"You're Begging To Be Raped on Halloween!"

"You're Begging To Be Raped on Halloween!"

 

I tweeted a few days ago that I love Halloween because you can go outside dressed however you want and people won't judge you. It's one of the most liberating days of the year where we all unite as ultimate party-goers. When asked what I was going to wear this weekend I tweeted that I would be Kelly Rowland and wear an outfit she had on in her infamous "Motivation" video featuring Lil Wayne. I received a lot of praise saying "You Go Girl!" and "They ain't READY!" from a  few fellow followers but one message scared me and it said,

"All of you women are begging to be raped!"

For those of you that have followed my blog since Jesus was a baby you know that I actually was date-raped while in graduate school. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and altered my behavior drastically to this day. That was the only time in my life where I just didn't love myself and I felt like no one else should love me either because I was the stupidest woman on earth for going to THAT mans house. The part that really hurts is the fact that his twin brother joined in and I literally just wanted to live so I did nothing when I realized I couldn't win a fight with them. I wasn't dressed provocatively or anything, I was just going to spend time with a guy I had been dating and everyone knew him and I we're trying to be the "IT" couple so no one believed that it was rape because we were dating.

We NEVER had sex prior to that incident and sure as hell didn't again afterwards.

I shared my story because I was discussing the tweet I'd received with a gentleman I've been dating for a while and he took the side of the guy in both situations. He said that if you are dating then it can't be rape because you are expected to have sex with him anyway, eventually, it would happen so why does it matter? I was shocked. I was hurt and insulted. Since when does dating justify reason to force fully have sex with someone . If that's the case when a guy takes me out I can just put something in his drink and have my way with him then because he paid for diner he must have known sex would be apart of the equation no matter what he might have to say about it. OKAY, I admit that was a lil' off. I digress but it was the only thing I could think of that was close to being relevant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah what does all of this have to do with Halloween Jessica?

 

Well, after polling a lot of my friends and reading tweets of strangers venting about the scary holiday, I realized that most women do dress in a provocative manner to celebrate. I have NEVER found anything wrong with this but since I read that tweet I've been a little down. A lot of men enjoy this day for the simple fact that women let it all hang out. "It's like Freak-Nik all over again. People are going to be walking the streets full of lust and I can't wait" said Ramon Tyler about this weekend.

I'm fearful now.

DO I have a right to be? I almost don't want to go out anymore. I know it is crazy to let someone steal your joy like that with one random and crazy tweet but it sparked some old memories within me that have kinda killed the mood for me. I feel like I'm planning to be irresponsible just like I was that night. Although I know I really didn't do anything wrong that night by going to see him because I couldn't have known that he was a serial rapist. (Oh, forgot to mention that I wasn't the only one he raped and he is STILL walking around FREE! I did attempt to press charges but was never allowed to!)

 

I also know that me dressing up and celebrating this fun holiday is just that... FUN so why would I stop myself from enjoying it with a group of friends?

I know that when I put my costume on and walk out that door I'll be thinking about that tweet all night and seeing the face of the man that raped me and his brother!

Comments

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  • Comment via Facebook:
    Roshonda Payne Great article Jessica. Although I don't celebrate Halloween now, I was cautious of the way I dressed and especially of who I was around on that night. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you while you were in college, but I admire your strength and courage to share your experience. :-)

  • Comment via Facebook:
    Inez Woody Great blog Jessica. It was sad to read about what happened to you but I'm thankful you're sharing your experience. I think women should definitely be cautious about what kind of costumes they wear.. what they wear in general but it's NEVER an excuse for any man to take advantage of any woman. Hoping dialogue such as this will bring awareness to assault, rape, and violence.

  • Comment via Facebook:
    Kelly Stadler Jessica, this is a horrible story and I'm so sorry that something like this happened. But about sharing it with me....um thanks?!? Ahha! No but sersiously it's a great article and good for you for sharing. LOVES YOU!

