Yes, I know everything there is to know about you. It isn't that I am psychic... I am just good like that.
The earth shifts in a way where things just happen. You can't control the outcome because it was fate.
Even if you don't believe in fate, you have to admit that some things just happen because they were predestined too.
If you claim you don't believe in fate but you agree with that last statement..you're full of crapola.
These are the things I see in Your future.
1. You WILL Run Into Someone Who Wants To Recite The Entire Book War and Peace When You Have To Take A Dump:
That pumpkin latte with extra whip is making noise in your stomach. It sounds like Bobby McFerrin in his ever popular, "Don't Worry, Be Happy." Just so happens, you are in the check-out line and is that...why yes it is..a classmate from 15 years ago...and YES, they have locked eyes on you.
Jesus, your stomach has done like 10 reverse farts and now you have to force a smile, clench your cheeks and answer questions about where you've been the last decade.
Don't laugh. It will happen.
2. You Will Have To Endure A Convo With Someone With Dragon Breath!
Have you ever had a lengthy conversation with someone who has no clue their breath is absolutely horrible? If not, you're likely the one with the bad breath.
You offer gum, they refuse. You offer again and they say.."No..the onions I just ate don't mix with mint."
Then the conversation takes an awful turn:
They want to discuss topics like Haddes..Haberdashery...Hot HashHish and any other topics that involve the need for H-words.
3. You Will Have A Parent Embarrass You In Public As An Adult.
My mom recently embarrassed me when we had lunch at Subway.
Supposedly, there is some sort of conspiracy in which Subway doesn't round off their scoops of tuna on their sandwiches. My mom said that by flattening the scoop the company saves a billion dollars or something.
My face got red as I saw my mom order the six inch tuna. She watched closely as the sandwich artist began to scoop the tuna out of the bin.
Sure enough, the lady flattened the scoop out.
"Oh God..mom..don't..." I began..
"AH-HAH!" My mom cried out (I am surprised she didn't yell Eureka).
She had her hands on her hips looking around to make sure folks were paying attention.
"You don't have any right..you hear? Giving people less than they deserve,huh? Round them shits out."
I wished I could disappear.
Sheepishly, the lady rounded the tuna out and flashed me a look of sympathy.
4. You Will Have A Child Embarrass You In Public.
Its already bad enough that my child looks nothing like me.. Its worse when she does things that make other people think I kidnapped her.
I took my year old daughter shopping and tried to put her in the shopping cart.
She screamed and hollared while I struggled with putting her legs through the openings.
People walked by and observed me, the black woman, trying to calm her seemingly Hispanic child.
Suddenly, a Hispanic lady comes, says, "Calmaté" (calm down), and my daughter listens.
Thanks for letting everyone think I am the nanny, baby. Mommy loves you anyway!
5. You Will Put Your Foot In Your Mouth.
I was at Cedars Restaurant with my little one (no embarrassment this time), and a lady with a big round belly says,"Oh your daughter is adorable, I can't wait to have kids of my own."
Yes, I asked the dreaded question:"How far along are you?"
Her face sank as she said,"I am NOT pregnant!"
Lord, why?!?!? I absolutely was mortified and apologized all over myself. 'Basketball Belly" huffed off to sit down possibly muttering "Bitch" the entire way.
Well, there it is folks.
This will undoubtedly happen to you in the near future.
IT WAS WRITTEN!
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