Merry Crap-On-Your-Lawn

I just want to wish you and yours a very MERRY CRAP-ON-YOUR-LAWN!

'Tis the season of love, magic, joy, giving, and putting a bunch of crap on your lawn! I don’t know what it is about South of I-80, but it is a virtual wonderland of craptastic plastic displays that confirm why other suburbs find us tacky (it's ok, I know what you Westerners and Northerners say about us).

I used to think it was just people with acres of land with unlimited budgets that liked to crap up their houses for the holiday season, but nope. I see plenty of condo balconies crapped up for the season too.

We have only lived in our neighborhood for two years, so sometimes we like to drive around and check out holiday lights and displays, you know get those creative juices flowing. Let me tell you, there are some doozies.

There is a particular house a few miles away that looks like American Sales went out drinking and then proceeded to vomit its contents on this person’s postage stamp lawn. I swear to you I have never seen so much crap on a lawn. I think they have every possible plastic figurine that even remotely resembles a Christmas character. When driving by, instead of playing “Where’s Waldo?” we play “Where’s Jesus?” After 9 years of Catholic grammar school, four years of Catholic high school, graduating from a Jesuit University, and still a practicing Catholic, I honestly never knew that Homer Simpson in a Santa suit was there when Jesus was born. There he is, right next to a shepherd. I guess you learn something new every day.

Also, a little further from us, there are two houses next door that have formed some kind of Christmas Crap Brain Trust. They have probably invested hundreds, if not thousands of dollars into every blow up Christmas decoration that can be purchased. I thank these people for supporting our struggling economy, and single handedly keeping ComEd up and running.

Also, my favorite are the blinky light people. You know who I’m talking about. The people who like the blinky lights, but couldn’t quite figure out how to do it so they just gave up. Hence, there is one strand of lights that is blinking so fast I’m close to getting a seizure, and then the rest don’t work.

We are still early in the holiday season, so I am sure that there will be more to report, in the mean time… Keep it classy, Southwest Suburbs, and Merry Crap-On-Your-Lawn!

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