Dog or baby?: Guess which of these walking disasters did these 25 things

Recently I was talking with my cousin Anna about how kids are sort of like feral beasts. Crap, did we say that? Well, they are most of the time. Especially those little itty bitty ones (like five and under) whose primary purpose in life is to bleed you dry of all of your cash-money and make you drop f-bombs more often than you previously thought was possible. This same exasperation is shared with many a dog owner (including Anna).

So, without delay, we present to you a little quiz based on FACTS whereby you must choose whether it be babe or beast that brought us to our GD knees.

© Socrates | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

© Socrates | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

1. He makes himself vomit to show displeasure with a situation
BABE/BEAST

2. He shows affection by licking people/things
BABE/BEAST

3.Routinely pees in the closet
BABE/BEAST

4. The post lady has returned him home on more than one occasion
BABE/BEAST

5. Will not eat his food unless it is presented to him in a way that is pleasing to his googley eyeballs (which changes on the hour)
BABE/BEAST

6. Needs to be physically restrained (forearm to the gut) when entering/exiting the car
BABE/BEAST

7. Prefers drunk strangers over his “parents”
BABE/BEAST

8. Wanders into traffic acting like he is the Grand Marshall of the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade
BABE/BEAST

9. Routinely vomits all over the car and never shows any remorse (so terribly gross)
BABE/BEAST

10. Loves salami
BABE/BEAST

11. Poops all over the back of the car and doesn’t demonstrate any remorse
BABE/BEAST

12. As a rule, attempts to drink from ANY WATER SOURCE located on the ground
BABE/BEAST

13. Stands outside the door and freaks the crap  out when “parents” are in the loo
BABE/BEAST

14. Whines incessantly when his dad isn’t around
BABE/BEAST

15. Has been caught with tongue nearly touching poop-laden toilet paper
BABE/BEAST

16. Was caught with a cherry-pitter dangerously close to his genitals
BABE/BEAST

17. Repeats himself until you want to curl up into the fetal position and give up on life
BABE/BEAST

18. Carries a bowl in his mouth around house until he is fed
BABE/BEAST

19. Removes the lid from an oil can and spills it all over the back of the car
BABE/BEAST

20. Likely to bite your finger if you put it in his mouth
BABE/BEAST

21. Eats shopping  lists
BABE/BEAST

22. Eats duvet covers
BABE/BEAST

23. Chases his own shadow
BABE/BEAST

24. Yelps at flies
BABE/BEAST

25. Contracted a disease that required finding an 24-hour doctor in Boise, Idaho (and a hefty bill)
BABE/BEAST

Answer key: ALL F'ING BABE. Every single failure listed above was experienced by one of us while "caring for" our child/ren. You are welcome for your daily self-esteem boost.

Mic drop.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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