"You cannot use pledge wipes as bathroom wipes" and other conversations with my mom

My mom, Ho-Ho, called me eight times this past Sunday.  Our final conversation ended with, "[y]ou're a real bitch Annie. Love you. Bye". This was of course in response to me imploring her to talk to her doctor before she refuses to continue taking a prescription. THE GALL!

Ho-Ho's lovely sign-off inspired me to put together a little collection of "Ho-Ho-isms" I've documented through the years. I mean, to call someone a B and follow-up with "I love you"? Genius.

Here goes - the best of Ho-Ho.

----
"Well, what do you want me to do? I can't stop going to the bathroom," on our way to the ER after I realized she ingested 22 Imodium pills in a single day. Then we got spit on.
-----
"Do you have any superglue?" asked Ho-Ho after her dental crown fell out.
-----
Ho-Ho: "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE GUACAMOLE! I KNOW HOW TO MAKE GUACAMOLE". Apparently guacamole calls for a tub of mayonnaise.
----
Ardie's first handmade gift for EK.

This is tremendous.

This is tremendous.

----
Me: Mom, what are you doing?
Ho-Ho: Knitting.
Me: You ok?
Ho-Ho: Yes, just mad.
Me. Why are you mad?
Ho-Ho: I’m not mad. I’m tired.
Me: Why are you tired?
Ho-Ho: I’m not tired
----
Ho-Ho looking at the Sunday sales papers
Ho-Ho: I need a dremil rotary tool kit. It’s on sale for $24.99.
Me: Why?
Ho-Ho: For my feet.
----
Ardie's thank-you notes might be diverted to the FBI if she doesn't look out.

No return address, our address in the upper right hand corner and a stamp thrown on with flair. Oh, and "hi cats!"

No return address, our address in the upper right hand corner and a stamp thrown on with flair. Oh, and "hi cats!"

----
Ho-Ho: Annie, I am going to see a new neurologist.
Me: Why?
Ho-Ho:  I don’t like mine. He wants me to take a new medicine.
*** note it took SIX MONTHS to get her in to this clinic and she calls him constantly to try new meds.
Me: What medicine?
Ho-Ho: I don’t know.
Me: Huh?
Ho-Ho: God blessed. Rustling of papers and more cursing. Then some name I don’t remember.
Me: Why don’t you want to take it? What does it do?
Ho-Ho: I just don’t. I don’t know what it does but I am smart. So I am going to see this new neuro.
----
Ho-Ho: Can you bring me tea bags? I was drugged. [sip]
Me: What are you drinking?
Ho-Ho: [plaintively] Tea.
----
Ho-Ho: Can you bring me more socks?
Me: I packed ten pairs
Ho-Ho: I used them all.
Me: In three days?
----
Ho-Ho: Do you want some of my lingerie?

