It’s now been a week since I’ve had to let go of M&M. In that time, I’ve hosted two radio shows, had dinner with friends on three different nights, spent some time with my parents (who returned from a trip) and my brother (who was not on the trip), worked out, cleaned, did some research for my book, and went to work. I laughed, had great discussions, became overjoyed with others’ news, experienced joy and happiness.
The world continued on with its own activities. And yet, in my moments of grief, alone, when I experienced the loss M&M represented to me, these were just as intense as the other moments I experienced as the world moved on. I also realized that these heartache moments are ones that are important to experience.
Slowly. Painfully. Mindfully. That’s how I’ve been working through this. Grief is a stressful place. It’s a slow, painful process that kicks up dust that has settled and brings its own dust. And yet to be mindful of that is intense. Who wants to be mindful of pain? We live in a society that doesn’t really acknowledge loss and when it does, there’s a lot of conditions on it. But loss is loss. It’s such an individual experience, that I’m not sure how one can compare it to another’s. And it’s stressful. We don’t usually have the resources to adjust to the loss of something. Exactly how does one fill a void? An empty place? With something else? This has been suggested. However, if I replace one thing for another, the original ceases to become that. It becomes ordinary. And not that there’s anything wrong with ordinary. I just know that M&M was no ordinary cat.
So I am taking it day-by-day. Some mornings are better than others. Some days are. In allowing myself to grieve and experience that pain, slowly and mindfully, I am adjusting to a new routine and purpose. And I’m figuring out how to redefine my connection with M&M to maintain her presence in some form, in my present life. Isn't that part of the process?
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