Caretaking Chronicles: Tylenol is more effective than Methadone

Ardie Ho-Ho has been on a terror lately...when I say lately I mean the past 12 months. But seriously, I might soon end up in jail. There was the whole guilt over potential dentures, the time her teeth cracked and fell out and I lost my mind on a street corner, and then when she tried to pawn off some old lingerie on me. Sometimes I think my mom knows exactly what she is doing when she pulls stunts and it's not her disease wreaking havoc on any and everyone.

What happened this week? Well, I realized that while her pain specialist increased her pain Rx dosage (sweet!), he didn't actually write a prescription for more pills. Since Ho-Ho takes controlled scripts, this means another field trip!!  Twelve phone calls later, the MD's nurse called back on New Year's Eve with a plan of action: go to Rush Oak Park Hospital, get a pass from the front desk,  take "Elevator A" to the 7th floor and be prepared to wait because they are in surgery all day.  Sweet! P.S. The 90 year old volunteer at the "welcome desk" can't hear very well,  so plan on yellsplaining the very complicated situation in which you have found yourself. Again.

We did indeed get the pain Rx,  but the script for her "energy pills" will need to be collected in two weeks; I am the pinnacle of efficiency.

After spilling coffee on myself and discussing the awesomeness of Queen Latifah with fellow pharmacy patrons, it was time to check out of Rush Oak Park. Smell you in 14 days!

Next stop, Ho-Ho's.  And oh man, is she a treat. First, her room smells like mildew because she purchased a warm-air humidifier from ALDI.

Me: Why do you have a warm air humidifier?

Ho-Ho: I TOLD YOU I NEEDED ONE AND YOU DIDN'T BRING ONE!! It's not blowing warm air. [In my defense, I was out of town the last four days. Merry f'ing Xmas.]

Me: It just burned my hand.

Ho-Ho: Well don't touch it, it's  a warm air humidifier.

Then I thought I lost $80 in the parking lot. Turns out I only lost $20, which is still a lot, but it's not $80. And best of all, I didn't ask a bony old stranger for a hug, which, I am not going to lie, sometimes happens.

Next conversation.

Me: OK, I am putting a week of pills in your lock box.

Ho-Ho: I NEED MORE ACETAMINOPHEN. I have a lot of pain.

Me: Tylenol?

According to Arden, this is the natural order of things.

According to Arden, this is the natural order of things.

Ho-Ho: Acetaminophen is not Tylenol!! And yes.

Me: OK... Anyway, you have methadone for pain.

Ho-Ho: That isn't enough to manage my pain. I need Tylenol.

Me: Fair enough.

I have to say, I was more patient than usual (2014 promise to myself/Ho-Ho) and left without pounding my head on the steering wheel, so that is pretty sweet.  But I have created a Pinterest board to chronicle the insanity that is managing Ho-Ho's care (and Ho-Ho) in case anyone else in the same predicament wants a little laugh or you want to judge my snarky attitude.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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