Answer to the Blonde

Jenna Myers Karvunidis of High Gloss and Sauce commented on my last entry about greying a few vital redhead questions. Instead of responding to her comment, I thought I'd create an entry to answer her individual questions, which I am sure every other non-ginger (and maybe even some daywalkers) are wondering:

Q: Do redheads get along with each other? Because unless they are family, I usually only see one per friend group. (Unlike blondes, for example, who travel in herds.)

A: While many redhead-centric websites will have you believe we feel a special, unspoken bond with each other in the way that two people who think Achy Breaky Heart is the Mozart Sonatina No.98 of our time bond, we actually hate each other. You know how there's the token black kid in every no-longer-flourishing suburban teenager group? And he's supposed to be funny because Chris Rock is funny and he's black? And the kid hates it but then he feels threatened when another cooler, smoother black kid moves in on the group? Well, we're the token black kid and Conan is the ginger Chris Rock, and we don't want anyone encroaching on our, friends...who "love" us for our self-deprecating humor. We're the funniest and gingerest of them all, and damn that daywalker if he tries to steal that from me!

Q:Are redheads offended by the “crazy redhead” stereotype?

A: Crazy? CRAZY? You calling me crazy?


Also, all stereotypes are based on unbiased fact.

Q: Are you opposed to wearing hot pink? Because I think redheads in bright pink look awesome.

A: Teaching moment: redheads always look awesome. No but really, wow. I've never heard that one before. Are  you blind? Are you sure you're not blind? Hot pink, orange, and certain shades of red are big no-nos for reds. Plus I associate hot pink with Barbie, and let's face it, Barbie ruined ginger female self-images long before she ruined negative A-cup (AA) girl self-images.

Q: Are redheads more likely to be left-handed or have other strange physical attributes – like perhaps being psychic or very skilled at math?

A: Redheads are more likely to be awesome at everything to compensate for our lack of melanoma. We're just like the kid with the ugly face who worked out a lot to make up for it and be able to pick up big-boned chicks with pretty faces. That's why a lot of us are good at things like music, getting 4.0s and being hot. Also, because we don't have souls, we are not afraid to sin or die. No Catholic or Jewish guilt for us. We're also witches, according to the Salem Witch Trials, and considered good luck in India according to some random website I read a few years ago that is probably more reliable than the New York Times. I know this because I can predict the future. Oh, and we tend to have more hair than blondes like you (and brunettes too).

Jenna, thank you for the questions. I obviously did some real investigative digging to come up with the answers as I am poised to be the world's next ginger expert.

What have you been wondering about gingers? I'll answer anything, as long as it doesn't have to do with curtains, drapes and/or carpets. Well, I'll answer that. But not very nicely.

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  • SIGH OF RELIEF. I love knowledge. Thank you.

  • You're welcome! Gingers love knowledge too. (That's another unbiased fact.)

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    The Ginger Phile has had the unfortunate disposition of being a ginger since birth. She has tried various medications to cure her gingervitis, including therapies such as tantrum-throwing. Her efforts have been to no avail. Instead, she is trying to write it out, via this blog. Unfortunately, she doesn't think it will bear a soul for her. The Ginger Phile is from the exotic land of Wisconsin, where she had daily inner turmoil over whether she was a ginger or a daywalker. So far, three of three votes say daywalker. She begs to differ, as someone recently told her they would want to be with her if they were biking at night because she is so pale.

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