Is Marriage For White People?

Is Marriage For White People?

Is Marriage For White People?

I'm 30 and quickly approaching 31 and I am single without kids. I would like to believe that I am a successful professional. I will admit that I am a wild card when it comes to branching out and doing things career wise because I NEVER want to say I should've, would've and couldn't later on down the line. That doesn't mean that I am not marriage worthy. My mother raised me to be the perfect wife-to-be but my prince charming hasn't come along and put a ring on it yet and that is starting to baffle me.

While at a bar one night out with my girls a handsome young brother approached me and asked me why I was still single. I blushed and asked how could he tell I was unaccounted for and he said because I have a very free spirit. I answered his question by saying that I haven't met a man that could deal with such freedom as of yet. He walked away and left me puzzled. Maybe that wasn't a good answer but it left me thinking hard. I'll be honest I've been proposed to a few times whether they were real or fake doesn't matter at this point because CLEARLY they never went anywhere. I am not alone thought, the majority of my African American friends between the ages of 25-35 are not married and I know some smart , sexy, and classy women.

My girl Portia introduced me to an article last night that asks if "Marriage Is For White People?" It breaks down a few theories that an author has when addressing why black women aren't getting married. One particular thing that it questions is why black women are afraid to date outside of their own race. I felt the need to say why I'm loyal to the black man even though it seems as if my loyalty is in vain. I was raised by a black man that was born in 1927. That being said he went through the ups and downs of being a black man in America and his struggle made me respect the power, motivation and drive of a black man. Having a strong father figure in my life made me want to marry a man just like him an I equate that with being black. I've dated outside of my race numerous times and felt that something was missing.

It saddens me to believe that in order for me to want to live the HUMAN dream to get married, make babies and live life, that I have to do it outside of my race because the social economical and environmental circumstances are against me. I don't want to add to the ever growing population of mixed babies (nothing wrong with being mixed ) but black people that are as dark as me are now a rarity. I want to produce some "tar babies" because some how some way I believe that black is beautiful.

Every race should feel the same way about their race because that is what represents who you are. I've said in previous blogs that I want to marry an African man so my children will be able to have a connection with the homeland and hopefully have a strong sense of self pride. I know that Africa has a mixed population but I meant a BLACK African man. To be honest sisters want a brother because that's what we've been procreating with all of these years and if we all just gave up on our black men pretty soon they'd be extinct.

Last week I was able to talk to a white, male co-worker about marriage. He said that he is eager to get married and loves his biracial girlfriend whom happens to be Asian and Middle Eastern. I shockingly told him that I'm not used to a guy saying that and he asked why. I thought about it and said that I know a lot of black men that don't think marriage is a priority. He agreed and told me that many of his male friends that happen to be black talk about dating black women in a fashion that seems like a chore. He highlighted that his black friends bragged about black women dating them as if it were an honor. I was appalled and he let me know that he was too and went on to say that he hates having certain convos with them because it seems disrespectful. All in all he got the idea that black men feel they can do better than the black woman and only date them but not marry them. Marriage is no longer an option for his male black friends because they are so rare and have so many options.

I've heard numerous times that black women blow up the ego of successful black men and let them know that they are in high demand which overall eliminates a black woman's chance of marrying him.

Watch This Video and Lets Get a discussion GOING HERE!

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I would love to have a girls town hall (AKA LIVE CHAT) on this subject next Tuesday. Anybody down for a live chat on this suggest a time within the comments. I want to hear some real opinions.

Things to think about....

1. If black women date out of their race just to increase their chances of getting married are they "settling?"
2. Does the lack black men obtaining a higher education make them unworthy of "marriage"?
3. Why is the high prison factor such an important part of the puzzle when it comes to eligible bachlors, not EVERY brother is in jail or has gone to jail?
4. Is the black woman's chance of getting married really challenged by successful black men that marry white women?


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    You are basically proving right the author of the original article by doggedly maintaining your intention to only date within your race.

    The respect you have for your father is admirable, but the civil rights struggle has long been over in this country, whether it really seemed like or the media portrayed it that way. As early as 1980 you had blacks of West Indian descent earning at parity to whites. In even the late 1960s you had a handful of black senior executives emerging at Fortune 500 companies.

