Posts in category "freak outs"

My top five public speaking fails

Writer’s block is living large up in here. Usually I can turn the banal into something funny (or at least something fun to write), but my brain is like a big old black hole sucking in late-night Netflix documentaries while inhaling Pirate’s Booty. God damn that stuff is amazing. Anyway, last night I awoke panic-stricken... Read more »

I'm not ready for my kid to head to year

Lately,  my newsfeed is filled with happy pictures of kids heading off to their first day of school. I  can almost remember what it smelled like that first week – new clothes, fancy folders and locker combinations I still dream about. However, this year things feel a little more sentimental. With every photo I study,... Read more »

"You cannot use pledge wipes as bathroom wipes" and other conversations with my mom

My mom, Ho-Ho, called me eight times this past Sunday.  Our final conversation ended with, “[y]ou’re a real bitch Annie. Love you. Bye”. This was of course in response to me imploring her to talk to her doctor before she refuses to continue taking a prescription. THE GALL! Ho-Ho’s lovely sign-off inspired me to put... Read more »

9 reasons I'd rather shave my tongue with a dull razor than go to another movie with my preschooler

Last week I went to a movie with my son. It was nothing like the first time we took him to theater, all doe-eyed, shoving popcorn in his mouth faster than his greasy hands could grab those kernels. “Thank you mama,” he said when we left the theater after his inaugural outing. “Wow!” I said... Read more »

Chaos! Please help me organize my digital photos

People of the Internet! I turn to you once again to help me in my terribly misguided life. This time, I need to know how to deal with the GAJILLIONS of photos we have taken with our trusty digi camera. I love  taking pictures almost as much as complaining about how giant image files slow... Read more »

7 bogus excuses my 3-year-old uses to avoid bedtime

Holy sweet mother of pearl. I am convinced my kid doesn’t want to survive in this world. Whether it’s because he is driving his parents to the point of insanity with late night shenanigans or he simply isn’t on board with  the fact that EVERY SINGLE BEING needs to rest – I don’t care. The shit... Read more »

I am the world's worst cook

No one has ever accused me of being a good cook. I try, I really do. But sometimes cereal is so much easier. When I do make something tasty it is likely unintentional and impossible to replicate. And then there is the problem of a short attention span. A few weeks ago, while making BBQ... Read more »

7 annoying things that just might kill me

Sweet mother of pearl am I losing it.  Most of my complaints are irrational, but what’s new? And since Mr. Swirley is on a business trip and unreachable because he is all fancy and out to dinner with co-workers, it’s time to overshare. And if you are too lazy to read, you can check out... Read more »

Letter to a new mom: Five reasons why you kick ass

You will have some toned-ass biceps. OK, maybe just one arm, but whatevs. Yes, it’s due to lugging that little peanut around, doing arm-lifts with a car seat or late night “swinging sessions”, but hey, exercise is exercise! And it’s free. And best of all, if you are sleepy enough, you won’t even remember doing the actual heavy lifting.
This week, many of us here at ChicagoNow have been writing letters and sharing our thoughts to all the new mothers out there. My two cents? Eat lots of tacos and ice cream, cherish your newly acquired biceps and be kind to yourself. Listen, there is a lot of scary talk out there when it... Read more »

Caretaking Chronicles: White Flag Wednesday

All as has been quiet on the mom front since she was released from the hospital a few weeks ago. So quiet, in fact, that I  actually relaxed (sort of) and laughed at the over $100K charged for her three hospital stays during the first quarter of this year. Nuts, right? But fun time is... Read more »
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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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