To some an itch is followed by a trip to the chiropractor. Others have had heart attacks and go back to the job site with an Arby’s smokehouse three cheese brisket in their lunch bag. So where do you fall?
Being a hypochondriac can be counterproductive to your love life and occupation (hopefully that’s not one in the same). Answer the following questions to find out if you are a hypochondriac and tally up the points before you make that doctors appointment.
1) Do you like to walk barefoot outside? It could be going to the curb for the newspaper or in the yard over grass and rocks.
3 points=All the time, my feet can handle it.
2 points= Some of the time, it feels uncomfortable.
0 points= Never, I don’t like to walk barefoot in those situations.
2) Do you have anxiety, panic attacks, compulsive behavior, and paranoia when using a public restroom?
3 points= I wipe the toilet seat and hope for the best.
2 points= I bend down in a wall sit position above the porcelain and drop torpedoes like it’s “Hunt for Red October.”
0 points= I would prefer soiling myself than ever go into a disease infested public restroom.
3) When watching America’s Funniest Home videos do you sympathize with the guy that gets hit in the bean bags?
3 points= I don’t feel sorry for him, history has shown that a piñata, a baseball bat, and a person blindfolded is reason enough to protect one’s walnuts.
2 points=I grimace and laugh.
0 points= I can’t watch it, I prefer watching Alfonso (the host)on The Fresh Prince or Silver Spoons.
4) Have you ever received a paper cut and told two people about it?
3 points= I got a paper cut, but kept it to myself.
2 points= I got a paper cut and told one other person.
0 points= I got a paper cut, my heart raced out of control and a “Get Out” tear rolled down my cheek.
5) You always get a second opinion at thedoctor’s office.
3 points= I never seek second opinions, my doctor has a degree on the wall and an attractive nurse, that’s good enough for me.
2 points= I only seek second opinions if it involves std’s or unsubscribed pain medications.
0 points= I get second opinions on everything from doctors, to asking a stranger on the bus, “Do I look fat in my leather pantsuit?”
6) Do you believe that your mosquito bite might be West Nile because the mosquito that bit you was wearing a silk Egyptian robe and sang “King Tut.”
3 points= Mosquito bites don’t bother me.
2 points= I have “off spray” and I am not afraid to use it.
0 points= Yes, the West Nile has prompted me to wear fencing uniforms and to remain indoors.
7). Do you like spicy foods? From chili, to tacos, to wings, can you take the heat without staying up all night and regretting it?
3 points= Yes, I’m like Lou Gramm of Foreignor, I’m hot blooded.
2 points= Yes, but only occasionally.
0 points= No, spicy foods aren’t for me, I would much rather eat a pickle with some soy milk.
The Diagnosis. Add up your results from the 7 questions and see where you fall.
18-21 Points. You are a free spirit, unbridled and carefree.
10-17 Points. You are conscientious and concerned, and have some hypochondriac traits.
9 and under Points. That dot on your hand is cancerous, get your life in order—-nah-that’s just an admission stamp from the jazz concert you went to last night. You have compulsive behaviors typical of hypochondria. Curing hypochondria does not happen over night, however, with therapy and positive lifestyle changes, you can train the mind to build curative powers and live without all of the anxieties.