    With that being the case, you won't find a soldier returning home from the civil rights battle who will strike you as exactly like your father. But, surely you respect your father in large part because of character traits that were independent of the color of his skin. Lots of men in life have come from challenging circumstances, made something of themselves, and have the character to prove it. The biggest threat to the black population in this country, isn't mixed race babies, statistically it is abortion.

    Love knows no boundaries. If you focus on what is really important in a marriage, love, common values, shared interests, shared vision for life, black women can open themselves up to a range of potential partners.

  • In reply to Brian Seel:

    I completely agree, its stupid to put race on a pedestal when you are looking for a significant other. And it's true my black guy friends think the same way about black women, but that shouldn't matter, go find a white guy. Who cares, this is Chicago not the backwards South.

  • The article that I am referring too say that 74 % of black women are not married compared to only 44 % of white women. It also points out that over 40% of Asian and Hispanic women date and or marry outside of their race unlike the mere 8 % of African American women.

    My point within this blog is that I DO NOT WANT TO DATE OUTSIDE OF MY RACE in order to get married. Why should I have to. Why is it that black men are not "marriagable?" It is Chicago and we live in a different time from when my father was in his prime but the black family looked nothing like it does within today's age yet other races STILL have a strong family structure. What happened to the black family? Why is it no longer normal for black people to get married and even worse why are we accepting this.

    It doesn't matter if you are black or white... what if this were YOU and you were faced with this dilemma... would you just give up on your own kind and more on to another just because the "picking of the litter weren't up to par?"

  • Im sorry Im typing on my phone and its hard to correct my comment

  • Yes.

  • It is convenient to have someone who you can readily identify with culturally, but even in this day and age I think the reason some don't date outside of their race is because they are afraid of what other people will say or think about it.
    If your only attracted to people within your own race that's perfectly understandable, but if you are attracted to someone outside your race, you enjoy being with them, they treat you right, and they have their priorities in order, why not at least give things a chance, why reject them because they happen to be of a different race?
    Marrying someone out side of your race doesn't mean you have to be any less proud of who you are or that you cant teach your children to just as proud of their heritage.
    It's funny how so many of us claim to believe in a single God who created everything and everyone and still turn around and make issues out of things like hair and skin color.

    To address some of your topics I would say:
    1.Dating outside of your race JUST to increase the chance of getting married would be settling, if your honestly only attracted to black/white/asian/hispanic men then that's what you should stick to dating.
    2. To each his/her own if you think that not having a college education makes someone unworthy of marriage, then they are unworthy of marriage to you.
    3. True not every brother is in jail or has gone to jail, but for each one that does means one less to chose from.
    4. The black woman's chance of getting married [to a successful black man] is not challenged by successful black men that marry white women, its challenged by all other women who date/marry successful black men.

  • I disagree with the previous commenters. There is nothing wrong with preferring to date inside your race just like there is nothing wrong with preferring to date people who are within a decade of your own age. The author did not say she only dates Black men and indicated that she's dated in other races. Preferences are not necessarily bad, we all have them when choosing who to date.

    In terms of the author's main point, I haven't been able to decide how I feel about the - I read it several years ago. There's a problem in that a woman feels like her ability to be a free spirit dictates the race of man she can date or inevitable marry. I think there are a lot of unspoken expectations in black relationships and there may need to be a frank discussion about dating and marriage in general.

    I also want to share two interesting articles that can add to the discussion -

    One directly contradicting the main article:

    and another about the realities of modern marriage for men and women (of all races):

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    Marriage is for all people. It was created by a God who created all people. The country that we live in is a "white supremist" country, whose agenda is to make the white race appear to be supreme in everything that is good. Black men, like white men, want to be marriage. White men, like black men, abuse the gift of a woman's trust, love and affection. Here's the catch. In the areas of broadcasting, where America is forced to see the opinions of people on situations that are important to all of us, white people own all of the media. So to enforce supremacy, it's easy to see a movie where white men are portrayed as the ultimate lover while black men are portrayed as the players. In themedia, it's easy to see a white portrayed as the responsible provider and the black man as the irresponsible criminal. As a black man, I have a large amount of black men looking to marry a" beautiful" black woman. The problem is, media has persuaded black women that all of us are not serious about commitment. As for your white male friend, of course he will say that he hates that about his black friends and what they say about black women because what man, black or white, does not want to eliminate his competition on finding pleasure for any and every race of women. To ask this question is exactly what "white supreme" America wants. What better way for them to know that there methods of destroying the image of a black man has worked. Maybe you should stop asking white men about black men because they don't know us and broaden your conversation with more black men. Marriage is for all people and a majority of us would love to find that special one. According to God's design, it is our culture that makes a marriage more fulfilling. Knowing the foundation of your partner contributes to building something great. Marriage is for black people too and millions of us has perfected it greatly.

