Like a lot of things in life, dating happens in total waves: the highs, the lows, the drama, the boredom, the frustration, the passion... In short, it can be a crazy, hectic roller coaster and a total blast if you're open to it.
That's why it's even cooler when you do have the chance to find someone that vibes with you all around: that person you can talk with about anything, the person with whom the sex is off the charts, the one you don't mind seeing you cry or looking like a wreck at five in the morning... The one that can pretty much be the one. Or basically, the person that you can say you love (Yes, I broke out that annoying, heavy little four letter word).
So, when something doesn't work and suddenly you break-up and the love's gone... Then what? How do you dare allow yourself to go down such a painful road if it looks like even for a moment, all you can expect is heartbreak?
This all-too-difficult question crossed my own mind as I was chatting with a colleague this weekend over a late lunch after working. We'd been talking about love, randomly, when she'd asked about my own reasons for blogging about relationships. When I'd explained that it started out as a way to deal with some heartbreak, I soon found myself telling her the whole story of my first Windy City romance, Charles*: starting from how we'd first spoken to each other, to our courting process and even how our physical chemistry blew my mind (to this day). In short, I had fallen when I wasn't looking and I loved every second of it. Sure we had our moments, but all I knew was that I cared enough to make it work any way I could.
Anyway, fast forward about a year and my world came crashing down as life circumstances (read: his love for his ex and the child they sporadically conceived) made the fairy tale I thought I found a distant memory. Suddenly, I found myself going through all the waves someone goes through when going through a break-up: I cried, I wasn't quite as hungry and I'd shut down. I was a shell of myself -- and I hated it.
In time, I stopped missing him. I couldn't tell you the exact second when. But I did. I knew it was several months later... But eventually, I was able to let a couple of days go by without having him consume my mind... And, just as quickly as I'd fallen in love, I was letting go. Soon, I was back to myself before I met him: dating, having fun and just enjoying who I am. Essentially, just living in the now.
Do I still think about him? Granted it was a few years ago. But sure, he still enters my mind every so often (I mean, our physical chemistry WAS off the charts). Especially during summer, since it was around this time when we were at the height of it all. In that respect, he had been my first and I'll always treasure that.
Do I resent him? Not anymore. I realized that it had to happen for me to realize how awesome that kind of feeling could be. Because, when I hadn't counted on it, I fell in love. And that feeling was awesome.
Nowadays, I have no real agenda: just have a good time and roll with it. But, after the whole thing with Charles, I realize that I'm not quite as chicken about love as I was before. Even though he and I ended (and love still overwhelms me a little bit) it was worth it for the high I felt when we were together. And if I'm lucky enough to have that cross my path, then bring it.
In the meantime, I still have some dating left to do...