"You cannot use pledge wipes as bathroom wipes" and other conversations with my mom

My mom, Ho-Ho, called me eight times this past Sunday.  Our final conversation ended with, "[y]ou're a real bitch Annie. Love you. Bye". This was of course in response to me imploring her to talk to her doctor before she refuses to continue taking a prescription. THE GALL!

Ho-Ho's lovely sign-off inspired me to put together a little collection of "Ho-Ho-isms" I've documented through the years. I mean, to call someone a B and follow-up with "I love you"? Genius.

Here goes - the best of Ho-Ho.

"Well, what do you want me to do? I can't stop going to the bathroom," on our way to the ER after I realized she ingested 22 Imodium pills in a single day. Then we got spit on.
"Do you have any superglue?" asked Ho-Ho after her dental crown fell out.
Ho-Ho: "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE GUACAMOLE! I KNOW HOW TO MAKE GUACAMOLE". Apparently guacamole calls for a tub of mayonnaise.
Ardie's first handmade gift for EK.

This is tremendous.

This is tremendous.

Me: Mom, what are you doing?
Ho-Ho: Knitting.
Me: You ok?
Ho-Ho: Yes, just mad.
Me. Why are you mad?
Ho-Ho: I’m not mad. I’m tired.
Me: Why are you tired?
Ho-Ho: I’m not tired
Ho-Ho looking at the Sunday sales papers
Ho-Ho: I need a dremil rotary tool kit. It’s on sale for $24.99.
Me: Why?
Ho-Ho: For my feet.
Ardie's thank-you notes might be diverted to the FBI if she doesn't look out.

No return address, our address in the upper right hand corner and a stamp thrown on with flair. Oh, and "hi cats!"

No return address, our address in the upper right hand corner and a stamp thrown on with flair. Oh, and "hi cats!"

Ho-Ho: Annie, I am going to see a new neurologist.
Me: Why?
Ho-Ho:  I don’t like mine. He wants me to take a new medicine.
*** note it took SIX MONTHS to get her in to this clinic and she calls him constantly to try new meds.
Me: What medicine?
Ho-Ho: I don’t know.
Me: Huh?
Ho-Ho: God blessed. Rustling of papers and more cursing. Then some name I don’t remember.
Me: Why don’t you want to take it? What does it do?
Ho-Ho: I just don’t. I don’t know what it does but I am smart. So I am going to see this new neuro.
Ho-Ho: Can you bring me tea bags? I was drugged. [sip]
Me: What are you drinking?
Ho-Ho: [plaintively] Tea.
Ho-Ho: Can you bring me more socks?
Me: I packed ten pairs
Ho-Ho: I used them all.
Me: In three days?
Ho-Ho: Do you want some of my lingerie?

Me: [shudder] No thanks.lingerie
Ho-Ho: Can you come dye my hair?
Me: [pause]...In the hospital?
Ho-Ho: No! That is ridiculous. Why would you dye my hair here?
Me: Why do you have a warm air humidifier?
Ho-Ho: I TOLD YOU I NEEDED ONE AND YOU DIDN'T BRING ONE!! It's not blowing warm air. [In my defense, I was out of town the last four days. Merry f'ing Xmas.]
Me: It just burned my hand.
Ho-Ho: Well don't touch it, it's a warm air humidifier.
Me: OK, I am putting a week of pills in your lock box.
Ho-Ho: I NEED MORE ACETAMINOPHEN. I have a lot of pain.
Me: Tylenol?
Ho-Ho: Acetaminophen is not Tylenol!! And yes.
Me: OK... Anyway, you have methadone for pain.
Ho-Ho: That isn't enough to manage my pain. I need Tylenol.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: Mom, are you using dish soap as body wash?
Ho-Ho: Yes.
Me: But you have body wash.
Ho-Ho: I know.
Me: MOM! You cannot use pledge wipes as bathroom wipes.
Ho-Ho: Whoops! (giggle)
Ho-Ho: This is my favorite song.
To every song that plays on the radio
Ho-Ho: (re: Bandit the cat in a box under the Xmas tree) Leave him alone. He is enjoying the Yuletide spirit.
Me: Mom, what are you looking for? (as she poked around the pantry)
Ho-Ho: I’m hungry!
Ho-Ho's sis: No carbs, Ardie. They won’t fill you up.
Ho-Ho: I don’t want carbs! How about a pop-tart?
Doctor: So, is this new sleeping pattern stopping you from engaging in everyday activities?
Ho-Ho: No.
Doctor: You are able to do things you were doing before?
Ho-Ho: Yes. I walk two miles every day. (editorial note: this is a blatant lie)
Doctor: So what is the problem?
Ho-Ho: I am falling asleep all the G-D time! I can’t do anything
Me: Are you feeling better than yesterday?
Ho-Ho: Yes.
Me: Great.
Ho-Ho: Yes. I feel the same.
Me: What?
Ho-Ho: I feel the same as yesterday.
Me: Did you get your medicine today?
Ho-Ho: No.
Me: They didn’t give you your morning meds?
Ho-Ho: They did.
“Do they make steak baby food?”
Ho-Ho: I need more laundry money. I had to use mine to buy hair gel.
Me: I just bought you some last week.
Ho-Ho: I know. I needed more.
hoho's address bookHo-Ho asked that I transfer info from her old address book to a new one. I found these goodies:
a. Nov. 8 – My birthday which is actually Ho-Ho's special day
b. Pet Portraits by Dianne (I will scan the portrait of my grandfather she had commissioned when I can get my hands on it. It is TREMENDOUS)
c.Linda Rodstandt’s agent
d. One zillion perfume websites (fragrance.net is on a majority of the pages so it can be found at a moment’s notice. The website would be especially useful if she actually used the interwebs.)
e. Applebees x 2
f.  American Bar Association
g. Listed under S for Shopping – Bloomingdales, JC Penney, Nordstrom, Speigel, Chadwicks, Country Door (my nemesis), Monroe and Main. QVC, HSN
h. FBI
i. 911
j. Smithsonian
Me: Did you just drink creamer out of a cup?
Ho-Ho: Yes.
Me: Carry on
Ho-Ho: I need you to fix my hems. Someone moved them.
Me: I don't think someone removed and resewed your hems in a different pattern. I am pretty sure you just gained a few lbs.
Ho-Ho: You have no idea what you are talking about.
Me: You are reading the instructions in French.
Ho-Ho: I know. I speak French.
Me: No, I don't think you do.
Ho-Ho: Oh, right.
My favorite voicemail EVER

“Ang, it’s me. Do you have a potting…not a potting thing. But...a soil digger…a plant pusher, you know? A spoon. A big spoon would be helpful. If you have a potting mechanism I can borrow I would really like that very much.”
teethHo-Ho: I broke my [dental] bridge.
Me: [holding up a Laffy Taffy wrapper] Did you eat this?
Ho-Ho: [hands on hips] NO! Maybe.
She then proceeded to try to chew a piece of gum sans teeth.

I love this woman so damn much.

No one ever accused me of being rational. Click here to like Swirleytime  Facebook for interesting stories, links and a lot of self-deprecating humor and follow on twitter @swirleytime.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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