What a heel: Online dating disasters

Profile:  Age 26

Hair:  Blonde

Height:  5’3"

Occupation:  Consultant

Hobbies: Work, Skydiving, Work, Writing, Work, Networking, Work, Working Out, Work

So, there I was…26 years old and lovingly convinced by my BFF that I should get back in the dating world and told me that online dating was the way to go to find a variety of possibilities. She had reprimanded me earlier for my inability to date more than one man.

Me:  Dating, of course, should be monogamous, right? Right?

"No," she countered.

Okay, okay, I was not trying to get serious with any one guy, but I had never even dreamt of dating more than one guy at a time and wasn’t sure my DNA was programmed for it. It just didn’t feel right to juggle multiple relationships at once. But why, I wondered. What was I against?

I told my BFF, begrudgingly, I would try this out for a month or so, and see how it went. Secretly, I was excited by this little experiment—but to the outside world, I would mask my true feelings.

Here’s how it played out.

Week One: Met a lot of interesting men online. Not quite sure about this…but I’ll keep online chatting.

Week Two: Some potentials…kind of funny…

Week Three: Okay, excited to get home from work to see who responded…

Week Four: Ha! I actually made plans to meet a guy next week—in person. How did this happen?

Week Five, Part One: I’m on a roll and now talking to three guys online! Feeling a bit wicked.

Week Five, Part Two: Three guys…all named…John…What?!?

Week Five, Part Three: My BFF and I are high-fiving over the brilliance of dating three guys with the same first name! Does that ever happen? I know John (code for another name) is a common name, but…seriously? This is going to be smooth sailing. And, since my lack of experience with dating has been known to lower the national average, this three-for-all will be one for the books!

John #1:  A physician

John #2:  A carpenter

John #3:  A pilot

John #1 Date:  John The Physician

Nice restaurant. John #1 is very respectful. Paid for dinner (even though I offered). Talked and talked the whole night…about himself. Yes, your Physicianess, you are brilliant and amazing. I promise to find a Hallmark card to capture this moment of how honored I am to be in your presence. While I have you here, can you check my left ear? It has a steady hum. Oh, never mind, that’s the sound of you droning on about yourself.

John #2 Date: John The Carpenter

Well, hello, Mr. Italiano!  We meet at his house—yeah, I know, not a safe,smart move on my part, but at least I figured I could make a mad dash out the door, if necessary. Checked the locks on the way in. John #2 made me dinner—an absolutely amazing meal and I will never, NEVER forget when my lips met with the succulent, steaming cup of cappuccino he made me afterwards. OMG, it was the best cappuccino I had ever had! John #2 was very creative and clearly knew how to build something amazing from wood, but—holy ravioli!—not the sharpest tool in the shed!

John #3:  The pilot

Took me flying on our first date. Hello! Serious brownie points! It was fun. He was very technical—uttering, "Check engine, check fuel, check…"  And he was pretty cool when I puked all over his cockpit. I loved to skydive, but aerial views and confined spaces make me nauseous. To my surprise, he just laughed. John #3 was very easy-going and understanding about the whole thing.

So, all was good in the hood—well, for a week or so. Until…a phone conversation with one of my John’s. It was very subtle. I was talking to this John about a trip I was planning to take. He was very interested and I told him of my many adventures and soul-searching, independent woman trips. Anyway, later that night, as I was talking to John, I mentioned something about that trip. And, he was surprised. How could you be surprised?  I just told you all about it. Oh, SHIT!  I was talking to the wrong John.

Before long, I couldn’t keep my stories straight. I could never remember which John I had which conversation with. It was clouding my brain, my day, my life—looming over me like a dark storm. Dating three guys with the same name was becoming more work (and stress) than a full-time job. I would never win a prize for organization, and to ever imagine that I could organize my thoughts for a guy—let alone three—was way too much to expect of myself.

I had to discuss my angst with my BFF right away! This whole multi-man dating thing was a huge mistake! If I were ever to date more than one guy at a time—and two would be my limit—their names would have to be different. She looked at me and we both started laughing. Later that night, after we were able to pick ourselves off the floor from laughter, we decided that I should stick to one guy at a time.

The moral of the story: the only women who should have more than one John are prostitutes.

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  • Very funny! Makes me glad I've been married 30 yrs and NOT dating!

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    This was such a great story to get the moral across. Very entertaining!! "not the sharpest tool in the shed!"....too funny!

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    In reply to Joanna Oladiji:

    Thanks girl!

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