When Produce Kills: A Story About The Onion That Tried To Have Me Wacked.


Sure, you clicked on this link because you wondered what other crazy, off-the-wall post would be lurking here.

To you, my stories probably sound like made-up pieces of crap that I scribbled on bar napkins while high on crack.

Be assured: This is a true story.

I can't make this shit up if I tried.

A damn onion tried to kill me.

It all happened one lovely summer Saturday afternoon.

I had finished grocery shopping. My shopping bag was full of goodies: A bunch of fresh, ripened tomatoes, some pasta and an evil purple onion.

This onion came with three or four like it in an orange net suited for purple onions.

Enjoying the sunshine, I skipped out of the store into the beautiful weather.

I tossed my shopping bag on my car's backseat and hopped inside.

Pulling out of the grocery store parking lot, I merged into eastbound traffic and headed home.

The music was bumping loud in my Mustang and I had the top down cruising at a fast pace.

As I was approaching the intersection, I saw the light turn yellow.

"Take it, take it."

I was hoping the car traveling ahead of my would take the yellow light so I could do the same.

At first, it looked like the driver ahead might take the light so I gunned it.

However,  that idea was shot to hell when the driver decided to abruptly press on the brakes.

Seeing the brake lights, I did the same skidding like crazy toward the back of the car in front of me.

Luckily, I stopped before plowing into the back of the car.

My shopping bag flew onto the floor in the back strewing my food everywhere.


I could just imagine the mess of crushed tomatoes in my car.

The light was green again and the car in front of me pulls off.

I cut around that car to be first in our lane to beat out traffic.

"Ooh..another yellow light."

I was approaching the next intersection when I saw a cop posted.

"A COP..Crap!"

My foot pressed down on the brake in an attempt to stop.


"Holy Shit Balls." I whispered

I flew through the intersection like I was driving a freaking Boeing and the cop did not even see me.

Meanwhile, I am pressing my brake with all my power and nothing is happening.

I see the next intersection at the end of a downward sloping hill.

Cars are turning in my path ahead so I do not have the right away.

Scared as shit, I press the brake with both feet and after screaming like I am in karate class,

"Hee Yah!" ...

The pedal goes all the way to the floor.

I screech to a halt right before plowing into the traffic crossing my path.

My hands were shaking and I realize I could have died.

I looked on the floor of my car, under my brake pedal, and see the mashed remains of a purple onion.

The son of a bitch tried to kill me.

Don't trust purple onions.

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