Caregiving Chronicles: Only quitters give up smoking

Guess who's back?! Ardie Ho-Ho...with a vengeance! Technically speaking my mom never left, but she's certainly been quiet. Or I've  successfully ignored her phone calls while focusing on the madness that is the Chicago Public School system. Either way, we've enjoyed a welcome  albeit temporary respite from Hurricane Ho-Ho.

Yesterday morning, while sitting through the umpteenth elementary school tour, my phone rudely binged to alert me to a new email. It read something akin to: "Your mom called the police. She told them she had been beaten. What should we do? Sorry."

The Hell if I know. It's Christmastime which generally serves as the catalyst for a long, shenanigans-filled winter courtesy of Lady Ho-Ho.

When I called my mom a few minutes after receiving said email, she informed me that she had called the police because someone had stolen her Nicorette gum.

Nicorette gum, you ask? Did I neglect to tell you that she picked up smoking...again? She's no quitter, dammit!  And Ho-Ho lights those suckers up in her room...a room that shares a wall with a neighbor hooked up to an oxygen tank 24/7.

Fear not, friends! According to mommy dearest, she's only puffing on one cigarette a day that she bums off of other residents. THANKS GUYS!

Why start smoking after avoiding those tasty cancer sticks for so long (eight years)? To add another prescription to her arsenal, of course! This time she is seeking smoking cessation goodies courtesy of taxpayers Medicare. Anyway, from what I gleaned, mom spent a cool $20 on Nicorette gum, chewed it all, forgot and called the police to report it stolen.

Oh, and she has a dental plate so I can't determine how she is actually chewing the gum. But, I suppose that is neither here nor there.

So here we are, friends. Winter is upon us and it's time to switch my ringer to vibrate.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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