7 bogus excuses my 3-year-old uses to avoid bedtime

Holy sweet mother of pearl.

I am convinced my kid doesn't want to survive in this world. Whether it's because he is driving his parents to the point of insanity with late night shenanigans or he simply isn't on board with  the fact that EVERY SINGLE BEING needs to rest - I don't care. The shit is going down in our house and I am about to freak the eff out.

EK, here's what we don't need to do after you are tucked in so cozy-cozy with your weird slug-looking nightlights and My Little Pony:

1. "Close a book that's open on the floor."

Does that really merit a trip downstairs? And tears? Sweet Lord Jesus, tears?

2. Discuss how you don't "celebrate nature's fireworks".

I get it, you don't like lightening. But guess what? It's a clear effing summer night. And you certainly don't complain when we are sitting on the front porch during a summer storm eating popsicles. I call bullshit, man.

3. "One more hug."

Maybe that worked when we first started this late-night dance, but my heart now turns to stone once the clock hits 8:30. At 10 PM it's a black piece of coal.

4. "Feed your very empty stomach or you won't grow."

SERIOUSLY? This is a pretty cruel card to pull. Do we deny you sustenance and risk you being a malnourished human being, or give in and enable this to occur whenever you want to bring us to our knees? We aren't doing very well on this front, but the war is not over yet!

5. "Tuck you in".

Guess what? YOU WERE TUCKED IN YOU SON OF A B! Remember? We tucked pony in too, but not too tightly because she gets hot? But a little tighter because she wants to get cozy, OK? REMEMBER? And now you are up, and half-way down the stairs claiming you can't tuck yourself in and you need one of us to come upstairs.

Funny how you can tuck yourself in when you are watching an episode of whatever on Netflix.

6.  "Look for something".

What? What could you possibly be looking for as you stand at the top of the stairs slowly surveying the room? A remote? An untouched glass of wine at 9:45 PM? Tears of frustration streaming down your mom's face as we round the two-hour mark of bedtime for EK?

I can help you with the second and third items; you hid the remote weeks ago and we have yet to find it.

7.  Discuss how the "cat is bugging you".

Why? Because they are both downstairs with us, liar liar pants on fire.

If this crap doesn't stop soon, my Mr. Swirley and I are tagging out and letting the huffer from behind our old place come over and put EK to sleep.

He looks friendly, right? And the paint is so sparkly.

No one ever accused me of being rational. Follow Swirleytime on twitter @swirleytime and Facebook for interesting stories, links and a lot of self-deprecating humor.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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