Wild Wild White Sox: Stealing Jobu's rum

Wild Wild White Sox: Stealing Jobu's rum

Comiskey was in shambles.

Not long after the Royals raided the town, the Redbirds came knocking. The Redbirds hometown of Ballpark Village was the best run town in the wild west. Unfortunately for Comiskey, the Redbirds and Royals hated each other. So when the Redbirds saw that the Royals had made quick work of Comiskey, they wanted to show that they could make even quicker work.

The Redbirds came, they saw, they conquered.

The residents of Comiskey came together in the town hall, El Celula.

"Men, we need to figure out how we're going to get out of this mess," Sheriff Robin Ventura said to the crowd assembled.

A chorus of suggestions were shouted out all at once.

"We need to go on tour to raise money," yelled Gordon Beckham. The rest of the Middle Infield Band cheered in agreement.

"We should stand our ground here," mumbled John Danks.

"We go hunting," said Adam LaRoche.

Jose Abreu, a silent, towering man stood up. His presence caused everyone to fall silent.

"We steal the Idol of Jobu from Jacobstown," Abreu said, his booming voice carrying to all parts of the hall. "It will grant us the ability to hit moving targets. With the power granted to us by Jobu, we would not have been so thoroughly beaten by the Royals."

Many in the west had heard of the voodoo idol Jobu. When given rum, Jobu supposedly granted his followers lightning fast reflexes.

Everyone agreed - they needed the Idol of Jobu. The Idol was guarded by the Spiders of Jacobstown, led by the fearsome Corey Kluber. It would take everyone to steal Jobu and they did not have enough horses for all twenty-five men to ride out. Times were tough.

Fortunately, Jose Quintana owned a train, The Flying Serpent. The Flying Serpent was one of the most reliable trains in the west, but few outside of Comiskey knew that.

The trip to Jacobstown could be the White Sox last stand. Knowing his time with the group could be up, Jeff Samardzija gathered Quintana, Chris Sale, Carlos Rodon and Danks into a car. They had helped carry the town through this season and it would fall to them get the Idol of Jobu.

Danks poured each of the gunslingers a shot glass of rum. Samardzija downed his shot and spoke first.

"Guys, it's been tough, we've done all we can this year with little support" he said. "But now, if we give them an opening, I think the guys can get the Idol of Jobu. We just have to give them an opening."

"We can do that, we've given everyone opportunities all year" said Sale. "But now, we have to be perfect. Carlos, you've been a bit wild this year, but you've got talent. We need to work on your aim before we get there."

Danks pulled out a dartboard. The five men spent the rest of the train ride practicing their aim with the dartboard.

Ventura had drawn up a plan for when they pulled into Jacobstown. Adam Eaton and Tyler Saladino, the two fastest men amongst them, would make a mad dash to The Cerrano Temple, where Jobu resided. Samardzija, Quintana, Sale and Rodon would cover them.

Eaton and Saladino made it to the temple with surprising ease. The rest of the White Sox, led by Melky Cabrera, Jose Abreu and Alexei Ramirez, were distracting the Spiders, who had been slow to reacting to the intruders.

As they approached the altar, Eaton pulled a bottle of cigar, matches and a bottle of rum out of his bag. They had to perform the ceremony carefully to appease Jobu. Eaton first placed the cigar in the mouth of the idol. Suddenly drums started banging in the background. He struck a match and lit the cigar. The drums increased in tempo. Finally, he poured the rum into a dish in front of Jobu.

Suddenly the doors to the temple flung open. Kluber and his right-hand man Carlos Carrasco entered the temple, guns drawn. This was the end for Eaton and Saladino.

Neither of the Spiders said a word. Kluber, one of the steadiest hands in the west, shot at Eaton.

Eaton's was fast, but not fast enough to dodge the bullet completely. The bullet grazed his shoulder and it's trajectory was changed enough that it hit the dish of rum in front of Jobu. The rum spilled onto the floor.

Suddenly, a powerful, booming voice rang out in the temple.

"It is very bad to steal Jobu's rum. Very bad."

Suddenly Melky Cabrera and Carlos Sanchez burst through the doors of the temple. Kluber and Carrasco turned to face them, but both dropped their guns, as if they were cursed. As they hit the hard stone floor of the temple, the guns shot the pair in the feet.

"Help! Melky! Carlos! Adam's fallen over," yelled Saladino, his voice echoing off the walls of the temple. Cabrera and Sanchez ran over, Cabrera inspected the wound where the bullet grazed Eaton's shoulder. It was bright green.

"Poison bullets," Cabrera said. "The Spiders are famous for them. I have some milk that can counteract the effects, but it is on the train."

Sanchez and Saladino looked at Cabrera with a look of confusion.

"...you have milk that can cure poison?" Sanchez said.

"Yes."

Both of the youngsters dropped the topic. They learned not to question Cabrera's eccentricities. Sanchez and Saladino each took one of Eaton's arms over their shoulders to help move him quickly to the train. Cabrera carefully grabbed the Idol of Jobu.

When they stepped out into the town square of Jacobstown, it was a rout. Sale and Rodon were mowing down the Spiders and the White Sox were winning a fight at seemingly every turn.

Quintana had the train ready to go, so the White Sox boarded the train as soon as Eaton and the idol were safely aboard.

The Spiders were hurting and they had just lost the source of any power they had left.

Ventura walked to the front of the train to talk to Quintana. When he got to the locomotive, Quintana was laughing with Danks.

"Jose, where do you have this train headed?" Robin asked. "Comiskey is in the other direction."

"Robin, we can't just settle for the Idol of Jobu," Quintana said. "If we want to truly turn things around, we must show the west that we are no longer pushovers."

"We must go to Fenway," said John Danks. "We must go to Fenway and defeat the Green Monster."

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