  • Well I reckon after that Speech of yours you won`t be marrying anyone any time soon, if ever. I bet you still call White People Crackers and Honky. You are the Typical Negro walking around with a Giant Chip on your Shoulder, Spouting all the same tired old rant about how the White Man is Opressing The Blacks and conspiring against the Negro to keep him in his place. Of course You are Wrong and You know you are wrong but your just not Bright enough to come up with anything else. The TRUTH is Us Crackers aren`t opressing , Holding you down, conspiring against ya`ll, Truth is your just not that important or powerfull. The Negro Race has made it`s own bed, and they MOST ASSURADLY have created their OWN IMAGE, AND IT IS HORRENDOUS.

  • Is this a joke? You actually promote procreating within your race to maintain the purity of who you are. You may disguise this ideal as pride, but it's really just sexy racial cleansing.

    I get it. Black men don't want to marry black women. So what? I don't want to marry a fat or mean woman. And there are plenty of women who don't want to marry a guy like me. (Thin, white and sometimes cranky.) We can't help what our tastes are. And if your problem of not being able to marry a black man because he doesn't want to marry a black woman simply because black women have blown his ego to gargantuan proportions, well that's insane. It's crazy on the man's part and crazy on the woman's part. You mentioned successful black men are the ones getting their ego blown. Success is fleeting. Look at M.C. Hammer. And Jessie Jackson Jr. Stop blowing guys like this.

    Sigh... We'll never be able to see each other as absolute equals as long as we keep promoting how different we are. And this has prevented us from seeing each other as anything but different and caused us to act accordingly hindering true equality.

    I don't think you mean to come off as someone who only wants pure-bloods - be them black, white, Catholic, Romanian, Jewish, Japanese, etc. - roaming the earth, but this really sounds like the beginning of some sort of second final solution. Or at least the fastest way to segregate the water fountains again.

    And that's a terrible idea.

    I'm pretty sure if you were married and had a kid and wanted that kid to have pride in who he or she was, it wouldn't make one lick of difference if your kid was a tar baby or not. (Still kind of can't believe you said that out loud.) Pride shouldn't have anything to do with skin color. Neither should beauty.

    But wait, this was a joke right? You were, in fact kidding, right? Because you can't seriously believe this.

  • WOW. This is a lot to digest. @BlkFreedom are you sure you arent my father because you sound a lot like him lol. Love your points and I guess you helped me to come to terms with the very reasons that made me write this blog. @Himmellink I did not mean to sound like I am a fan of the "pure black race" which is impossible anyway but I understand your points. I am in fact serious about this blog and it is not a joke. I dont care about the quest to end color lines. Im black thats my color, you are white that is your color. That will not stop me from having a conversation with you and or respecting you. I thank God for your existence. Dont knock me for my serious want to procreate with a black man. Me being social and engaging with people out side of my race has nothing to do with whom I would prefer to take a vow in front of God with a make babies with. I did say "tar baby" because that is what I was called as a child in hopes of making me ashamed to be black and or dark skinned. I now embrace that turn and all of the people that called me"tar baby" to insult and hurt me only empowered me and made me want to make even more tar babies!

  • In reply to JessicaLaShawn:

    Ever thought about single parenthood via donor sperm? Beats waiting around for a guy while listening to your biological clock go into overdrive (plus you can pick from a wide variety of variables - including skin colour!). Not a perfect solution, true, but it beats sitting in old age going "I wish I'd had children".

