Six Annoying Things That Make Me Want to Stab Myself in the Eye

Brace yourself. It's been a rough day that included my mom kicking me out of her hospital room after I asked her to stop cursing at me (I did manage to get a high-five from the CPD officer outside...which totally elevated my mood).

Because I don't want to fixate on her current medical situation, I have decided to write about things that are a little more ridiculous, but still incredibly annoying.

1. There is the Starbuck's patron that deserves a swift kick to the head. Dude. You sit in the same spot all day. Hoarding THREE CHAIRS and a table while doing your best Will Ferrel voice immodulation disorder (while not really suffering from VI) impersonation.

Will Ferrell: Loud and Proud - Gay Pride by Magpie05

I am aware that I can get up and leave - which I do -but I still want to punch you for being a jerk. And PS, I am TOTALLY NOT VOTING FOR YOU in your condo board election. I am guessing all 12,000 of our neighbors whom you called today will probably follow suit.

2. The texter on the highway. Oh yea, you. With your quick little fingers and SLOW ASS response time. No, I don't want to move, silly! Don't worry - just go ahead and type that LOLOLOLOLOL or whatever is more important than keeping traffic moving on a major highway. However, just know the immense joy it brings me to see a line of troopers on the Addison on-ramp decked out with walkie-talkies and binoculars just waiting to pull your ass over.

Grossness in Bucktown (Credit: M. Zona)

Grossness in Bucktown

3.  This. Lazy dog owners make me livid. What is wrong with you, people? I don't have a dog, but I have a kid, so I sort of knows what it takes to clean up after something. And if he ever pooped outside, I  can sure as Hell tell you that I would pick up his business. Comethefon, Chicago.

4.  Dinner. I hate making it. I spend most of the day anxious about the entire dinner process from soup to nuts (pun very obviously intended). Then I end up using rancid almonds in a chicken-couscous dish and give up on life for the night (I call this "Friday").

Plus I read stuff like this via NPR (chickens slaughtered in the US to be sent to China and processed into nuggets for American consumers), and I decide our family needs to figure out a way to subsist solely on air and $10,000 Whole Foods avocados.

5. Doctors who don't return phone calls. I mean, I already dedicated a whole post to that one. But seriously? I have power of attorney, your name and Google maps. We are going to talk one way or another, friend.

Thanks for the photo app, Chelsea Peretti

Thanks for the photo app, Chelsea Peretti

6. Sneaky cilantro. Please tell me if you plan on ruining a perfectly good taco, so I can save it from terrible fate. My friend, Johnnyboy, wants to open up a restaurant called "CilantNO!" Fellow cilantro-haters, let me know if you want to get in on the ground floor what promises to be an AMAZINGLY successful business.

You know what I do like though? When my kid says stuff like, "MOM! I CAN'T EAT BREAKFAST BECAUSE THE CAT IS POINTING AT ME". Just a little more of that, and maybe temps above 12 degrees and I am willing to consider an attitude adjustment in the near future.

p.s.  my mom just called me collect to request I bring her money for a newspaper. RIGHT NOW.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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