Book of Translation: A Guide To Help Understand Women-Speak

I know you've run into it: You think you have said the right thing to a woman only to have it all blow up in your face. As a woman, I know I am complicated and can wreck havoc on anyone that doesn't understand where I am coming from. Your mother, aunt, grandmom, sister, daughter all know the language of Women-Speak. Men are oblivious to it and fall victim to guilt trips, high heel attacks and more. I am here to help you as I am fluent in this language. The most important expressions are here:

English: "I don't want anything for my birthday."

Women-Speak-"I better get something for my birthday or else."

Never ever..ever..let a woman's birthday pass without getting her something. Many men have fallen for this trap. Sure..she sounds like Mother Theresa and you're thinking, "How selfless she is..a true Saint." That "Saint" has a broken halo. She DOES want something..and it better be nice.

English: "Do you have plans this weekend?"

Women-Speak: "Do WE have plans this weekend?"

A woman asks about your plans because she wants to know if she fits into them. If she doesn't have plans with you, (if she's normal) she'll make plans of her own. If she isn't normal, she'll flip out when you tell her you want to go to a guy's night out. You'll either end up canceling your plans or she'll call and text you the entire time you are there until you decide to leave.

English: "Do you think I am pretty?"

Women-Speak: "Do you see how good of a catch I am, dammit?"

A lot of women know that they are gorgeous, they just want to remind you of this. We can't walk around saying, "Bam, baby..look at all this!" We have to humble it down by asking you. By putting the ball in your court, we make you admit that we're the bomb which let's you know you need to step it up a notch to keep us.

English: "Who is all going to be there?"

Women-Speak: "Are there going to be other girls there?"

We don't care what the event is, we want to know ahead of time if there is going to be other women there. We mean servers, bartenders and bathroom attendants too. The reason is that we are wired like animals and we mark our territory (minus the pissing on the furniture..well, if you're into that). If the women to men ratio is uneven, we are pulling out our best outfit with the highest heels to put everyone else on hot girl alert. It's sick, I know.

English: " I am having a bad day."

Women-Speak: "Ask me WHY I am having a bad day."

This could be a loaded shotgun especially if you are the reason she is having a bad day. If you ask, "Why"..then be prepared for a good hour of why the world sucks and how you are just a part of the plan to make women everywhere unhappy. The safest response is, "I am sorry you are having a bad day, how can I help?" Or just nod and say, "Aww.." every third sentence she says.

The biggest!

English: "Am I fat?"

Women-Speak: "I feel fat."

There is never a good answer to this question. Saying "No" and nothing else can have dire consequences. Saying "Yes" could mean you having to enter Witness Protection. The safest response is, "Baby, you're perfect." Please read carefully. If you say,"Baby, you're perfect to me." Her response will be, "So, other people must think I am fat? Thanks a-hole." On second thought, It's just better to offer chocolate and say as little as possible.

Well, I hope you live to see another day in this crazy world we women dwell in. Yes, we're complex human-beings but we're pretty awesome too. My translations will help you get far.

Please comment, share and follow me on Twitter @TheRealJoyRene

Yep, You're welcome!

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  • love your column/blog

    when i tell my boyfriend i'm having a bad day - he always says "what can I do to help you babe? do you want some juice"

    even though I don't want juice - at least he's trying. and it makes me laugh enough and I know he cares.

  • I've failed Women-Speak several times over the course of my 20 some odd years is trying to Speak it. I try to live and learn, but it seems like although the language stays the same..their are 100's of different dialects! LOL. I'll keep trying until I find one that says what she means!....now THAT'S my kinda lingo.

  • @Goofyjj lol, thats cute,"you want some juice?" He must have taken a course in women-speak. How can you possibly yell at a man who offers juice? Can't help but love that!(now MY man is gonna get it because he never offers me juice). I am glad you like my blog. Please share

    @Fant, hey dude, you are 100% right, it never changes. I'm sure cavemen were wondering why on earth the old lady was pissed. Turns out, she wanted something for her birthday after all

  • Good post, LOL at times and as a married man I need an app for this.

  • In reply to Charles W. Johnson:

    I know! Marrying us doesn't change the dynamic. LOL

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