Strange Encounters of the A-hole Kind

Magoo, our cat, had a 10:30AM appointment for his annual check up on Saturday.

Me to H: Can you take him? I have to go the gym, go to Whole Foods, go to Walgreens, write, get my eyebrows threaded.
H: No problem.
Me to H: Oh wait, it's near my eyebrow place. Okay, I'll go with you.
H: Whatever you want to do.

Let me just say, if I hadn't gone with H and Magoo, I would have missed a great show (*cue Paramount Pictures theme music)

Setting: Waiting room of the doctor's office (the cat doctor, that is).  There we are - me, H, Magoo in his cage, a cat named Lincoln in his pet porter and Lincoln's pet parents sitting nearby.  Two lovely ladies are answering the phones behind the reception desk.

The front door swings open.  In flies a harried woman with one sweatpant leg stuffed in one of her faded black Uggs.

Harried lady: I ordered cat food!
Me to myself: A 'hello' would be nice.
Harried lady points at young woman behind the desk: Are you Susan?
Young woman shakes her head.
Harried lady: Oh. You look like her.  Well, I called it in.  Here's my card.

Moments pass while the cat food transaction takes place and I am thinking, "This woman has a horrible aura."
I say the prayer I say around people with negative energy. "Please protect me with a white light.  Be kind, think kind thoughts, everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Moments later, the front door swings open again.  Me, H, Magoo, Lincoln, Lincoln's parents look up.

A slightly balding, gray haired man holding a child barges in.

Barging man with child: An SUV is blocking the parking lot!
Me to myself: A 'hello' would be nice.
Harried lady: Oh, that must be me.
Barging man: Well, you're blocking the whole damn parking lot.
Harried lady: I don't think I'm blocking the whole parking lot.
Barging man: You are! Do a better job parking next time.
Harried lady grabs her cat food and walks toward the door: I made a mistake, sir. You don't have to be mean about it.
Barging man plops child on counter: Now you know for next time.
Harried lady shakes her head and leaves.

The air was sucked out of the room.  Even Magoo and Lincoln settled down in their cages to stare.  If someone had passed me a bucket of popcorn, I wouldn't have looked away. I would have just grabbed the bucket and popped a kernel in my mouth.

One thing was clear - the Barging Man hadn't learned The Approach.  How would The Approach have worked? Like this:

Barging man with child: Hi there.  There's an SUV blocking the parking lot. Is it one of your patrons?
Harried lady: Oh, that must be me.
Barging man: I'm sure you didn't mean to block the parking lot. You just never know when there will be an emergency. You know, pregnant lady or pregnant mom cat about to have her litter. Haha.
Harried lady: Haha. Yeah, it could happen. I'm sorry.
Barging man: It's okay. Now you know for next time.
Harried lady grabs her cat food and walks toward the door: Sorry about that. Have a good one.
Barging man plops child on counter: Have a good one.
Harried lady smiles and leaves.

But, it didn't happen like that.  It happened the way it happened.

As the air slowly filtered back into the room, the child plopped on the counter spotted Magoo in his cage and said "I want to see what's in there."

Barging man lifted Colin (names have been changed to protect the innocent children of a-hole dads) off the counter and he walked toward us.

Me to myself: You can't see him because your dad is an a-hole.
Me aloud: Say hi, Magoo.

Then, Colin lifts his pointer finger and places it inside Magoo's cage.
I am suddenly unable to breathe.

Me to myself: How many seconds before your dad yells at you like he yelled at that lady? 1 … 2 … 3 … Um, dad, can you say something, please? 4 … 5 … 6 …
Me aloud: I wouldn't do that. Magoo's a little nervous. I don't want him to bite your finger.

Colin takes his finger out of Magoo's cage. I breathe again.

Barging man, now known as Colin's dad: What kind of cat is he?
Me to myself: What the frig kind of question is that? He's not Siamese. He's fat and has black and white fur.
Me aloud: He's black and white, right?
Colin: Yeah.
Me to myself: Please protect me with a white light.  Protect Colin too.  It's not going to be an easy battle.

In the spirit of Roses, today I am grateful ~
- for the times I remember The Approach - which is not always - read this - but a little humor does make everything easier even if the opposite makes for a better show,
- that the cat doctors are nicer than their patrons - they're awesome and it can't be easy having a job where you risk getting bitten each day,
- but mostly, that Magoo didn't bite Colin's finger off - I wouldn't want to be embroiled in a lawsuit with Colin's dad, that's for sure.

Final scene:
Me to H (in a whisper): I am so blogging about this.


Thank you for reading! What is Stop and Blog the Roses? If Sex and the City and Chicken Soup for the Soul had a love child. Check out these recent entries -

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Magoo face

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