Caretaking Chronicles: White Flag Wednesday



All as has been quiet on the mom front since she was released from the hospital a few weeks ago. So quiet, in fact, that I  actually relaxed (sort of) and laughed at the over $100K charged for her three hospital stays during the first quarter of this year. Nuts, right?

But fun time is over, friends. The nightly calls about "tainted medicine" have stepped up in frequency and today I lost my marbles.

We are fortunate enough to have qualified for FREE (yes, you read that right, FREE) dental care for Ho-Ho via the Dental Lifeline Network. Because these services are generously gifted by the dentists providing them, I don't want to mess anything up. That's super easy, except for the fact that Ho-Ho is 100% unreliable.

Last week she bit the dentist's finger.

This morning I dropped EK off at daycare, worked from Starbuck's for a few hours, picked Arden up and planned to work from the library across from the clinic while she had her business drilled and such. Then she got into the car and my plans went to Hell.


Me: [waiting for 10 minutes in the car only to find her upstairs in her room, undressed with enough electric blue eyeshadow that one  could see her from the moon.] Hi mom. We have an appointment, um, like now. In another town. So...
Me: OK. Let's go? Err? Maybe you could have called to tell me this? [and then she pops right up with walker and flies down the hall]

...Dentist's office bound!

Ho-Ho: My medicine is tainted. I can't stop going to the bathroom. You have to get me all new meds. And do my laundry.
Me: How many Imodium did you take? (knowing the answer is an unhealthy, possibly toxic dosage)
Ho-Ho: I took four this morning. The box says I can take four.
Me: [head pounding on steering wheel] Within 24 hours, Ho-Ho. Not at once. [This is of course better than the time she took 22 at once and we had to go to the ER.]

...Ahoy, doc.

Ho-Ho: I can't pee. I need bethanachol!
Me: [Concedes and hands over pill]
...a minute later - farewell doc.
Ho-Ho: I AM DIZZY! I need more medicine. I'm thirsty. I rescheduled for next Wed. while you were in the bathroom.
Me: [head explodes]

...heading home

Me: I have to work, mom. These people are donating their time. It takes me 45 minutes to get to you and they could book clients if we cancel earlier.
Ho-Ho: I don't care! I need perfume. And I have medicine at the Pharmacy you HAVE to pick-up. [she doesn't]

And scene.

Sad trombone. (I can't stop laughing while watching this GIF)

Sad trombone. (I can't stop laughing while watching this GIF)

Well,  the quiet was good while it lasted! And if you were wondering, the orders for paper towels, TP and wipes are rolling in faster than before.

Now excuse  me while I go pull out my stitches one by one while watching Calliou - because honestly, that is preferable to another day like today.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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