  • We can always have a conversation, Jessica, of course. I agree 100 percent with you turning "tar baby" into a hate-less term. I'm a firm believer we should do that across the board with the N-word, the F-word and any other word where it's only safe to reference it by its first letter. And I mean that for all people. Equality in language, too. And of course you can only want to marry a black man. That's your attraction. That's cool. I was raised Jewish and I can safely say I have no desire to marry a Jewish girl. But that's not to say I won't. Maybe I'll meet one I actually like. And maybe you'll meet an Indian fellow that just sweeps you off of your feet. Who the hell knows. Love is blind and frankly love is stupid. Your happiness is the goal, right? Meanwhile, I say to you, you beautiful tar baby, this thin Jew honky thinks you ought to keep hunting those dark brothers down. I got your back there. Good looking is good looking... Just promise me you're not going to cleanse any races and we're cool. No joke.

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    So, if people hadn't called you tar baby, you wouldn't be so determined to persuade yourself that black really is beautiful?

    You are allowing your understandable injury by something insensitive and cruel that happened to you years ago to cloud a decision that should be free of any other motive than love of that person.

    I understand why you might do that. I'm sure a significant portion of women who consider themselves lesbian only do so after a traumatic experience with a man, but some don't. Some are emotionally strong enough to isolate that experience as being a one-off negative experience with a moron and just move on. (Other lesbians just like women because they like women.)

    The point is, you're not in the process of choosing a mate. You're still in the process of grieving the fact that someone tried to convince you that you are ugly, and you need to get that well and truly behind you before you move on to the serious and totally unrelated business of tying yourself and someone else down for life.

  • hi Jessica

    First, let it be said ... 60, white, divorced, father of 4.

    It pains me greatly to hear what I suspect a bright, verbal, lovely black woman questioning the merits/demerits of being married ...

    Admittedly, not being black, I can't relate to the dilemna of dating - marrying within ones race. One would "hope" that, this being 2011, we'd have risen above those banalities.

    Love is what it is ... I have several very lesbian friends who are happily in committed relationships. I live in Boystown ... nuff said.

    My ex and I -- can't say too much lest I give her ID up -- but, while we aren't in love, we are more than cordial ... 25 years, 7 pregnancies, 4 children later ... geez ... how do you not remain attached to her?

    There was a commercial by an actress for her jewelry line ... "If your heart is open love will find you" ... my own heartbreak of nearly 4 years continues to be refreshed by that line. May your God give you the blessing of finding true love in this all too short life.

  • This successful, handsome, professional degree, no-kids-out-of-wedlock, no criminal record, black guy wasn't "black" enough for a lot of the black women I approached in my bachelorhood.

    I know totally anecdotal, but the author should be aware of the other side of the coin. Judging (yes I admit I'm generalizing) from the talk of 'tar baby', 'BLACK African man', etc., I'm probably not 'BLACK' enough for her either. That's okay though. A beautiful white woman loved me for me and we're married with a beautiful mixed child. I couldn't imagine living life with such a narrow view, but to each their own.

  • I can't speak to the race issue per se, but don't give up on yourself. Men are intimidated by beautiful, strong women. Keep circulating! I'd go to places where people with my same ideals congregated.

  • Also, it might be a city thing. I'm a younger mom at play group. Lots of moms I meet are closer to 40 with their first child. That's not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but it's not your fault!

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    It's bad enough that this clown/these clowns have been allowed to shape your view of yourself for the past twenty-something years, but, if you cap it off by turning a lifetime decision (and what should be a happy occasion), like marriage, into little more than a rebuttal to those baseless insults, then, by your own hand, you will have literally turned, not just the past couple of decades, but, the rest of your life, and, the eventual identity of some innocent, totally uninvolved little kids, into nothing more than an incredibly long emotional reaction to those comments from that person.

    I don't think you should be giving this person, who obviously isn't a very caring individual, so much influence over the trajectory of the rest of your life.

  • Hi Jessica,
    I enjoyed your blog article. I am "one of those," a white girl married to a black African (literally his parents are from Ethiopia, his mother is part black African and part Armenian). The only time I ever felt hated because of this was at a Sox game.

    Anyway, I felt drawn to comment not because I am in a biracial marriage but because I know some awesome black guys who are marriageable and want to get married. They do exist. They are more prevalent in the church than in bars (although they might also go to bars). In seminary I studied with some dedicated brothers who were not only committed to God, but also to their people. Because of this loyalty most of them didn't date at Princeton because we had a shortage of African American Women.

