Feeding moviegoers’ insatiable desire to see 19th century American icons become gothic-horror action heroes (no, really, that’s apparently a thing now), this weekend sees the opening of The Raven. If you haven’t scratched your heads at/laughed yourself silly over the ads yet, The Raven stars John Cusack as Edgar Allen Poe. In it, the author who’s often credited with helping to invent the detective story must match wits with a serial killer who bases his crimes on Poe’s canon.
If The Raven is a smash hit at the box office—just…okay, come on guys, stop laughing, I’m trying to make a point—if it’s a hit,you can be certain Hollywood will crank it through the Idea Replicate-O-Tron 8000 and “reimagine” other famous authors grappling with their creations. Before they do, a few humble suggestions/predictions.
WOOSTER: An uncouth knave is terrorizing London with high-society capers and cutting observational satire. Only P.G. Wodehouse (Benedict Cumberbatch) can stop him.
THE UNDERGROUND: A demented fiend is ripping psyches asunder throughout Petersburg with a spate of existential crises. Only Fyodor Dostoevsky (Gary Busey) can stop him.
WOLF AND LAMB: A madman is subjecting animals across the Greek countryside to insidious, moralizing death traps. Only Aesop (Abe Vigoda) can…teach him a lesson. (Aesop whips off sunglasses.)
CTHULHU: A deranged architect is plaguing New England with disturbingly non-Euclidean edifices. Only a team of building inspectors lead by H.P. Lovecraft (Guy Pearce) can stop him, but they won’t, because none of us can hope to comprehend or arrest our miserable fates anyway.
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