Theo: (dialing frantically) “Rahm, Rahm, is that you?”
Hizzoner Da Mayor: “Who the…..it’s 3 am! (whispering) Theo? Haven’t I told you…wait a second…..” (turning to his wife, yawning, “Honey, I gotta take this, it’s ‘you know who’ again.)”
Theo: “Rahm, cut it out, I’m dying here. I haven’t been able to sleep in over a week!”
Hizzoner: “You! I’m the one having to deal with protecting the President from these NATO protestors. I’m the one keeping all these international diplomats happy while the Euro is crumbling as we speak. I’m the one who has to come up with more money than your team is worth, to pay overtime to all the police and firefighters’ NATO training!”
Theo: “Yeah, and who begged me to come and save their baseball team from another 100 years of doom? And I could have waited out another year in Boston till Kenny got fired, and just gone to the other side of town. What about that one?
Hizzoner: “Wait a minute. You’re calling on the RED phone. The one for emergencies only, and I mean emergencies, as in nuclear warfare, or as the RED phone that Kennedy used during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Who gave you this number? And don’t tell me Barak did, because no White Sox fan would dare give it to you.” (Hmmm…Or would he, just because I left his inner circle?)
Theo: “Crisis? I’m in deeper than Kennedy ever was. Dolis is a bust. 2 weeks since the Cubs won a game. 4 straight series losses; .178 team B.A. with runners in scoring position for 2 weeks; 5.64 team ERA; 19 home runs allowed. 2 runs scored in 33 innings. 12 straight losses. And the seats aren’t even sold out. You promised me that one, and you were dead wrong!”
Hizzoner: “Wrong! Don’t get me started. Who told the fans to be patient, because you were in a “rebuilding mold?” Theo, the only “mold” I’m hearing about is one filled with bacteria in the Kraft noodle out front on Clark St.!”
Theo: “Oh yeah? Well you promised me a new stadium. You told me what a great community Wrigleyville was, and what a boom it would be for jobs, for some new El tracks, that Chicago was ranked # 1 as the “Greenist City in the U.S.,” and that you’d bring LEED developers to the area with federal dollars from Barak.”
Hizzoner: “Right, and pray tell me Theo, what is Ricketts Sr. doing these days? Putting up family money to sponsor these race-baiting political adds against my ex-boss for the next election? And you want ME to go to City Hall and ask the Chicago tax-payers to pony up their hard-earned dollars for a family whose pockets are now exposed, for what? For making me the butt of every joke on late night TV?”
Theo: “It was Joe, Tom’s father, who was behind that scheme. But that’s old news anyway. Listen Rahm, you better make good on your promises. I need those bucks badly. Hey, do you hear that….. on the phone?”
Hizzoner: “If you’re talking about hot air, I’m hot all right. I never promised you a rose garden, and the only thing coming up roses are the White Sox. I even sat in the booth with Stoney and Hawk the other day, and called out a home run for Paulie, who is hitting .565 in his last 13 games, with 26 hits, 5 home runs, and 15 RBIs. Now tell me again, why was it that the Cubs fired Steve Stone? All because he told the truth about your team a few years back?
Theo: “My team? My team? So now the Cubs are just “my team?” I thought they were YOUR team, buddy. You, the north-sider, growing up in Wilmette, and now the great mayor of the City with the Broad Shoulders – the 2nd City, better than my Beantown! Rahm,… you gotta hear that heavy breathing on the phone now, and it’s not you OR me.”
Axelrod: “Busted! Nice one Theo, at least you are hearing a tad better than my old friend these days.”
Hizzoner: “David, %*@#&!!! Is the Secret Service still bugging this line? What is their problem?”
Axelrod: “There’s no problem Rahm, you know how this works. The RED phone gets put in so you have a direct line to the Prez. But when it lights up in the middle of the night, I’ve got a responsibility to protect my boss, and I just had to make sure it was you on the phone, and not some nut job. But while we’re at it, I ought to tell you that we’re all just wearing our smiles every day the White Sox continue being the hottest team in the league. It makes for lively conversation after every campaign stop.”
Hizzoner: “Theo, you happy? Now both of you, just let me get back to bed. I’ve got a long day ahead of me, planning for the riots that will happen if the President loses, planning for the riots if the President wins, trying to figure out what to ask the alderman for Wrigleyville, and to get to Bourbonnais as soon as possible. Cutler to Marshall should make me one happy man again.”
Axelrod: “Oh Theo, while we’re at it: in my book, your Red Sox clearly did not win the World Series, fair and square, now that we know Manny was on performance enhancing drugs. And may I ask, which team defeated your so called “World Champs” in the first round of the playoffs in 2005, with a second baseman named Tadahito Iguchi making the final put-out v. your BoSox?”
Theo:” Okay guys, that’s it. I see I’m getting nowhere in this town, not with this team, nor with the 2 of you. I’m applying for the Bobcats GM job.”
Hizzoner: “Have you spoken with Michael yet?”
Theo: “ Michael? What’s he got to do with it?”
Axelrod: “Rahm, Theo is really going off the deep –end here. I think he is still back in Beantown. Still hoping his Celtics beat the Heat, and then San Antonio.”
Hizzoner: “Right, like our Cubbies will have a “bounce back year” in 2013. Fantasy will set you free."
Theo: “HOPE guys, it’s just HOPE. Just like in 2008.”
Hizzoner: "Well, as my parents always repeated every Sunday night to me, "Good night, and good luck."