Me: [shudder] No thanks.lingerie
----
Ho-Ho: Can you come dye my hair?
Me: [pause]...In the hospital?
Ho-Ho: No! That is ridiculous. Why would you dye my hair here?
----
Me: Why do you have a warm air humidifier?
Ho-Ho: I TOLD YOU I NEEDED ONE AND YOU DIDN'T BRING ONE!! It's not blowing warm air. [In my defense, I was out of town the last four days. Merry f'ing Xmas.]
Me: It just burned my hand.
Ho-Ho: Well don't touch it, it's a warm air humidifier.
----
Me: OK, I am putting a week of pills in your lock box.
Ho-Ho: I NEED MORE ACETAMINOPHEN. I have a lot of pain.
Me: Tylenol?
Ho-Ho: Acetaminophen is not Tylenol!! And yes.
Me: OK... Anyway, you have methadone for pain.
Ho-Ho: That isn't enough to manage my pain. I need Tylenol.
Me: Fair enough.
----
Me: Mom, are you using dish soap as body wash?
Ho-Ho: Yes.
Me: But you have body wash.
Ho-Ho: I know.
----
Me: MOM! You cannot use pledge wipes as bathroom wipes.
Ho-Ho: Whoops! (giggle)
---
Ho-Ho: This is my favorite song.
To every song that plays on the radio
----
Ho-Ho: (re: Bandit the cat in a box under the Xmas tree) Leave him alone. He is enjoying the Yuletide spirit.
----
Me: Mom, what are you looking for? (as she poked around the pantry)
Ho-Ho: I’m hungry!
Ho-Ho's sis: No carbs, Ardie. They won’t fill you up.
Ho-Ho: I don’t want carbs! How about a pop-tart?
----
Doctor: So, is this new sleeping pattern stopping you from engaging in everyday activities?
Ho-Ho: No.
Doctor: You are able to do things you were doing before?
Ho-Ho: Yes. I walk two miles every day. (editorial note: this is a blatant lie)
Doctor: So what is the problem?
Ho-Ho: I am falling asleep all the G-D time! I can’t do anything
----
Me: Are you feeling better than yesterday?
Ho-Ho: Yes.
Me: Great.
Ho-Ho: Yes. I feel the same.
Me: What?
Ho-Ho: I feel the same as yesterday.
Me: Did you get your medicine today?
Ho-Ho: No.
Me: They didn’t give you your morning meds?
Ho-Ho: They did.
----
“Do they make steak baby food?”
----
Ho-Ho: I need more laundry money. I had to use mine to buy hair gel.
Me: I just bought you some last week.
Ho-Ho: I know. I needed more.
----
hoho's address bookHo-Ho asked that I transfer info from her old address book to a new one. I found these goodies:
a. Nov. 8 – My birthday which is actually Ho-Ho's special day
b. Pet Portraits by Dianne (I will scan the portrait of my grandfather she had commissioned when I can get my hands on it. It is TREMENDOUS)
c.Linda Rodstandt’s agent
d. One zillion perfume websites (fragrance.net is on a majority of the pages so it can be found at a moment’s notice. The website would be especially useful if she actually used the interwebs.)
e. Applebees x 2
f.  American Bar Association
g. Listed under S for Shopping – Bloomingdales, JC Penney, Nordstrom, Speigel, Chadwicks, Country Door (my nemesis), Monroe and Main. QVC, HSN
h. FBI
i. 911
j. Smithsonian
----
Me: Did you just drink creamer out of a cup?
Ho-Ho: Yes.
Me: Carry on
----
Ho-Ho: I need you to fix my hems. Someone moved them.
Me: I don't think someone removed and resewed your hems in a different pattern. I am pretty sure you just gained a few lbs.
Ho-Ho: You have no idea what you are talking about.
----
Me: You are reading the instructions in French.
Ho-Ho: I know. I speak French.
Me: No, I don't think you do.
Ho-Ho: Oh, right.
----
My favorite voicemail EVER

“Ang, it’s me. Do you have a potting…not a potting thing. But...a soil digger…a plant pusher, you know? A spoon. A big spoon would be helpful. If you have a potting mechanism I can borrow I would really like that very much.”
----
teethHo-Ho: I broke my [dental] bridge.
Me: [holding up a Laffy Taffy wrapper] Did you eat this?
Ho-Ho: [hands on hips] NO! Maybe.
She then proceeded to try to chew a piece of gum sans teeth.

I love this woman so damn much.

No one ever accused me of being rational. Click here to like Swirleytime  Facebook for interesting stories, links and a lot of self-deprecating humor and follow on twitter @swirleytime.

Don't rely on fickle Facebook for updates. Subscribe to Swirleytime below for more stories of screw-ups and weird observations. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

Leave a comment

  • ChicagoNow is full of win

    Welcome to ChicagoNow.

    Meet our bloggers,
    post comments, or
    pitch your blog idea.

  • Advertisement:
  • Meet The Blogger

    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

  • Recent posts

  • Monthly Archives

  • Tags

  • Latest on ChicagoNow

  • Advertisement:
  • Fresh Chicago News