Why Naomi Watts Won't Win the Oscar

In 1992 I ran into Michael Jordan at the now foreclosed Lakeshore Athletic Club. He was doing bicep curls. I guess he was used to seeing paralyzed people in front of him, so he didn’t flinch as I stood there; he just kept doing his thing. The only thing I could think of in my dreamlike state was to bat my lashes furiously and hold my breath to emphasize my now defunct perky C cups. Sweating profusely, I was able to blurt out “Can I have an autograph?” He politely told me to take a hike. I turned around in a daze, feeling like I had just seen the Immaculate Conception. Running into 1992 Michael Jordan was like running into God. I didn’t care if God didn’t give a shit about me. I stood before him and that was all that mattered. I was satisfied.


Yesterday, my good friend that lives in LA posted the status above on her wall. Note my near apoplectic comment. The dentist’s office has to be the best ****ing place ever to run into an A-list celebrity. I mean, you can easily strike up a conversation because the only purpose of a dentist's waiting room is to catch up on Popular Mechanics or to strike conversations with strangers. I immediately imagined the million conversations I would’ve had with Naomi Watts starting with her Oscar nomination for “The Impossible”.

First of all, I would’ve wished her good luck. How can anyone refuse a sentiment like that? After thanking me, I would’ve broken the sad news to her: the Academy does not love you. Here’s the thing: the Academy has a funny way of deciding who the best is. Every time they give it to Meryl Streep, they’re usually on the money, but she’s been overlooked too. And although she probably keeps her awards in a barn and doesn’t give a crap about it anymore...I will get to this in a minute. Let’s take Naomi’s best friend: Nicole Kidman. Sure she’s a great actress, and her prosthetic nose in “The Hours” turned a remarkable performance, but I really think she got that Oscar because the Academy was feeling sorry for her. I mean, the woman was in a fetal position for 4 months after Tom Cruise infamously dumped her. They gave her the only thing that’s equal to love: an Oscar. Think about it. What would you give for an Oscar?

Sandra Bullock. I love Sandra Bullock. The whole world loves Sandra Bullock. The Academy loves Sandra Bullock. And knowing that funny Sandra Bullock would never win for a comedy (that’s not how they roll), they took advantage of the only real chance she would ever get in a dramatic role. I bet that when the news about her cheating husband came out just a few days  after lovingly thanking him in her speech, they sent her 3 more Oscars just to make her feel better.

Leonardo DiCaprio. The Academy loathes this man. The consensus is that he’s consistently amazing; personally, I think he desperately needs Botox between his eyebrows, but that’s another story.

Ben Affleck. The Academy collectively envies this man and will not give him the pleasure. You can’t be amazing at everything AND genetically blessed. That's what everyone, except Charlie Sheen, calls #winning.

Meryl Streep. The Academy did not give her the Oscar for her amazing turn as Julia Child because they had to give it to Sandra Bullock, however, they made it up to her for “The Iron Lady”. Whatever. That Oscar is probably still sitting in the FedEx box it came in.

Back to Naomi. This woman has been so good in everything she’s done. Who didn't love her French accent in “Le Divorce”? (Sharlsanri!); her terrified look in “The Ring” when she figures it out; her kiss with Viggo Mortensen in “Eastern Promises”; her frustration at Antonio Banderas in “You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger”. I mean, there are so many great performances. Not even looking like an 80 year old in “J. Edgar” did it! The Academy envies her, just like Ben Affleck. She’s beautiful and talented. She has a hot man whose exotic name no one can pronounce correctly, the two cutest kids in the world, super-cool Australian friends. What else can you possibly want?

Perhaps a good dentist?


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