I used to be a teacher. It was my passion, it was my identity. I spent my days moving through 84 minute blocks of time. I spent my nights grading. I gave my heart. I gave my time. I was hurt. I was pushed. I was rewarded.
I became a mother and everything changed. I saw the division of my time and how little I could afford to give my own family. My planning became less engaged as I learned that "you can't do it all." My energy for my students never waned, but my resources were quickly being depleted.
I chose to leave my classroom for my children. I often times stand by this assertion. Sometimes I don't fully believe it. I know that I wanted, more than anything, to spend my days with my boys. The transition being home with them was not an easy one, but it is what I wanted. Still, there was such a huge part of me that ached to be back in my element, my classroom with my kids, my first year out. I always identified myself as a teacher during that first year at home.
Now, I say I used to be a teacher. I'm not entirely sure why I made this switch. I do know that when the time came around this year, the second year of me being away from a classroom, I didn't look at even one job opening. I still can't tell if I wasn't interested or if I just wasn't ready.
Being a teacher is everything and sometimes I fear it is more than I will ever have to give because being a mother is everything too, and I can't be two everythings. Sometimes I worry that I'm so selfish because of that. Sometimes I think I've made the biggest mistake leaving teaching, and other times I think it might be an even bigger mistake to go back.
I've not been comfortable talking about teaching---and I'm still not fully sure that I am. I do know that its been on my mind as of late, and that I'm a hot mess of business when I refuse to confront what is on my mind. It is also a rather delicate topic to embark upon considering my future in this field. I can talk about PPD until the cows come home, but discussing my career brings great trepidation. Sigh, perhaps there in lies some of the problem.
I've chose to say this much though, because I know many of you were or are like me. I chose to say this much because I used to be a teacher and I need some time to figure out what I am and, hey, I have a sweet blog that let's me think all my thoughts out loud. So, thank you for wading through my uncharacteristic messy purging of thoughts! -Mable
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