Look at our beloved campus.
Last week's storm devastated some of the oldest trees at Northwestern - trees many of us walked under as we celebrated wins by our Wildcats.
Ground Services Superintendent Tim Spahn talks about the trees we lost here.
But not even Tim knows the full story - one we discovered after hearing what one sports-talk caller had to say.
Here it is:*
Paul: We've got a caller. Elohim from Dyersville, Iowa.
Elohim: Thanks, Paul. Longtime listener - first time caller. I just want to say I've finally taken care of those smug, purple-wearing nerds at just Northwestern. As an Iowa fan I cannot believe that those Wildcats beat my Hawkeyes year after year. So I blew down their precious trees.
Paul: You did what?
Elohim: I just tore their trees out by the roots. All it took was some big old breaths from yours truly.
Paul: How can a couple of breaths rip out trees that are more than 150 years old?
Elohim: You don't understand Paul, do you?
Paul: No, I can't quite follow.
Elohim: It's because I'm God, medammit! And I'm a HUGE Iowa fan!
Paul: So are you calling from Heaven?
Elohim: It's not Heaven - it's Iowa! And I just don't know what's been going on of late with those medamn Wildcats beating my Hawkeyes. It turns out just Northwestern is actually good at football. This is upsetting my understanding of the universe. And I'm omniscient! Think how your average college football fan feels. Most of them still can't wrap their tiny brains around the fact that the Wildcats are good. Northwestern's coach - this Pat Fitzgerald - I knew he'd be a problem long ago. I tried to take care of it back in 1995 when my Hawkeyes broke his leg. But now he just hates us. I know he refuses to admit it, but again, I'm omniscient! And don't get me started on Danny Persa. That whole thing about Me creating man in my own image is a crock - except for Danny. The way he plays football reminds me of the way my boy threw the old pigskin back in the day.
Paul: You're telling me Jesus was a quarterback?
Elohim: Why would I lie to you? You fools just don't know it because some medamn stupid scribe lost the chapters that document His life from the time he was 12 until he was 33. Those were his prime years on the gridiron. All erased like they were an Ohio State win from last year.
Paul: Okay. Back to the trees. Is it against the law to tear mature trees out of the ground just because you're unhappy Iowa can't beat Northwestern?
Elohim: Do you think I care?
Paul: No.
Elohim: I don't care. Hey, and you can tell Willie...oh, nevermind. Roll along damn Iowa.
*The events described in this transcript are entirely fabricated - we think.
Filed under: Football
Tags: God, Iowa, northwestern, trees
