I have stated so many times in life as well as in my blogs, I am sensitive to writing from a religious perspective. Although I am Catholic, I would never want my writing to exclude others who don't have the same beliefs. I respect the diversity religion presents. So with the preemptive caveat here it goes.
Growing up in the Catholic Church, Palm Sunday was my least favorite mass. My mom used to think it was because it was one of the longest masses of the year. It wasn't the length that bothered me Easter Vigil on Holy Saturday, in fact, is my favorite service. Palm Sunday has always bothered me because we are expected to participate and chant crucify him, crucify him. I would leave mass feeling bad. As the years passed and I embraced being a mother the feelings became almost overwhelming. I have since stopped attending Palm Sunday and instead reflect at home.
In our house today is the eve of cast off for #11 as well as Good Friday. I often anticipate and dread our cast off. I do not like the obsessive analysis of how his spine looks. For me his path is set and until we arrive and hear" better, worse, or no change", staring at his spine won't change the course. My friend Sarah helped me with this on Tuesday. As we discussed my fears and I admitted the things I was scared to admit aloud, she remained calm, rational and reflective. In the spirit of full disclosure my fears have been vast since starting this process. As the years have passed some have subsided and others emerged. William has made amazing strides in his numbers. Where we started with huge numbers at a very young age, through nearly 3 years of casting we are dealing with numbers of 18 degrees at best and 22 at our worst. He has embraced his cast in a way so many other little ones have. He accepts his cast, rarely questions the why of his accessory and looks forward to seeing his friends at Chicago Shriner's every 12 weeks. You would think with all the blessings we have recieved I would have little to fear. If the head would speak to the heart this would all be easier to grasp.
Going into cast #12 my fears have changed. I fear we are stuck in a plateau. We have spent the past 4 casts at 18-22 degrees. The constant no change has left me grappling with what if this is it? The stagnant numbers are a vast difference from where we started and for this I am eternally grateful. In constrast I also fear the move to a brace. Will it hold? Will we ever have what others call normal? As our friends take different paths through the scoliosis journey I have a sense of loss. It is the fear this may indeed be our last cast with the group of 3 friends. Circumstance will most likely move us from our regular 12 week schedule this summer. For our beautiful Giana this cast will define her next year and change the dynamic of what has become our normal. All of this as irrational as it sounds is what runs through my head as we prepare to unwrap William for his sweet freedom.
Sarah listened interjected where she could and then quietly set me straight. She said, "Catie you don't have to be well with the circumstance, you do however need to be well with your soul." This has sat with me since our conversation. Her daughter is facing surgery and yet she has found peace. Our fabulous friend Darrell is also facing surgery with his fighter, yet he still finds the ability to rejoice with others. Neither are well with their circumstance, both somehow found the strength to be well with their soul.
This Good Friday seemed the perfect time to share this message. As I grapple with what Mary must have endured watching her son being condemned, crucified, & dying on the cross I can only imagine she found the same strength. As a mother she had to struggle with God's plan for their son, yet she had the faith to believe. She was not well with the circumstance yet she was well with her soul.
Today I will embrace the unknown and relish the glory of knowing William is in the most capable hands both with our gifted surgeon and with a higher power. No matter the path that lies ahead, we will never be alone. We have an incredible network established to celebrate the joys and rally the troops in times of trouble. I may not be well with the circumstance, I will however embrace peace in my soul.
Until next time, keep it curvy~