I almost died today and it is all my pencil skirt's fault.
When I got dressed for work this afternoon, I decided it was time I switch to my fall clothes. And since I nearly went bankrupt with daily Michigan Ave jaunts last autumn, my closet was brimming with saucy, seasonal size 4 choices.
Inspired by Mad Men, I chose a black pencil skirt (my favorite!), gray blazer, and periwinkle blouse. As I slipped the skirt past my knees, I was surprised that it was already feeling a little snug. When the smooth material skimmed my thighs, it got even tighter. And, as I laid down on my bed to zip and button the skirt (everyone knows it's easier to squeeze into clothes laying down!), I was seriously confused. Why was my skirt so tight? It fit so well last year- in fact, it was loose!
Feeling more than a bit pissed off, I marched or rather, gingerly walked (...my skirt didn't allow marching), to the full length mirror that hangs from our front hall closet. Holy Fucking Cupcakes! I looked like Jessica Simpson! And, I'm not talking about Dukes of Hazzard Jessica, I looked like Mom Jeans Jessica, with chub fighting to break free from its cotton-polyester prison.
As I stared at myself in the mirror, my sweet husband complimented me profusely (he totally knows when I NEED to hear that I look good) and gently reminded me that I was running late for work.
I had no choice but to rock my pencil skirt, only I wasn't rocking it; I was killing myself with that skirt.When I sat down in the car, I couldn't breathe. Like, gasping for air, turning purple, couldn't breathe. I knew if I didn't do something, I was going to be killed....by my PENCIL SKIRT!! Now, because I have only been married 2 years to my dashing husband, I still TRY to maintain my feminine allure and so I didn't unzip my skirt to save myself. Instead, I feigned sexiness and reclined my passenger seat all the way back so my organs could move back to their proper place.
Once I got to work, I ran to the ladies room and unbuttoned the top button of the skirt. Because my blazer was a bit long, I was able to cover up the button, too (note to self: always buy long-ish blazers). I was still uncomfortable.
Desperate, I considered pulling a Gaga and walking around the office in my underpants. Then, I remembered I was wearing granny panties that had been half-chewed by my dogs (they seriously either chew or poop on everything I own), so, my vanity kept my skirt on.
During my whole shift, I prayed that my skirt would not rip, or that the remaining button wouldn't pop off and hit someone in the eye. Luckily, I was the only victim of my pencil skirt.
When I got in the car to drive home, visions of sweatpants danced in my head. I couldn't wait to get home and rip off that skirt but I had a friend's birthday party to attend and I didn't think holey sweatpants was what she meant when she said wear something casual.
I had been a slave to this skirt for 9 hours already, what was 2 more hours? Well, 2 more hours was miserable. Awful. I always thought that clothes got looser the longer you had them on, but, in the case of the evil pencil skirt, it's opposite. This skirt? Was getting TIGHTER.
An hour later, I was home. And,12 hours after I first struggled to zip the skirt, it was off- a rumpled reminder that I have gained more than a few lbs back since last fall.
I am not sure when or where it happened (ok, that's a lie- it happened at Popeye's, Burger King, Chipotle, and Margie's Candie's), but I did gain back 7 lbs since last fall. I have been indulging way too much this summer and I know it. And, yes, 7lbs may not seem like alot of weight, but it's really a matter of life and death when it comes to pencil skirts, FCCers.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Tags: Burger King, Chipotle, diet, husband, Jessica Simpson, Mad Men, Margie's Candies, Michigan Ave, mirror, mom jeans, pencil skirt, Popeye's
lmao!! I few clothing items like that..