It is with great pleasure that I offer Rick Pitino, former Louisville Basketball Coach, the position of Head Men’s Basketball Coach for Schiller County Urban Management (SCUM) Men’s 50 and Over Basketball League effective immediately. The terms set forth in this letter will be incorporated into employment with the S.C.U.M. League. His acceptance of this offer will constitute a binding (or bondaging) agreement to make him head of SCUM. His tasks include representing all SCUM and contributing to our Schiller County Urban Management of the Earth program (Scum of the Earth). Duties also include bagging S.C.U.M. trash after games (SCUM-BAG Duties).
*Base Salary: $5.00 per win.
*Membership to: Happy Ending Massage Parlor
*$2 off a lg. pizza at: Lap of Lasagna Ristorante
*10% off at: Hung Far Low Asian Cuisine
*$15.00 gift card to Huggy Bear’s Pimp Boutique—excludes edible items.
*Douchebag Ink Tattoo Parlor—Free body art for every parole violation.
Job functions-Recruiting student athletes by any means necessary.
Work environment- Work to be performed in the SCUM gymnasium, broom closets, and alley ways, under the supervision of Heidi Fleis. Late evenings, and weekend work required.
Physical environment- Must be able to use critical thinking skills to outsmart
possible blackmailers and physical therapists, which coincidentally spells out THErapists. Also may involve heavy lifting, panting, and de-briefing of de briefs.
Disclaimer-Rick Pitino could prosper in this position, although, the position of spread them with his hands behind his back in a holding cell is more suitable for a man of his abomination.
*Isn’t it ironic don’t you think? Pitino was fired for his program hiring prostitutes and strippers and now he is the one that is stripped of his 2013 NCAA title.
*$7,000,000.00, that is how much Pitino was set to make this year. $7,000,000.00 on coaching alone! Ricky don’t lose that number, it’s the only one you got, you might need it when you get older, and meet a Charlie Sheen like end.
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