As I look back on the past year, there are many things I am truly grateful for: my partner, my family, my friends, my dogs and my job. But, at the same time, I realized that I have depended wholly on these things to make me happy. I have looked outwards for my happiness; forgetting that happiness comes from within.
In my quest to find happiness this past year from others, I stop trying to make myself happy and became depressed; at the same time blaming those around me for my melancholy. By doing so, I have allowed my own issues to interfere with all my relationships; you know those things I am so grateful for. Kinda an asshole thing to do, right? I agree!
I have been an asshole! I have pushed friends away, frustrated loved ones and pissed off a lot of people. I have not communicated with those that care about me; instead I shut down and hide. I fight to get people upset to feel my depression, hoping they will understand and hurt like I do.
And what has that done for me? Nothing good! I started drinking more (if you can believe that) and smoking WAY TOO MUCH. I stopped running and working out. I found myself almost purposly destroying myself; and for what? Because nobody could make me happy.
It has taken for my relationship to be on the verge of being over for me to realize what I have done. I have depended solely on others to make me happy because I forgot how to be happy! Doing so has drained those around me and basically made them no longer want to be in my life. For this I can only blame myself.
So what do I do now? There is nothing I can do to change the past; but it is time to move forward. This is the year I claim my happiness and get back to living a more complete life. 2012 is the year to mend relationships and learn how to respect those that are important to me. At the same time, I will learn to respect and love myself.
At the end of 2012 I may not have the same relationships with others that I have now; hopefully many will be better, but some may end. Regardless of that outcome, the goal is to improve the relationship I have with myself and in return make my relationship with others healthier. Finding my happiness will allow me to be a better lover, friend, pet owner and co-worker. All of which are good reasons for making theses changes; but the best reason is still ME.
I hope you all get what you are looking for in the new year!
Filed under: 2012, Friends, New Year, New Year Resolution, Relationships, Work
Tags: 2012, Advice, Daniel Scogin, Friends, Relationships, Rudeness, The Queer Guy