    One last thought, my pastor says that marriage was created for the protection of women and children. Often marriage is a sacrifice for men but, many find that it is worth it.

  • AMY that last paragraph touched my heart. Congrats on being married and thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate it and totally understand. @Richard, its not that deep for me. Im not trying to "validate" my existence via my preferences towardsa significant other. I am happy and I do not dwell on the past. I happen to like bigger men that happen to be dark because thats what I like not because someone told me that its not beautifula nd I want to prove them wrong. To many of you I understand this is a different date time and age but the overall point is that Black women arent getting married and many of them, mainly MOST of them want to marry black men. Thats the point of this blog not the fact that I like a certain type of guy although I give all guys a chance if Im attracted. I can date a short guy, a fat guy, skinny light skinned or whatever have you but I PREFER a certain type. No matter what at the end of the day I am still not married. I didnt expect that to change after writting this blog but I had hoped to make it a more known issue since it is a serious factor of everyday life for women like me.

    Dear Tolli, I am sorry that people didnt give you a chance because you werent "black enough" I can only imagine how disheartening that was but you found someone to love you and for that congrats. She is a lucky woman.

    @Jenna, yeah I am at peace with the fact that I will be an "old" mom if I can ever have my own. If not I surely will adopt a whole bunch of babies. Im not going to let this good motherly love go to waste.

    @Money , I am open but I just know deep down inside that I wouldnt be all the way happy. Its like waiting your whole life to go to this one University. Its time to apply you get in and you also get in to a few other schools. You have to pick ... do I go with the one Ive ALWAYS dreamed of or do I go with one of the other ones because they might have a few more things on the side thatll interest me. Im a Capricorn I suffer from extreme tunnel vision.
    @HimMelLink we will always be cool and thank you so much. I agree with all that youve said and I am taking in as much as possible from you all. I appreciate it!

  • Hi Jessica! I think that marriage is for anybody who wants to be married, point blank. I'm not going to knock you for knowing what you want, I do hope that one day you experience the love that you deserve from someone who truly loves you. I'd hate for you to miss out on a really great guy because he may not be your type. I'm not saying to "settle", I'm saying for you to be a little more open and accepting; widen your circle and invite a few people that are different than what you are used to. You might find out that you are more alike than different. Blessings.

  • Wow, I felt like I was reading a KKK member's thoughts on a racist site, on the other side. I wonder if we just reverse this sad piece of hatred would folks all over the world scream bloody-murder, because a white person stated why they didn't won't to mess us their race and stay pure.. 2011.... have we not learned anything? They say education sets us free, seems a few of us need to go back and learn about tolerance. Where, is that other site I read about hating black women and why this guy only wanted to date white woman. Is this what MLK had in mind?

    "It saddens me to believe that in order for me to want to live the HUMAN dream to get married, make babies and live life, that I have to do it outside of my race because the social economical and environmental circumstances are against me. I don't want to add to the ever growing population of mixed babies (nothing wrong with being mixed ) but black people that are as dark as me are now a rarity. I want to produce some "tar babies" because some how some way I believe that black is beautiful."

  • In reply to ajwmedia:

    @AJ Lord you almost ran my blood pressure up with your comment. How it the name of steamy grits is this a reverse of the KKK menta lity. I LOVE black men and guess what..... I am black too. There is nothing wrong with this concept. Now I'm starting to understand that some people don't like the fact that I prefer a dark skinned black man.....ok I get it but I have no problem dating a light skinned black man. I just want a black man. I don't like dating outside of my race and I honestly don't want mixed kids. I'm sorry if that offends you but if you're white and someone said hey if you wanna get married and have kids you have to do it with a black man. Now go do it... How would you feel?

  • You will NOT be an "old" mom. You're only 30! You have like 15-18 fertile years left to have all the babies you want. This is making my heart hurt for you.

    I have an idea. Delete this comment if it's too much info to have out there, but you need to go car shopping at a high-end dealership. Why? Because there are so many successful guys selling those cars. It's how I met my husband and how my mom met my dad. Go to the Gold Coast and "shop" for a BMW/Lexus etc. Those guys make great livings and there is plenty of dark skin to be had! Eeek, I hope you do that. xoxo

  • @Jenna we need to be friends in real life because you are too funny. I'll go look but I won't buy a car and I travel 80% of the year lol.