  • Comment via Facebook:
    Raijean Stroud Great story Jessica! I had no clue! However the guy you are dating pissed me off! Let me make up my mind when I want to have sex.. and it's not expected that you have sex with someones twin brother... That was rape!!! Nothing more, nothing less..

  • Comment via Facebook:
    Earaina Mixon ‎@Jessica I DON'T DO HALLOWEEN...

  • Comment via Facebook:
    Naureen Reyes Report him! hes obviously got problems and is sexually challenged and is a threat to women

  • Comment via Facebook:
    Sandra Pierce Pavlat- Scary and the guy should be reported if you are able to!

  • Comment via Facebook:

    Tiffany Sanders This lady needs to dump her current boyfriend asap--he thinks like a rapist. In my mind, though, the provocative dress issue is a little different. Should women be able to go out in provocative clothing (or even stark naked) without worrying about criminal attacks? Of course. But whether or not they CAN is a different question. I SHOULD be able to walk through any neighborhood I want at night with a $10,000 diamond necklace on and not get mugged or killed for it...but I know that's not reality, so I wouldn't take the chance unless I had a pretty good reason

  • Comment via Facebook:

    Myong Park Holy crap! I hope you called the cops.

  • Comment via Facebook:

    Bob Wahl Bad topic!

  • Comment via Facebook:
    Jessica Jesutise Lolade LaShawn I did report it to Twitter and his account is now closed. I am no longer dating the guy I guess we have cultural differences that will not be overlooked. I'm still torn about going out tonight.

  • Comment via Facebook:

    Crishenza Catt go out w/ your friends & have a good time.... Just be careful/smart hun!!! Hope ya have the Time of Your Life 2night!!! :D

  • Comment via Facebook:

    Jon Michael Lennon Even if he was joking that's crossing a line! Who are these jerks who can't control themselves and anytime the see a pretty girl want to rape them? Assholes! Like Cris says stay with your friends and be safe!

  • Comment via Facebook:
    ChadandCatie Diefenbaugh No one is begging to be raped. That is a rapist mentality! If you alter your fun you allow the monsters to take your amazing spirit! Shine on girl. You are a survivor. Be safe and have fun:)

  • Comment via Facebook:

    Shauna Flynn seriously? Nobody is even subliminally hinting to be raped, molested, or threatened. No matter if a girl is dressing "like a slut" or whatever the case, a woman's body is her own damn business & nobody elses. any man or woman who thinks otherwise needs to have a real overhaul on their sick "blame the victim" mentality!

  • It's very shocking to hear the misogynistic archaic views that some men have about women and sex "if you are dating then it can't be rape" that is a pretty f'ed up thing to say, it doesn't matter if someone strips down naked and gets into bed with you and then changes their mind, no means no. Lots of people date and never have sex. That's kind of like saying a married woman has the right to cut off her husbands penis because it's hers to use as she pleases.

    No one ever begs to be raped, and it's never the victims fault, but the unfortunate reality is that wearing certain clothing not only makes you more likely to be the target of a rapist but also makes things easier for the rapist. You should never let anyone else stop you from doing what you really want to do and what makes you happy but the world is a crazy place it's always best to err on the side of caution, and protect yourself at all times.

  • In reply to Dell80:

    I am now more cautious. You know me... when I went off to college I was so pure and uneducated. That incident really woke me up. I appreciate the comment Wardell. You brought up some good points that sparked an idea for another blog!

  • Comment via Facebook:

    Robert Wrobel Bad, bad, bad topic. It may be inappropriate to dress up like a 'slut' but be real people, there are rapists out there prowling and might view it just that way. Some people DO think like that. Dont blame the guy, he has problems. Maybe he needs help. Being chastised like that doesnt help him see the error of his ways. It perpetuates the problem. I think its disgusting for women to dress like that unless its in the bedroom or a swingers party. Stop dressin like sluts. Easy fix.

  • Comment via Facebook:

    Rebecca Patterson Don't blame the guy!? He may have problems but that's no excuse. How about don't blame the murderer, he couldn't help himself?

