I don't usually write about things like potty-training or finger-nail biting because they gross me out. Or, I assume they gross you out enough that you will write me off forever. However, the time has come to discuss the absurdity of potty training a human being.
First, I know I am not the first parent in the world to potty-train my kid. It's just OUR first time doing it and it's blowing my mind.
Phrases uttered over the past week include:
- PLEASE do not lick dirty toilet paper. And yes, I walked in and saw that tw0-ply, poop-covered square of paper dangling sheer millimeters away from his wiggling tongue. God help us.
- PLEASE stop playing with your penis x 230000000000000000000000/day. Now that a three inch padded barrier between his curious fingers and business no longer exists, it's a junk-juggling free-for-all. This habit lasts forever, I am assuming?
I take a gentle approach to this part of boyhood so as to not condition him to have a negative association with the bathroom and his bits, but there is a time and place for such activities and it certainly isn't in the middle of a baby shower. Though, the mom-to-be is having a boy so I guess it's good to give her a glimpse into her future. Sucker.
- PLEASE wash your hands. This request elicits a 30 minutes tantrum in front of the bathroom door, with unwashed hands massaging tears into his face. Yum.
- PLEASE take your underwear off of your head. This is a FAVORITE move and often takes place at the top of the stairs with 'roos pulled down over his eyes.
- PLEASE put only one leg through your underroos' leg holes. I struggle a bit with this request as it is 100% hilarious to see him fall over.
- Poop is NOT lotion. Last week, I found EK in the bathroom, naked and covered in poop. A small piece of me died that day.
It's not that I am ignoring my child, I just don't assume he will do insane things with his pieces: It's like I have learned nothing in his nearly three years on this earth.
And yes, you may criticize me for discussing this in a public forum. My response? We were all potty-trained (hopefully) and I am sure our parents made no secret of it. By the time EK is helping his kid transition to acting like a civilized human-being, he will be live- streaming it to the President via his eyeballs or something.
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