Awkward New Year's resolutions

New Year's resolutions.  Ah, a fresh and clean slate to improve our lives and the lives of our loved ones around us.  I've take the first couple days of the new year to reflect on resolutions - my own and others out there in the world.  If you must know my resolution - I have committed myself to eating 200 meals of Chipotle in 2013 anno domini.  With 1,095 meals in a given year and taking breakfast out (Chipotle doesn't offer breakfast),  I have 730 primary opportunities in the given year.   That is a little more than 27% of my meals.  Allow the delicious quest to commence!

ANYWAY, let's take a look at some of the awkward (some not-so-awkward) resolutions I've picked up from friends, family, peers, bystanders, city bums, and any other person I've heard that cannot be categorized:

- Stop beating your dog...because the whimpering at night is affecting your sleep.

- Stop texting that same girl at 12:36 a.m...because you aren't going to ask her out for that first date she's been waiting for.  It's cramping your dating style.

- Stop swearing...only relegating your vulgarities to your head, creating secret resentment toward the recipients of your vulgarities.

- Stop staring at that girl at the gym...she knows, man.  She knows...

- Do laundry more than once a month...the three-day rule for your underwear was solid through college, but adulthood has a different set of rules.

- Don't go to a house party all year...are you sure she is 18?

- Try to keep No. 2 bathroom breaks under 20 minutes...yep.

- Stop checking out your ex-girlfriend on Facebook...over the course of 365 days, spending 45 minutes a day scrolling through her pictures (16,425 minutes of your life) just ain't worth it, bro.

- Read one book a month...collecting dust on a shelf of books is never a good thing.

- Go to church/temple/synagogue/house of worship more often...these guys offer something called "forgiveness."  Well, I think most do?

- Be honest with people...if someone's zipper is down, tell him...if someone has armpit stains, donate some deodorant...if your friend has broccoli in his teeth, tell him to stop eating broccoli.

- Start picking your nose in public...that itchy nose just isn't worth it anymore.

- Lose weight and keep it off throughout 2013...because taking it off in January and adding to your weight in February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, and December isn't really a "net loss."

- Stop killing innocent spiders...these creatures are sitting in the corner of your home, not bothering a soul and helping pest control.

- Smile more...but hopefully brush your teeth often.

- Quit drinking...wait, nevermind.  That sounds like nonsense.

- Follow Dave on Twitter...@DaveSalvi (see what I did there?)

- Keep on shufflin'...So fun! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ6zr6kCPj8

 

Cheers to all and here's to a happy and healthy 2013!

 

 

 

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    David T.

    I enjoy making observances of societal awkwardness. We have no one to blame but ourselves for these moments. Consider me the conduit of awkward. I may insert an opinion or two, but feel free to ignore.

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