A Few Things I Need To Tell You, Chicago!

I moved to the City of Chicago from Joliet many years ago mainly because I was paying an arm, leg and an ass cheek commuting to and from work.

My career was here and houses were cheap at the time, so I stayed. I've made friends, started a family and have learned the culture.

The transistion wasn't easy though.

Holding my own in traffic was a challenge until I learned to flip the bird and stay in my lane.

People could be downright assholes, so I had to adapt to my order to avoid getting swallowed up and shat out.

There's some things I never quite understood since I've been here. It could be the suburbanite in me:

#1.Peanuts Do Not Belong On Effing Sundaes!

Seriously though, who the hell do I have to get in good with to get a sundae with salted pecans?

Recently, I went to Margies Candies on the North side and asked for a caramel sundae with pecans. "Sure, we can do that" the waitress assured me.

My mouth watered as I waited.

To my disappointment, the pecan sundae I craved was covered in datgum peanuts!

Not a pecan in sight.

I nearly reenacted this scene from Hoodlum. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4i8j74Zotk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Just replace "almonds" with "peanuts" for this scene. That's how pissed I was.

I've been to other establishments and have yet to find one parlor in six years that does it that way.

In Joliet, that's the only way to make a hot caramel sundae: Sweet contrasted by lightly salted pecans.

#2. Mild Sauce Is Not The Cure For Cancer!

What is it with mild sauce that makes people believe that it enhances a meal? To me, seems like it covers up some taste deficiency instead. Taste a wing from Uncle Remus without the mild sauce and you'll be disappointed. Slather it in mild sauce and you'll be slightly less disappointed as your taste buds are trying to figure out what all that other shit is.

Still a pretty below average wing...mild sauce or not.

Sort of like rolling a turd in sugar..still a turd

#3.Is That A Damn Bird On Your Eyelid?

Often enough, I've used false eyelashes to make my eyes pop. You know, subtle changes go further.

Natural looking lashes are better.

I cannot to grasp why a lot of women here wear fake lashes that were harvested off of the backs of muskrats and want you to believe that shit is real.

Exhibit A: This is an exaggeration, but I am sure someone from Chicago inspired her to do this:

#4. The South Side Isn't 100% Ghetto.

I get so sick of folks making snide comments about the South side of the city as though it has nothing to offer.

There are so many jewels that give the South side a flair like no other. Bike trails, lovely beaches and parks are just for starters.

For the record, the North side neighborhoods can be just as violent.

You can get beat with a baseball bat in Bucktown just as quickly as you can get robbed in Woodlawn.

Chicago is dangerous...period. Just be careful EVERYWHERE.

Anyhow, I respect the city for it's lovely architecture and hardworking people.

To this day, no other city can duplicate Chicago Style pizza or Maxwell Street Polish.

There will never be another baseball team greater than the Chicago White Sox and no other group of fans more upset than the Chicago Cubs fans over that statement.

Chicago is great...mild sauce or not.

Thanks for reading...while youre at it follow me on twitter @therealjoyrene

Yep, you're welcome!

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