9 reasons I'd rather shave my tongue with a dull razor than go to another movie with my preschooler

Last week I went to a movie with my son. It was nothing like the first time we took him to theater, all doe-eyed, shoving popcorn in his mouth faster than his greasy hands could grab those kernels. "Thank you mama," he said when we left the theater after his inaugural outing. "Wow!" I said to Mr. Swirley in surprise, "we raised a human?"

But his second movie? Oh no. This time it was a real shit show.

Lessons learned:

1. Tiny humans are akin to excited animals.

TIP: Buy your tickets in advance or risk  little troublemakers pounding on the glass counters while you attempt to: hold your bag of bag of contraband snacks um nothing whatsoever, buy tickets, bat children's wild arms away and apologize profusely to the clerk.

2. Tiny humans are seemingly deaf to repeated requests to act like civilized people.

TIP:  One person should escort the kids to the theater while other grabs drinks. We stayed together and witnessed the boys hopping on and off the barstools while ignoring our displeased tones. "I'm sorry, he can't sit there," pleaded the bartender. "Of course I replied," as I hurriedly pulled my credit card out and signed the receipt. I questioned why I was buying a drink when the kids were obviously too amped up to function and realized, THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I WAS BUYING A DRINK.

3. Whether it's from picking your kid up of the sticky floor, or simply a fight or flight reaction, you will sweat, sweat, and sweat.

TIP: Wear deodorant.

4.  Those wide open spaces, aka the theater hallways, trigger kids' innate need to run like a herd of angry elephants and storm the theater.

TIP: Make your kids wear shoes a few sizes too big.  And apologize. We added a  "you're welcome for the free birth control."

5. Kids' appetites are insatiable.

TIP: Don't bring broccoli for a snack.  It smells like farts and everyone will hate you even more. Bring anything else. And lots of it.

This one is obviously my fault. Well, actually, let's be honest - they all are. I chose to bring a 20% rational person to a closed, dark room and asked him to sit quietly for two hours. But I digress...

6. REMEMBER THIS, PEOPLE: Kids are incapable of sharing popcorn. Playing handsy in a popcorn tub is a toddler's worst nightmare.

TIP:  Buy two bags of popcorn or bring your own bowls to share; the last thing you want is a kid melting down because he has a different bowl than his dingleberry friend. At home I could care less if a kid loses his mind over not having the green bowl. However, in a room full of people straining to hear the film over your companions' constant shifting and "whys", you've got to be strategic in limiting conflict.

7. I am incapable of choosing age appropriate films.

TIP: Check out CommonSenseMedia.org review of the movie you are plan on viewing. In our case, I watched the preview for "How to Tame Your Dragon II" and it looked OK. SPOILER ALERT-  Integral scenes skipped in the preview: death of  a main character, 12,000 minute funeral, and a generally terrifying villain.  It was only afterwards did I find this wonderful site that told me how shitastic of a mom I was. Whoops.

8. Did I mention the sweating? Sweet mother of pearl the perspiration is intense.

post-movie parent

9.  Tiny humans cannot tell the difference between a velvet rope and a jump rope.

TIP:  Tell your kids they will burn their grubby little hands if they touch the ropes. Too honest of a parent? You've been warned. In our case, the boys knocked it over with a dramatic clank and I am pretty sure that were we not already leaving by choice, we would have received a swift kick in the ass.

Our night ended with me popping my kid's balloon and giving up on life. This isn't to say we won't try it again, but maybe next time we will volunteer a friend to take him.

No one ever accused me of being rational.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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