  • In reply to JessicaLaShawn:

    Ha, I didn't say BUY one! Love your blog, hun. I'll keep reading for sure.

  • @Nik thank you for your comment big sister almighty lol don't worry I won't miss him. If a man Wk rub MY feet ill know he is a keeper. LOL

  • Reading her post, I didn't see Ms. LaShawn as strong. Instead, she comes off as being rather weak to the pressures of society and anger is just seething from her words.

    Perhaps that's why she's unwed?

  • @MarkTwain...... I find it odd that youre referring to me in a way that suggests I wouldnt read this and also I am not married because I am not willing to marry JUST anyone. I am a very strong woman and I could give 3 blind birds about what society thinks because if I did I wouldnt write this post , Id be dating outside of my race to ensure that I could get married to a guy that has an education, job and etc. Lastly, read a few more of my blogs so you can better understand the woman youre talking about/to.

  • A year ago I married a black woman. I told her, "If you marry a Jew, your dreams will come true." So far, so good and we have a mixed baby on the way.

  • In reply to John Chatz:

    John I love this comment. Congrats on enjoying love marriage and now babies.

  • Ms. LaShawn, blog commentary is a group discussion, not direct communication. If you're looking for direct attention, maybe see a psychotherapist.

  • In reply to marktwain:

    Mark Twain Are you sure I'm the one in need here? Please reread my comment to you and help me understand how and why you came to the conclusion mentioned above.

  • I'm black and my fiance is white. One of my black friends made a comment to me once about how she should try to find herself a white guy, when she saw how happy I was. It's weird to think like that. When I met my fiance 5 years ago, I didn't say "let me find a white guy to date." I just feel like that stuff (someone's race) shouldn't matter.

    I never had a racial picture of what my future husband and children would look like, because I didn't know who I would marry. Whatever his race was wouldn't matter to me, as long as we loved each other. I'm an open minded woman, and I just wanted to find a man who was smart, funny, cared about me, and shared (or understood) some of my geekier hobbies.

    I do think often times, people put too much importance on race. I understand if you're attracted to a particular type of man, but I don't think you're settling either if you happen to fall for someone who doesn't fit your physical description of your ideal man.

  • In reply to Nash:

    Nash I agree and thank you for sharing. I REALLY don't care that much about Race. Someones race is of no importance to me but when I think about me personally and what I want this blog came out. Im happy for you and I am sure both you and your man are going to enjoy each other and your life together. Ive dated outside of my race and this week a few white men gave me their numbers. After writing this blog and reading all of your comments I might actually give dating outside of my race a chance. I dont think that will change what I PREFER though. But I will say this ITALIAN MEN seem to LOVE BLACK WOMEN lol.

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    Hi Jessica (and others),

    I'm a 34 year old Jewish woman, and to be honest, I have no idea why Black men wouldn't want to marry Black women. I've always felt admiration for the many smart, STRONG, and beautiful Black women I've met over the years.

    Right now, I am engaged to a wonderful man from New Orleans, who was raised Southern Baptist. We've talked, and I told him that I would really like to raise any children we have to be Jewish (for several reasons). He agreed, although he has no desire to convert himself.

    I'm all for multiculturalism, but I actually support your desire to have children who carry on your traditions and family attributes. For some reason, it's easier to raise a "mixed religious background" child and have their identity be solely Jewish (or whatever) than the situation you describe.

    You touched on some of your reasons for wanting a "tar baby", but I'm sure there's more to it, and I think all of it is valid. It's not "racist", as some others would believe- is it any different than me wanting my child to be Jewish? I wouldn't love them any less if they weren't, but it's the foundation I want to give them early in life. You seem like a smart woman who has given much thought to what you want out of life, and you shouldn't compromise.

    I wish I had more insight as to why race plays a part in many Black men's decisions... personally, I think their eyes are blind if they can't see the many, many different ways Black women are beautiful, inside and out.

    I wish you luck on your journey.

  • In reply to phalaeo:

    Hi Phalaeo,
    EXACTLY. We are talking about the same thing but switching race with religion. I don't see whats wrong with wanting to stick with what you know best! Girl I wish I could high 5 you right now! Thank you so much for sharing and reading.