  • @Robert

    Is this a bad topic as in a blog post or in general? ITS HALLOWEEN! And youre another guy @Robert taking the side of the dirt bag I see. Thanks. I appreciate it. (sarcasm)

  • via Facebook:

    Delicia Kathryn Wonderful title

  • Whoever the dude was that you were talking to who took the side of the RAPISTS is a dummy. This is why is it's so difficult when wives share stories about being raped by their husbands--people believe she's always supposed to be ready and willing. It's so sad because I know you're story speaks to many women that have this shared experience. I don't get into the whole Halloween thing that much, but it really trips me out that women use this as a time to get sexy and be provacative. If Halloween is the only time a woman gives herself permission to be sexy or act a little naughty, she really need to examine her life and find some balance. Don't use Halloween as an excuse to be who you really want to be; learn to be that person on a more regular basis (without being skanky, which is what a lot of these "costumes" are). Jess, I think you should be able to enjoy Halloween however you choose because as your story shows, a woman can be fully clothed and still be preyed upon. A woman doesn't have to dress a certain way to get raped. Being a woman is the only prerequisite.

  • In reply to Sandria311:

    Thank you Sandria. It means a lot and dont worry he is gone. Portia didnt like him anyway LOL! I went out and had fun. It can happen to anybody youre right about that and it has nothing to do with being clothed or not!

  • fb_avatar

    Everyone is missing the point. Rape has nothing to do with sex. Sex is only the weapon. Rape has nothing to do with looks, age, clothing... or even gender! If it did, only movie stars and prostitutes would get raped. Unfortunately, rape victems range from babies to 85 year old grandmothers to men.
    Rape has to do with power. A sad, sick, twisted mind that needs to prove to himself that he (or occasionally, she) has power. It also has to do with anger. The object of the attack often reminds him/her of the person who made them feel powerless.
    Have I ever been raped? Yes. Both men were cops. Was I dressed inappropriately? Once yes, once no. Did I fight back, or report it? No... you must have missed the part about them being COPS!!! Do I dress up and have a blast on Halloween... every chance I get!!!

    Honey, you go out and have a good time, wear what you want, go with a group, and drink sensibly (if at all)! You are just as safe on Halloween as you are any other time of the year. If you don't, you have given them power over you - the rapists win.

  • In reply to Carol Foster:

    Im glad I listened to you guys , got dressed and had the time of my life with my family. It was worth it. I learned not to let the past get in the way of my future. Thanks so much for the comment!

  • Jessica, I'm very sorry for your date rape experience. How traumatic! I hope you've dumped the boyfriend who thinks it can't be rape just because you're dating! Dating gives him no privileges whatsoever to presume upon you in any way, shape or form.

    And, as others have reflected, how you dress gives no man any excuse whatsoever for rape. Nevertheless, there are those rapists who are known to go after women because of the way they dress, or if they are prostitutes. This type of pervert thinks it's OK to prey upon such a woman. Of course, he is wrong. But that won't stop him from acting upon impulse and his belief that he is entitled. So my advice to any woman is to take care how you dress. Sure, it's your right to dress however you want, but that truth will ring hollow to any victim of a pervert who thinks it's his right to go after her because of how she's dressed.

  • In reply to renatae:

    Thank you for the comment. Its sad to say that for some reason some guys dont respect and or understand that. Its sad. It really is. Its such a common thing also. When it happens youre like wait I said no but .... and there should be no BUTS at all1 No means no! If I am clothed like a street walker or a nun, it still means no!

  • ". . . .I was discussing the tweet I'd received with a gentleman I've been dating for a while and he took the side of the guy. . ."

    Did no one else pick up on what is wrong with this sentence? He is NO gentleman! He's a criminal thinker! Flee! Now!

    As for rapist twins. . . .think about this : eventually, they will go after the wrong woman. She may have a little something in her purse to level the playing field. Perhaps she has a tribe of smart, strong friends and they will get this guy when his guard is down. Whatever. The consequences of their crimes will match the rapes themselves.

