Marc Trestman: Let Him Abide in the Second City

As 5774, the year of the Chosen people begins, the Lord looks down at his brethren. All faiths are his brethren, as he contemplates the thousands of years which have passed, when Abraham begot Isaac from Sarah, and Ishmael from Hagar.

Yet on this eve of Yom Kippur, he wonders if his 7 billion sons and daughters truly know how much of a sports fan he is.  And lately, he has not been pleased.

The 2014 Winter Olympics will be held in Sochi, Russia.  Will President Putin guarantee the safety of his gay/ lesbian/ bi-sexual/ transgendered athletes? For they are his brethren as well, and Putin shows little regard for the safety of his own GLBT citizens.

And international soccer has been thoroughly corrupted by crime syndicates throughout Europe, Asia, Africa, and Latin America – according to an 18 month investigation by Europol.

United States baseball has shamed itself by players using performance-enhancing drugs. And for thy Lord, his beloved Hank Aaron, still holds the home run record.  And G-d seethes with anger, at the lies and disgrace that his son, Ryan Braun, has brought to the land of the Cheese Heads.

As he looks towards the Chosen peoples’ main cities in the U.S., he is disappointed. In Miami, LeBron James was married on this holiest weekend of Yom Kippur. In Boston, Tom Brady threw childish tantrums at his rookie receivers when they could not catch his passes.  And in SF, the Giants have not played up to their 2010 and 2012 World Series’ caliber.

And while he can barely talk about how pathetic every sports’ New York City team has been, his wrath and fury made Mt. Sinai shake, when five of his own Chosen in Brooklyn, were arrested as major drug dealers of heroin and oxycontin, in a police operation known as “Before Sundown,” since they texted their customers, “We’re closed for Shabbat.”

But his Lord is pleased with Chicago.  For the Blackhawks won Lord Stanley's Cup twice of late: 2010 and 2013.  And Chicago hired the only NFL coach of his Chosen People, Marc Trestman, displaying the values  thy G-d could only hope for, in his first press conference, after a come-from-behind win, as a Chicago Bear.

Trestman thanked the fans of Chicago as his first statement.  He told his 53 men to just “be great teammates…(and)…celebrate the privilege of playing in the National Football League.”  And the Lord was delighted, not only with these statements, but that his son had made adjustments during halftime as a “game-day coach,” and gave credit to his entire team, the new offensive linemen, and that Cutler was not sacked.

From the top of Sinai, G-d was proud that Coach Trestman, from St. Louis Park, MN, was similar to his brethren:  once – comedian / now Senator Al Franken, and the Coen Brothers, both Joel and Ethan: all 4 of them, graduates of St. Louis Park High School, MN.

And Mt. Sinai roars with the Lord’s laughter, as he recalls The Dude and his pal, Walter, who was Shomer Shabbas no less, from Ethan and Joel’s “The Big Lebowski.”

A current lawyer from the University of Chicago, who grew up with this South Side Sports Chick, informs her that their own childhood Rabbi, Arnold Goodman, from Temple Rodfei Sholom on 91st and Jeffrey, moved to St. Louis Park in1966 and was the Rabbi for Al Franken and the Coen Brothers.

Hmmm, asks thy Holy one, could he not have been Coach Trestman’s Rabbi also?  Would this not qualify for a “Chicago Connection,” unknowingly, from Da Coach’s  childhood, well before becoming a “Bear?”

Even so, the Lord’s scribes are trying to Google this information, but only wish they could ask Trestman directly. Nevertheless, may it be written in the Book of Life, 5774, that he continue to abide in the Second City.   And let him finish his cup of coffee.






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