Awkward and sports, a love story - Part 1

Part 1 of 2...

Take it easy, sports fans

This is a story of love, a story of uncharted passion between two prevalent things in our life: awkward moments and sports.

We should all personally thank the athletes of our favorites sports (and teams) for the entertainment these Herculean Heroes provide during the course of our lives.  As fans, we buy tickets and jerseys, watch every pre-season game, regular season game, playoff game, press conference, pre-game show, post-game show, documentary (a piece created 2 minutes after the Super Bowl for two payments of $19.99), et cetera.


We should recognize these are people playing games for money.  Not demi-gods, role models, or heroes.

What happens when we treat these players as God's Gifts to mankind?  Awkward stadiums, at bars, in the street.  You really have to wonder: What the hell are people doing?

Let's examine -

Exhibit A: Wearing Jerseys and thinking you are part of the team...

These troglodytes need to realize that society has a code of conduct and a reasonable expectation to follow.  A XXXL Michael Jordan jersey does not mean we are going to treat you like His Airness, adding an unkempt beard and beer breath never helps either.  By the way, jerseys are for children aspiring to fulfill dreams of athletic glory...not Gus, our neighborhood drunk and metaphorical rectal itch.  Be an adult.  Dress like an adult.

Exhibit B: Sports Shrine at home, your evening pilgrimage...

Even though these individuals are proud of their "interior decorating," my immediate reaction to the shrines makes my skin crawl.  I am afraid, feel awkward and never know how to "compliment" their obsessions.  I'm not walking into Saint Peter's Basilica or Taj Mahal.  Even though flea markets, pawn shops, antique stores and rusty old crap is their forte, it is not mine.  Please spare us the embarrassing reaction.  If you have a sports shrine, realize that showing it off is not a good idea.  No one shares your fervor, only the universal belief that you a nutbar.

Exhibit C: Cursing at the stadium, children present...

I understand we live in a kindergarten country and the slightest offense is misinterpreted and misconstrued to the nth degree.  "Dave, why are you bitching about some drunk person swearing at a competitive sports event?"  Well, first of all, he or she isn't competing - professional athletes are.  Second, unless the athlete is a mental midget, he/she cannot hear you from the stands.  I refuse to believe it.  Athletes may hear the roar of an entire crowd, but not individual comments and retarded rants of vulgarity (much like my retarded awkward rant the other day -  And, if there is a child present, aren't you embarrassed? Can't you think of a better way to channel your frustrations of E.D., drinking problems and unfulfilled high school sports accomplishments?  I feel awkward and would say something if it were my child listening to your garbage.  Instead I give you a death stare.  Shame on you, sir.  Shame on you.


I only hope to evangelize in the name of perspective, a lost trait.  If only we can detach our emotional rollercoaster within our sporting loves, the world may make a little more sense.  Without that perspective, you are making plenty of people feel awkward.  Stop it!


Stay tuned for Part 2 at the end of the week when we analyze specific moments in sports when awkward is inserted and athletes look really silly.  I love silliness!  

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