  • I suggest focusing more on astrology than the amount of melanin as regards your future potential spouse/husband/partner/baby Daddy.

    And if you are worried about the future of the black race, don't. Sub-Saharan Africa has the world's highest birth rate. A billion Black Africans don't need your contribution. Focus on your own happiness and fulfillment.

  • I married a pasty, frckled red-haired girl and, having a red beard and some reddish-hair family myself, am looking forward to having many light skinned, freckled, redheads running around in the not-so-distant future. So i can relate with wanting to have "tar babies". But I must say, if it hadn't been for my weakness to red hair (among other non-physical, yet prepferred qualities in my wife), I'd have given into that latin fever besetting me. Look where ever and in whoever you think you'll find what you're looking for. :)

  • I AM WITH YOU on this. I DO HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR RED HAIR AND FRECKLES! I am not EVEN going to lie. When ever I see a black man with both I darn near LOSE my mind. You like what you like and you grow to like whomever you give a REAL chance at gaining your heart. Thanks for the post. I REALLY appreciate it. AlthoughI HIGHLY doubt if I had babies with a white man with either of those show stopping features that they will surface LOL.

  • I'll weigh in with a different take on the currently popular "Is Marriage for White People/Should Black Women Date Outside the Race/Why Don't Black Men Want to Marry Black Women" construct.

    My experience is different: I dated black women almost exclusively since I was in high school. The first interracial relationship I had was in college with a wonderful woman who happens to be white and with whom I remain friends to this day. I've also become friends with her husband and attended their wedding. When I began dating her, I quickly learned how black women at my university who normally would not have given me the time of day, were staring daggers at me and hating on her. When I was single and looking to date, none were interested. After a year, the relationship ended because we couldn't make it work, but we vowed to remain friends.

    The next woman I dated was a black woman. We'd known each other professionally for a few years. With a foundation in friendship, we grew closer after dating and got married. Marriage is hard work. We had rough patches, but as she began to check out of it, I began to suspect there was someone else. My hunch was right and I divorced her. I married for love. I didn't marry based on her earning potential and we were both equally matched culturally, educationally, socially and economically.

    The moral of my story is I still don't believe in marrying for money, but I can agree with what most posters have expressed: I don't know an exact number, but too many black women have an unrealistic templated expectation of what they are looking for in a black man. There are plenty of black men raised well, educated, hard-working, open-minded, socially aware and socially responsible, respectful and free of records, drama or wedlock children. But if we don't fit that Boris or Morris stereotype and don't have a $100,000 job and a $70,000 car, etc. we get no play from the 'marry for money' section of professional black women. Non-ballers need not apply.

    So for me, the 'woe is me' perspective of the commercial-minded section of single professional black women wears thin. And before the attacks start, I am not talking about all or maybe even a majority of black women. But sistahs: you know who you are and if this applies to you.

    I don't even believe my ex belonged to this subset of black women. But for me, I have made the choice to overlook my clear preference for black women to instead focus on a spiritual woman who knows, respects, supports (and we're not talking financially) and loves me for who I am. The difference is I could care less what color her skin is. I learned my lesson the hard way.

    If anyone doesn't believe this phenomenon exists, try this:
    Have a group of your single, eligible black men go to any networking event or happy hour spot. Have them dress Biz Friday casual. No suits. As they meet various groups of black women, have them change up their careers (professional to non-professional), family lives (childless to single parent or 'babyfather') and their earnings (from $80,000+ down to about $40,000). Watch how quickly how many of the black women cut the conversations short, lose interest or practically run the other way to other groups of men whom they think fit the 'template.' Lather, rinse, repeat.

  • @Diverse I love....LOVE...L0Ve your comment. Thanks so much for the different outlook. I agree, a lot of women (black) have been raised by their momma to be independent but when you do find a man get a man that can TAKE CARE OF YOU 3 times over. Society aids in this by telling girls that if your but is big this is even more possible. Its sad how screwed up our morals are when it comes to the black family and whom one chooses to build with. After this discussion and reviewing my relationships from the past and ones that I overlooked based upon my preference I better understand what everyone has been trying to tell me. However, I dont think Im ready to really give up on finding my wholesome black man.

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