Caretaking Chronicles: A Hospital Trip for My Mom aka They Should Block Cell Phone Signals in Hospitals

Sweet mother of pearl have I been delinquent in writing ChicagoNow posts. My excuse? Ho-Ho is in the hospital.  Worry not, she is fine. In fact she is, dare I say, thriving? 24/7 attention? Check. Different people to incur her wrath? Of course! Continual access to not one  but two phone lines on which she feels it necessary to contact me around the clock? Stony glare and slow nod.

I brought her in on Sunday because she could no longer wall. After a fight disagreement with the ER doctor, she was admitted and transformed from the  angry, cursing Ho-Ho I know to Ms. F'ing congeniality. I love when she does that as it makes me look like a paranoid, overbearing daughter. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Then the calls started.


A sampling (each a separate call)

Ho Ho: Can you bring me tea bags? I was drugged. [sip]
Me: What are you drinking?
Ho-Ho: [plaintively] Tea.
Ho-Ho: Can you bring me jeans. ALL OF THEM. I need to try them on.
Me: You are there for four days. I don't think you need to put on a fashion show.
Ho-Ho: Dammit Annie, I need ALL OF MY JEANS!

Ho-Ho: Can you bring me my Mexican blanket?
Me: You have five blankets on your bed and you are always wetting your shirts because of hot flashes.
Ho-Ho: I need the God damn blanket, Annie.
Me: Fair enough (logging eighth call of the day)
Ho-Ho: Can you bring me my plug-in radio*?

* Said radio is ALWAYS on in her room (along with her TV) and set to the highest volume level possible. Those RNs are gonna be pissed.
Ho-Ho: Can you bring me more socks?
Me: I packed ten pairs
Ho-Ho: I used them all.
Me: In three days?
Ho-Ho: Can you bring me two dryer sheets? (My aunt kindly took care of this request)
Ho-Ho: Can you come dye my hair?
Me:  [pause]...In the hospital?
Ho-Ho: No! That is ridiculous. Why would you dye my hair here?

Today while visiting, I witnessed Ho-Ho sternly informing the RNs that she never takes medication via capsules (I  reminded mom that she takes 3/day) and that the burning sensation from her IV drug had "never occurred with this drug in her life." Again, I reminded her this was her first time trying this method of treatment.

She totally hated me. But not as much as those nurses hated her when she logged 15 calls the first night in the hospital. Suckers.

Needless to say, she got everything she needed, plus some fun magazines. Mom will be discharged tomorrow and life will back to (ab)normal. Hopefully with a little PT and regardless of her constant complaining, she will be up on her feet doing the mom shuffle soon enough.

Stupid winter. Stupid MS.  Stupid cell-reception in Rush Oak Park Hospital.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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