Stop the Stupidity: One parents answer to recent adoption questions.

I am an avid reader. I love to read anything my friends and colleagues have to write. Two days ago I was reading one of my friends blogs and was completely outraged by what she had just endured at the hands of ignorance. I was going to attempt to paraphrase what she wrote, but that won't do the stupidity of others any justice. Here was her Wednesday entry:
Wednesday, October 12, 2011Sigh.....
The game of 20 questions started this past week from a few people. I was bombarded with questions about my children, scoliosis, adoption, Ethiopia, Korea and more. It was kind of overwhelming, kind of annoying and really really frustrating. I actually felt bad for the question askers as their view of life and the world is so very sheltered and judgemental.

I bit my tongue a little during the conversation due to the environment we were in but it was so hard. I had so much I wanted to say and either couldn't find the words or was just trying to be polite. Well this is my blog and I don't need to be polite here.

First things first, my husband and I chose adoption. No we cannot have children biologically yet we are blessed with 2 beautiful little girls that are our own. Yes my children are my own and yes I love them as much as I would had I given birth to them.

Ethiopia is beautiful. No it is not gross or horrible. I can't wait to go back and no I am not crazy for wanting to go back or wanting to share all of Ethiopia with my daughters. Poverty does exist in Ethiopia and it is heart breaking to see yet Ethiopians were smiling, welcoming and truly wonderful people. I cherish the time I spent there and I grew as a person. Futhermore, I did not save my daughter. She lost so much. Wait why explain....chances are if you are reading this you understand and if you don't understand then I doubt I can explain it well enough that you will.

Yes I want to see Kiya's mother again. Yes I would love for Kiya to meet her mother and no I am not worried that she will take Kiya away from me. No Kiya is not HIV + and even if she was it is none of your business. Not once did I ever worry about getting HIV while in Ethiopia. Seriously, I was asked this.

No I don't think it will be easier not knowing Katie's mother. I actually think it will be harder. I am excited to experience Korea and saddened that I will likely never meet sweet Katie's mother. The adoption process is long and no I just can't go to Korea and claim my child. To my knowledge, Katie does not have any medical conditions and it wouldn't matter if she did.

No we did not know about Kiya's scoliosis when we brought her home. Even if we did, it wouldn't have mattered. Kiya is my daughter. She has a curvy back. We will deal with it as a family and no I never thought about suing my agency for not telling me. They didn't know either. I am just grateful that Kiya had amazing nannies to take care of her and help her grow. And now has an amazing doctor to help her grow straight.

I am exhausted just thinking about all of this. The askers were just so overly curious and clueless. Adoption is hard. Scoliosis sucks. That said I am blessed to be a mom. I wouldn't change things. Sure I wish I could wave a wand and make Kiya's back straight but she is my little princess curvy back and all so it is what it is.

I am hoping the askers have had their fill and will move on to someone else. I am not sure if they start it again that I will be able to bite my tongue. To be fair I don't think they truly understood the depth of their questions. I really do think they were very curious and hadn't been exposed to a lot so they see my life from the outside and it doesn't make sense so they asks questions. Fair enough to some extent I suppose but my life makes perfect sense to me.

I think this would have been different had it been the first time I was asked inappropriate questions. I wish it was the first time....sigh...and I wish it was the last....sigh.

Many of the questions posed to Chatty Cathy were not just stupid but completely insensitive.  Cathy answered them with grace I don't possess.  I decided to pose one to myself so you could see how F-ing stupid it would sound asking any parent these questions? If you would have known she had scoliosis would you still have adopted her & then do you plan to sue your adoption agency?  My answer is YES! I would still have went through 9 months of pregnancy, the incredible amount of money to deliver and have him diagnosed, the heartache of having him go through this process, & every tear, laugh, vomit soaked day to have our crazy Iron Will with us. I am curious who we are supposed to sue.  I guess I will allow William to sue us some day when he is ready.  Lord knows he won't get much.

I know Cathy and know how utterly insulted she must have felt to answer any of these questions.   When I first met Cathy and Dave, it was in a shared hospital room at Chicago Shriners.  It was Kiya's first cast day and I could see how scared they all were.  There are so many unknowns and watching them brought tears to my eyes.  I remembered being there and being terrified.  They were champions.  Super parents. When Kiya came out she melted into her parents and looked to them for support.  I was quietly observing and sobbing.  It was like watching our first cast day all over again.  When we left I told my husband how beautiful that was and down the road I shared with Cathy my observation of that day.  I don't remember the exact words I used but it was along the lines that I saw a family in that room, not a poor ethopian child who had these two saviors.  I saw a daughter who desperately needed her mommy and daddy.  I saw two parents trying with all their soul to provide comfort, peace and love for their daughter.  Oh my goodness there was so much love in that room.  There was no adopted daughter or adopted parents, I saw a family.  

There are many insensitive people in this world.  If you are reading this and have been tempted to ask some of these stupid questions, DON'T!  If you are curious about the process of adopting a child I know a great family that could share their story.  

Cathy, Dave, & Kiya thank you for allowing me to share this.  We are overjoyed at the impending arrival of baby Katie.  We love you guys and can't wait to see you all soon!

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