Losing my blogger virginity: Awkward...

Admittedly, with every word I type, I'm in the process of losing my blogger virginity.  This very action is the same awkward action you make in the bedroom when you THINK you know what you are doing as you pop the "cherry."  Enduring the process to the best of your ability...Is this the right thing to do, or are you boring the hell out of the recipient?  Feel free to include me in the category of "I have no idea what I am doing down there.  I'm in a labryrinth and David Bowie is haunting me." - I'd be in the minority, because I'm not a liar.  Okay, I lied about David Bowie.  Or am I?  Is this awkward?

A dictionary definition of "awkward" says "1. Lacking skill or dexterity; clumsy. 2. Lacking grace or movement. 3. Lacking social graces or manners. 4. Not well planned or designed for easy or effective use. 5. Requiring caution; somewhat hazardous; dangerous."  Thank you, Dictionary.com for your official definition.  Shall we expand upon our word of choice for this blog post and all future posts' application?  Okay, great!  Uncomfortable scenarios.  My dear blog readers, you can think of a time where the room "felt awkward" or a person was acting "awkward."  I would contend you didn't describe your feeling as, "Hey, I'm really lacking skill or dexterity right now!"  You felt freaking uncomfortable and wanted said feeling to cease immediately.  Awkward can be formed from brutal honesty, "Honey, I know Mike and Amy are our neighbors, but do we really have to have these bastards over for dinner?  More potato salad, Mike?"  Perhaps you find yourself compelled to blurt out a truthful statement (which needs to be said).  Guess what, you just made things aaaaaawkwarrrrrd.  Perhaps someone is making a social faux pas directly in front of you?  Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?  Aaaaaawkwarrrrd.

In the subsequent posts on this blog, we shall evaluate, review and play 'show and tell' with the awkward moments of our lives.  Some may call this a sociological experience, others a taste of comedy amidst others' disasters.  Frankly, whatever you take from the anecdotes and scenarios, well, frankly, take something from it - but I am not concerned with what.  And always feel free to share your disasterous stories with me to further perpetuate the constant feeling of awkward - not as a "Dear Abby" column though.  I'm not here to solve anything, just notice the awkward..  As long as we have societal paradigms, we shall have our awkward.  Ever evolving and ever unpredictable.

What is an awkward blog post without citing particular awkward situations?  With that, I leave with you several Rhetorical Questions of Awkward as a mental exercise:

If you fart in public, will anyone ever call you on it?  Does a woman know I'm undressing her unsuccessfully with my eyes? Can I tell that mother to stop screaming and slapping her child or allow the crying to continue as my ears bleed?  I'd prefer my ears to not bleed.  Will my co-workers know I took the last Coca-Cola? Great first date - do I kiss, or does she, or what if she doesn't want to kiss, can I give her a high-five instead?  I just knocked that kid over, am I allowed to help him up or is that Sandusky-esque?  Is it socially acceptable to Febreze your neighbor on an 8-hour international flight?  What if he's French?  After love-making, does saying "I'm going to clean up" indicate you think sex is gross, she is gross or you are gross?  Can I tell the homeless guy to take a bath, but not offer mine?  Do homeless shelters have baths?  Honestly, I don't know if that amenity is included.  Speaking of: is it wrong to think the homeless guy does not have a 6-year-old son with diabetes stowed away in the bag of tin cans at his hip?  I'm just calling b.s. on that one...

The Tales of Awkward begins.  Until next time...




Leave a comment
  • At least you admit you are awkward. Others on Chicago Now make fools of themselves, and when commenters point it out, call them trolls or ask why someone reads their drivel.

    Of course there is the question why people want to publish their personal awkward moments on the web, or whether Mark and Amy deserve what your wife said about them or what you wife said.

    As far as farting in public, I go along with Craig Ferguson, who said "the dog show prizes should go to the dogs who help the blind, are engaged in search and rescue, and take the blame for us breaking wind."

  • In reply to jack:

    You don't call a dog 'wind-breaker' because of its coat.

  • Welcome to Chicago Now. Can't wait to read even more awkwardness.

Leave a comment