  • In reply to jkatze:

    YES YES AND YES, I am not dating him anymore. I just felt uncomfortable after that. Yes indeed I hopes somebody gets them good and Im sorry to sound so harsh but hmmmmm I meant it! Thanks so much for the comment. I appreciate it!

  • Comment via Facebook:

    Martin A. Webber According to Biden, if you don't support Obama there will be more rapes.

  • Regarding your date rape... you may want to check out Oprah's Lifeclass from Friday... http://www.facebook.com/oprahwinfrey?sk=app_183296685080746 ... it's the one titled "Weekly Wrap Up"... if you start listening at time 16:20 (Rosalia's story), the main part which you may relate to starts at time 19:40. It's a different situation but some of it may resonate with how you felt. Thank you for never dating the guy (mostly likely also a date raper) again... as Iyanla Vanzant has said for years "if someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time". Great job believing him the first time.

  • fb_avatar

    Holy shiznac, Jessica! I am shocked that people still think like this. I remember reading an article when I was about 12 or 13 years old where a defense attorney claimed that the victim was "asking for it" because of how she was dressed. I remember this article because of it's absurdity to even my underdeveloped, adolescent mind. The victim was wearing a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt and jeans.

    Now, don't get me wrong. I really dislike Halloween- for many reasons and none of them religious. I also despise women who use the holiday as an excuse to parade around in barely-there variations of Disney-themed costumes. Which I find none too surprising, since I think Disney is a primary example for why women feel the need to dress and act the way they do (but that rant is for a different day).

    However, I don't care what day it is, how much she has had to drink, what she is wearing or how long they've been dating - there is no excuse for a woman to be forced to have sex or perform an act against her will or under the coercion of another person.

    I just don't get it. How can this still be a subject that exists in an ethically "gray" area?!?

  • fb_avatar

    I kind of get the gist of your article and then again I don't. What I'm trying to understand is that your premise is this; Woman that dress provocatively for Halloween need to be careful because men or rapists (appears to be no difference) are on the prowl so be careful. Your analysis is flawed in the same vein where a recovering alcoholic working through the AA 12 step program views all other drinkers as being alcoholic's. Well' they're not. And all men are not rapists!

  • Looky here, NlGGER, we don't want your kind telling us humans how to live our lives.

    Speaking of rape, what about that NlGGER cousin of yours who raped and murdered a white teenager in suburban Chicago? You NlGGERS belong back in the muddalan.

  • Well,a human would have to worry about rape if jigs are around.Imagine how much kinder and gentler a world this would be if we did not share it with these sub-human,feral beasts...And they are sub-human,for those of you who did not know,science via DNA has proven that bl@cks are NOT the same as any other race or group of people on this earth-they also prove that daily with their very existence,their violence and hyper-sexuality.Halloween is not the problem-the groids are the problem.The most vile and disgusting animal on this earth-I challenge you,find one other form of life as violent,twisted,ignorant,and worthless to this planet as the common groid-you can't,can you?

  • fb_avatar

    Muh-dikk is a part of normal African American reproduction.

  • In reply to Jenkem Jones:

    Remember folks, don't feed the trolls - Jenkem is a sad example of one.

  • "All of you women are begging to be raped!"

    I think this could be looked at as a warning not as statement that rape is acceptable if the woman is dressed provocatively . dress as you want but be prepared . some people take clothing as a signal . carry a weapon and know how to use it.

  • Was going to comment, but the two assholes who just ranted have left me speechless...

  • People holding opinions as antiquated and scary as the one you cite have little credibility and a dimwitted sense of humor. That being said, and your topic notwithstanding, please put more work into your writing. This article disappointed in how you presented what is a very important story to tell. Try harder.

  • "He said that if you are dating then it can't be rape because you are expected to have sex with him anyway, eventually, it would happen so why does it matter?"

    DTMFA and maybe you could try to figure out why you sure can pick 'em.

