Please, leave your denial at the door. We have all been here and have all done the following things. From the initial horror of waking up to the flashbacks! A period of about two hours the morning after a massive night out that I like to call "The Jigsaw Phase".... slowly piecing everything together!
1. Pick up your pants and give them a shake. The more jingling you hear, the better the night was thus the more money you spent. The fact that there are no notes to pad against the coins is the reason for the jingling. This can go a long way to show just how drunk you were. Also, it can tie in with number 2 as receipts are often discovered at this stage. It can often lead to more questions than answers e.g "Why did I order four double cheeseburgers? Please say I was ordering for friends".
2. Call a friend and ask just what you ate after the bar closed! You have been watching your figure and decide to go and enjoy a glass of wine with a friend as a present to yourself (you drink red wine now because you're healthy and it's good for the heart). 3 bottles of wine, 6 jagerbombs and 2 bacardi and diets later, your low-fat, high-protein diet has been replaced by the worst food ever invented. You may get a taste of onions or ketchup off your breath but you may need to call a friend to see just how far you went last night. Chances are you threw away all the empty wrappers in your drunken stupor in the hope that this would get rid of the calories also.
3. Have a walk around your house. This can lead to a lot of clues. There might be a lot of flashbacks here. You may remember sitting at home and talking affectionately to your dog while you fed him "doritos" or getting out old photo albums and getting nostalgic about things that never cross your mind when you are sober. Things are slowly starting to make sense!
4. Check your phone and all messaging applications. Please, make sure you are in the right frame of mind before you enter this stage. This may not even happen until later in the afternoon or evening. you may take solace in the fact that the half written message you sent to your ex saying "I always never forget you but you brok....." never delivered. Maybe you are more sensible than you give yourself credit for in the fact that it didn't actually send. This might also reveal clues as to who you ran into etc. Things are starting to look up!! NOTE : This also hinges on whether or not you still have a phone.
5. Call friends to see what happened last night. Make sure you have a think about this one. Are you ready for the answers you are about to get? You may get some insight as to why you keep getting flashbacks of yourself playing air guitar to "AC/DC - Thunderstruck" and explaining to your friends who you hate the way you were never appreciated for your air guitar skills! A good friend will lie and tell you that you were fine....beware of this, it can lull you into a false sense of security. The sense of security could come crashing down when you face number 6.
I HAVE TO PUT A WARNING ON THIS ONE!
6. Approach your partner. If you live with them, wait until they wake. NEVER wake them up. Have two or three compliments at the ready and a heartfelt apology as to why you called them at 5 in the morning to tell them you were going streaking with your friends....."for old times' sake". You may not have the stomach for an argument so your only option might be to hang your head in shame and accept the repercussions. My advice would be to always take this option.
If you have never experienced any of these! You are a better person than 99% of people that will read this blog!
Filed under: Uncategorized