It is easy to look back and discuss what were the biggest stories of the past year. It was kind of a lean year for Chicago anyway, except for the Blackhawks. Other than that it was an injury and slow return from said injury that were the biggest events of 2013 in Chicago sports.
Instead I've got the inside scoop on what is going to happen in 2014. It looks like it's going to be one crazy year.
Tom Thibodeau plays Luol Deng for 68 minutes in a quadruple overtime loss to the Magic. Afterwards, Deng's limbs fall off, decreasing his trade value significantly.
In order to give other teams a chance, Patrick Sharp is forced to wear a blindfold while playing. He still scores 5 goals in the month.
The Cubs report to spring training. After watching many of the young prospects, Theo declares that "2016 should be the year."
The White Sox report to spring training. They are almost arrested for trespassing until it is proven, that yes, they are allowed to be at the training facility.
Kirk Heinrich's spine explodes. He's listed day to day.
Derrick Rose returns to Bulls practice. He looks amazing but says he doesn't know when he'll be back. "Only God knows," he says. Tom Thibodeau stabs himself in the eye.
The Cubs have Opening Day. Theo exudes confidence saying, "2017 is looking like the year."
The White Sox have Opening Day. They have dollar hot dogs, free parking, five dollar tickets for the entire upper deck, llama races between the sixth and seventh innings, a whole new menu developed by Rick Bayless and the kids run the bases after the game. Fans complain it is too expensive and the team fails to draw 30K for Opening Day.
Adam Dunn reaches 150 strikeouts. He is the fastest player to reach that number. When asked about the situation, Robin Ventura says, "Adam is our best option at DH. I know, I barely watch either."
The Cubs begin negotiations with the Wrigley Company to maintain naming rights on the century-old stadium. The roof-top owners demand a cut of any naming rights agreement, well just because. Theo Epstein states that, "When this deal is finished we will be in a financial situation that will make us competitive in 2018."
The Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup for the second year in a row. Down three goals in the decisive game seven against the Detroit Redwings, the Hawks score four goals in 8.2 seconds, three by Patrick Kane.
The World Cup kicks off in Brazil. As the US Men's Team heads off to its game in Manaus Jurgen Klinsmann shouts, "I am the Wrath of God! Who is with me?" He is never seen again.
Rick Hahn manages to trade Adam Dunn, Gordon Beckham and Alexei Ramirez for a respectable haul of prospects and draft slots for the international draft. Even though the team was ten games below .500, fans call it "White Flag Trade II" and refuse to go to games.
Jed Hoyer trades Jeff Samardzija, Ryan Sweeney, and Starlin Castro for a great haul of prospects and drafts slots for the international draft. Theo Epstein enthuses, "We are poised for a championship run in 2019."
The Bears finish the pre-season 0-4. Many fans see this as proof that signing Jay Cutler was a bad idea. Ironically Jay did not play a single down in pre-season due to Coach Tressman's new "ninja" offense.
The Bears win their opening game. Marc Trestman spends three hours during his post game press conference discussing how his new defense was inspired by his defensive scheme in Clash of Clans.
The Cubs finish the season with 84 losses, a marked improvement from 2013. Theo Epstein is impressed by the progress and says, "We are poised for a sustained run starting in 2020."
The White Sox finish the season with 85 losses, a marked improvement from 2013. Fans think the team is headed in the wrong direction and season ticket sales decrease.
Derrick Rose returns to the Bulls. His spleen ruptures, effectively ending his season. "At least I only have one of those," He says. Tom Thibodeu is found naked on Lower Wacker Drive, mumbling something about doing ones job.
Jay Cutler passes for 400 yards in a lost to the Green Bay Packers. Many wonder openly if Jay has the will to win.
The rest of the Western Conference of the NHL cedes the title to the Blackhawks. One GM remarks, "really, what's the point?"
The Bears win all of their games in the month. Jay Cutler leads the league in TD passes. He is seen, however, yawning on the sidelines during a critical defensive stop. It is obvious to many that Jay doesn't care about anyone but himself.
Despite having the best quarterback in the NFC, the Bears miss the playoffs with a 10-6 record. Jay Cutler is seen during the last game laughing at Marc Trestman's dead-on impersonation of Jabba the Hut. It is obvious to many that Jay doesn't care about winning.
Kevin Kaufmann is amazed that none of his predictions come true. Well, except the Adam Dunn one, but that was a given.