A mothers bond

We entered cast off day 1-1/2 days earlier then planned.  My husband sat with the new pair of tin snips pledging the cheap things wouldn't work.  He asked why I had purchased them and where were our trusty fiskars tin snips that have gotten us through the last 2 years.  Irritated I just said I can't find the damn things and so I purchased a new pair.  Hell I didn't know the old pair were the do all be all of cast off.  I just wanted to be prepared.  I know the Fiskars will show up when I least expect them.  They are indeed hidden somewhere I have seen them often, yet in my haste to put my hands on the lucky magic cast off scissors, I couldn't locate them to save my life.  Cast off day was scheduled for Friday night the 6th of January.  It was either going to be before the basketball game or after the basketball game.  Like every other cast off day, we set the date and rarely move from the date.  28 months into cast life, something has to be standard.  As we sat there bickering about where they could be, William climbed up on the couch, lying perfecting still and said I'm ready.  Chad said, "Oh buddy not until tomorrow."

      Ok I am the mom who is stringent on our days out.  Not for others but definitely for us.  Heading into this cast off I felt absolutely nothing.  Yes he had a small sore on his hip under the cast, but shit we have had sores under the cast we didn't know about and it never changed the outcome.  A cast comes off and a new one goes back on.  If asked if I was excited, not really I am just ready to move on to the next one.  I still don't know what came over me, I turned to Chad and said, "Cut it off."

The cast came off fairly quickly although not as easily as it would've come off if our trusty fiskars were there.  I will have to go buy Fiskars for the next cast off as I feel like we had a tawdry affair with a lesser tin snip.  Hugs and Kisses were distributed all around.  His beloved nipples quickly rediscovered with a shriek...."My Nipples!  I find you!!"   Ahh that is one moment I will never tire off and is worth a week of worry.  It was bath time and I knew the battle was about to begin.  He is terrified of water, just one little downside to 28 months in cast.  I asked him if he wanted brother to take a bath with him, tears and no!  I then said who do you want to take a bath with?  "You mommy."   I had a moment of hesitation before running the bath and getting us both in our birthday suits.  This is something I haven't done with him since he was an infant. 

OK so I am tearing up as I start to write this part.  PLEASE DON"T JUDGE ME.  It was the single most beautiful thing that has happened in this entire fricken process.  I must preface: I don't look at his spine during cast off with exception of when it comes off.  I don't feel it.  I dress him and rarely allow myself to feel much of anything.  It's too cruel.  Now you see it a week later now you don't.  Not since I nursed him have I felt the level of bonding as I did when we shared splash time in that tub.  I washed him and we splashed.  He washed my face, I hugged him and felt his skin on my skin and started to cry.  My baby who entered his protective armor at 10 months old was now 3.  I hadn't allowed myself to be this vulnerable to how beautiful his little spine was or how ticklish his little sides were when you ran a cloth down  them.  He was little, smelled like Aveeno Oatmeal bath and for that one moment I didn't have to share him with anyone else.  He was all mine.  

Two days later and I thought I would have cast off remorse.  The good news I don't.  No I am not over my crazy roller coaster of emotions I seem to cycle through, but for now I am safely in the station...loading and unloading all that usually comes with this time period.  The cast always comes off and always goes back on.  I am ok with this process.  I actually have come to terms with it.  We will soon pick out the color and head back to our second home in the city of Chicago but for now, I will enjoy our time together without a barrier.  The time of squishy hugs.


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