  • In reply to SallysF:

    Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you had to experience such a horrible thing. I hope that they were prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. The archaic mentality in law enforcement has evolved to less judgmental towards date-rape victims.

    I believe that you need therapy, because you apparently haven't fully recovered from the experience. Some of us never do. I too, have been raped, among other horrible things that have happened to me. I have no problem wearing a sexy costume, nor do I have the flashbacks of being raped whenever I dress provocatively. Once you overcome the trauma, & post traumatic stress, you will realize that loving yourself & feeling sexy "Isn't" a bad thing. You may never be fully over that experience, but you Can 'Overcome' the horrible post-traumatic stress that you're still going through.

    The misogynistic mentality of some people is pathetic, but it doesn't affect me. I'm sure you won't let it affect you either. You can enjoy Halloween, Birthdays, Holidays, etc. & wear whatever you'd like again. Please keep in mind that I'm not bashing you; I believe that you 'can' move forward in a positive way, feel sexy, be comfortable in your own skin, and Most Importantly, Love yourself again.

  • Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you had to experience such a horrible thing. I hope that they were prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. The archaic mentality in law enforcement has evolved to less judgmental towards date-rape victims.

    I believe that you need therapy, because you apparently haven't fully recovered from the experience. Some of us never do. I too, have been raped, among other horrible things that have happened to me. I have no problem wearing a sexy costume, nor do I have the flashbacks of being raped whenever I dress provocatively. Once you overcome the trauma, & post traumatic stress, you will realize that loving yourself & feeling sexy "Isn't" a bad thing. You may never be fully over that experience, but you Can 'Overcome' the horrible post-traumatic stress that you're still going through.

    The misogynistic mentality of some people is pathetic, but it doesn't affect me. I'm sure you won't let it affect you either. You can enjoy Halloween, Birthdays, Holidays, etc. & wear whatever you'd like again. Please keep in mind that I'm not bashing you; I believe that you 'can' move forward in a positive way, feel sexy, be comfortable in your own skin, and Most Importantly, Love yourself again.

  • I am so conflicted by this entire thread.

    First of all, I have never had sex outside of marriage in the 20 years I've been married, nor tempted to do so. In that sense, this topic is irrelevant to me.

    Second, I think that every man and woman is owed respect, and should be able to make decisions about their own experiences, sexual and otherwise, without force, coercion, or threat of the same.

    However, for the life of me, I can't understand why women want to dress in a "sexy," "provocative" way, and yet don't get that their appearance will have an affect on some men. It seems that the underlying message is, "look at me, want me, I'm desirable, but don't touch." The whole meaning of the word "provocative" hinges on "provoking" a reaction.

    Analogies are easy to find. If someone is addicted to crack, and are in a situation where there is plenty of crack around, what are they going to do? If someone is hungry, and is around a fresh grilled steak, or plate of luscious donuts, what are they going to do? There's a good probability that some won't be able to control themselves, because the temptation is too great.

    If a pet owner has a dog or cat in heat and let's it outside, they can expect that they'll be having a litter of pups or cats a few months down the road. When a woman dresses very rovocatively, it's as if she is in heat, and the first male animal that gets the opportunity will take advantage of her.

    If a man is normal, and is around an extremely attractive woman, dressed sexily, why wouldn't he want her? And if he is physically strong, and he is weak willed, and he is alone with her, and he isn't likely to be apprehended, well, you can see this very thing happening. Basically, most men are interested in sex, all the time.

    I detest the statement, "She was asking for it." And yet, what is a woman who dresses with little to no clothing expecting? My wife, who is a bit of a prude, used to have shoes that she called "CFM." The acronym is crass, but she thought that wearing them sent them message out to the men around.

    So no, I don't condone the actions of any man who forces himself on a woman. They should be prosecuted and punished to the full extent of the law. And yet, such a crime is, indeed, partially brought about by poor decision making on the part of some women.

