Potty-training: A quick, crude take

I don't usually write about things like potty-training or finger-nail biting because they gross me out. Or, I assume they gross you out enough that you will write me off forever. However, the time has come to discuss the absurdity of potty training a human being.

First, I know I am not the first parent in the world to potty-train my kid. It's just OUR  first time doing it and it's blowing my mind.

Phrases uttered over the past week include:

- PLEASE do not lick dirty toilet paper. And yes I walked in and saw that tw0-ply, poop-covered square of paper dangling sheer millimeters away from his wiggling tongue. God help us.

- PLEASE stop playing with your penis x 230000000000000000000000/day. Now that a three inch padded barrier between his curious fingers and business no longer exists, it's a junk-juggling free-for-all. This habit lasts forever, I am assuming?

I take a gentle approach to this part of boyhood so as to not condition him to have a negative association with the bathroom and his bits, but there is a time and place for such activities and it certainly isn't in the middle of a baby shower. Though, the mom-to-be is having a boy so I guess it's good to give her a glimpse into her future. Sucker.

New Skitch- PLEASE don't put your penis in the cherry-pitter. Again, caught that one just in time!

PLEASE wash your hands. This request elicits a 30 minutes tantrum in front of the bathroom door, with unwashed hands massaging tears into his face. Yum.

- PLEASE take your underwear off of your head. This is a FAVORITE move and often takes place at the top of the stairs with 'roos pulled down over his eyes.

- PLEASE put only one leg through your underroos' leg holes. I struggle a bit with this request as it is 100% hilarious to see him fall over.

- Poop is NOT lotion. Last week, I  found EK in the bathroom, naked and covered in poop. A small piece of me died that day.

It's not that I am ignoring my child, I just don't assume he will do insane things with his pieces: It's like I have learned nothing in his nearly three years on this earth.

And yes, you may criticize me for discussing this in a public forum. My response? We were all potty-trained (hopefully) and I am sure our parents made no secret of it. By the time EK is helping his kid transition to acting like a civilized human-being, he will be live- streaming it to the President via his eyeballs or something.

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    Annie Swingen

    Chicago-based hyperbole enthusiast. Mom to a kid and sometimes my mom. Overboard (1987) obsessed weirdo. I like the funnies in life.

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