest years of your life, you should be in no rush to endure that shit.
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