10 Ways I Would Help Moms, If I Ruled the World

Sometimes I sit and daydream about what it would be like if I ruled the world. Unfortunately it’s a pretty unrealistic endeavor, but maybe after reading this you will nominate me.

1. Everything would have a drive thru. It’s not because I want Americans to be anymore lazy than we already are, it’s because the country is full of moms. Moms that do NOT want to run any errands where it takes longer to get the kids in and out of the car, than it does to fetch what we need. Needing to run in somewhere just to get stamps, carting multiple kids, is legitimate torture.

2. Everything that couldn’t be a drive thru, would deliver.

3. Everything that couldn’t be drive thru or be delivered would have nice little old ladies stationed outside to watch your kids while you go and pick up what you need. Screw valet for people with nice cars, let’s make valet for moms. And I said “nice old ladies” because I’m hopeful they would be the least likely to joyride, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off-style, with your kids in tow.


4. It would be mandatory for people to carry around suckers, the good ones like at the doctor’s office. That way when a kid is flipping their shit in a public place, you can do a community service and help out the poor chick that’s breaking a sweat and praying for someone to save her. Good kids/A-hole kids/ALL kids, have their moments. And sometimes kids have piss poor timing and their moment transpires in a public place.  It would be a whole lot cooler if people kindly give the kid a sucker to shut them the fuck up, rather than stare at the mom like she is raising a hell beast.

5. Since it’s apparently illegal to touch a pregnant woman’s belly in Pennsylvania, I’m going to amend that law and say it’s also illegal to touch a newborn’s hands. I don’t know that you didn’t just wipe your ass and not wash your hands, then you stick said dirty ass hands on my kid’s hands, and they will immediately put their hands in their mouth. They might as well have skipped a step and just licked your ass.

6. All jeans would all be vanity sized.  No one would have an effing clue what size they were, but we would all strut around thinking we were the shit. That kind of confidence can move mountains my friends.

7. Day drinking wouldn’t be frowned upon. Sometimes a mom just needs to spike her coffee with Baileys and doesn’t want to be judged about it. For days like those, there will be a number for her to call to rent-a-nanny to keep the kids safe and shit. There would be a Homeland Security-style background checks on these life savers, so I got your back ladies and gents. Don’t get all crazy, this isn’t a daily service, it’s just for emergencies only. If your day begins with a kid that smeared poop all over their crib, you have free reign to dial 800-RENT-A-NANNY.

*this service can be used for dads as well, I don’t discriminate.

8. Insurance companies would cover personal trainers for women after they give birth. No ifs, ands, or buts (no pun intended) about it.

9. Daylights Savings Time is CANCELLED. The only thing more annoying than the effects of the actual time change is listening to everyone bitch about it. Two Birds, One Stone.

10. I would be rich, but I promise not to be a dick about it.

What are some of the things you would add to complete this list?

You never know, I might need a VP someday.

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