  • In reply to blucinic:

    i agree with you 100%. rape is horrible and good people can resist temptation as sexy as jess alba. but bad people (people who have not been taught how to behave) do exist and it is completely idiotic to be dressing like that, getting crazy drunk, and then go out alone or with someone of the opposite sex( or same sex) that you don't trust fully. would you walk down a dark alley on the south side of chicago wearing nothing but panties and holding a million dollars in cash? same logic applies. because on halloween the ghouls really do come out. the term "you're begging to be raped" really does apply. you may want to have sex with your dreamy boyfriend or even just flirt (because these costumes are purely about sex) but i'm telling you there are a hundred other pairs of eyes in the room. and you have to be the stupidest bimbo to think you won't provoke something in the worst circumstances.

  • I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET BUTT-NAKED, it's not your fault. It's the criminal who has a sick problem, not the victim. The fault of some sick misogynistic man.

    It's a fact that most women are raped or sexually assaulted by someone they know! That includes a date, an acquaintance, even a boyfriend. Even a spouse! Yes, a husband can rape his wife, and it's still rape, and it's a crime.
    Do we want to live in a society where women have to wear burkas, or cover-up in order to protect themselves physically? Are men animals? Really, rape can happen no matter what a women is wearing, no matter if she's pretty or not, and no matter what age she is, I've read news articles about ages from child to in their 80's being raped. Men can get raped as well, and often it's not about sex but about power and harm towards that person.

    Anyway, self-defense classes can make you feel better, remembering that it was not your fault and they did assault you and cause you a lot of harm, and did not care. Don't listen to negativity. I am sad to hear they did not go to prison, because I loooove the Sublime song "Date Rape," that should be the outcome for all these rapists.

  • In reply to ChicagoDogGal:

    you are an idiot. men are animals. so are women. do you think our ancient ancestors asked out women on dates. courting women is actually a fairly new phenomenon and can be very minimal in many cultures. I'm for the equality of gender rights, but we're going against centuries of evolution. bad people (usually people who don't fit well into society) who haven't been taught to behave, will resort to instinct. you can blame bad people for their actions. but you have to look at what caused those actions besides the person. this may be a sexual stimulus or it may be because poor people are excluded from society or the standards required to partake in society and therefore have a different perception on what is good and bad and the social rules that you and I follow. Therefore, you and I are also to blame for these people's actions (even murders) because we don't try hard enough to take care of everyone. We are only concerned with our own welfare. That's how humans work for the most part and how all life works usually. if a rapist was raised in my family, he wouldn't have become a rapist. Our genetics are too similar to not blame it on nurture. In extreme cases you can blame horrible behavior on hormone imbalances in your thyroid. i would only blame it on that when there is no obvious gain for the criminal. most people who commit a crime usually intend to benefit from the crime.

  • Gay and bi men get date raped, too, especially those who are still questioning and a virgin when it comes to men. Pretty much ruins sex for you.

  • Great blog post! You got a lot of people thinking, and that's what is important! Everybody needs to be proactive.

  • There is no excuse for date rape, it is wrong. But if I walk around dressed like a cop, I talk like a cop and I act like a cop, people will treat me like a cop. You know, because they think I'm a cop. Same thing goes when women dress up like sluts. I cannot condone anyone forcing their will upon another, but we can all agree that not taunting hungry animals is a good idea.

  • fb_avatar

    First off I assume that they were blacks that did the raping. Anyone surprised by that? Most rapists are black, just check the U.S Department of Justice stats. Black males only think with their " Little Head" aka MUH DIK. They have ZERO respect for women, themselves are anything. The saying goes " Lie down with dogs, wake up with flees"

  • fb_avatar
    In reply to Louis Farakoon:

    Fleas I meant to say

  • In reply to Louis Farakoon:

    racist man. the reason the majority of rapists are black is because the majority of black people are poor. This is because white people have an advantage and use it. you live in chicago. have you not observed the racism in this city? the segregation? don't you realize you're racist? move to maine, where black people are almost as few as unicorns, and you'll realize, the bad people who rape, steal & murder are all poor white people. skin color's got nothing to do with it. all about the money.

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